I don’t do well with change. I go to my parent’s house every other weekend, and I almost never sleep well – it isn’t my bed. I’ve eaten a peanut butter sandwich, cheese-its, and half an apple for lunch almost every day this year – and I mean this entire year (not just this school year). On Monday, my principal bought us lunch, so I left my sandwich in my office and had barbeque instead – I felt gross all day long. In fact, now that I think about it, I haven’t felt great all week – probably because I haven’t had my standard lunch – see, I don’t do well with change. On Sundays, I cook dinner for myself and then I eat that dish for dinner all week long. I lived with roommates for five years – when I had to live alone for the first time, you would have thought my world had fallen apart. Ironically, now I’ve lived alone for almost five years, and I’m sure having a “roommate” next year will be a challenge J. In the years since I’ve been in Greenville, four of my five best friends have moved away from that area. Every time someone left, I struggled to adjust, and even though one of them has since moved back, there are still times when I ache for the way things used to be – before everyone got separate lives.
Right now, I’m in the middle of so much change I don’t know what to do, and you can probably guess my mindset. If you can’t guess, here are some questions that continually race through my head: Where will we live next year? Will we rent? If we rent, will I hate apartment life? Will we have to lug our furniture in and out of two places in two years? If so, will it be miserable? In fact, what do you think the weather will be like that day we are moving? Will my house even sell? What if it doesn’t sell? Will we be able to afford two living costs? What if it sells too early? Where will I live? Will I have I job? Will I like the job? What if I have to teach again next year? Will I be able to easily learn the new common core standards outside of a familiar environment? What if the people at my new school already know the common core standards and expect me to know them as well? What if I have to teach the EOC in 10th grade? What will THAT look like? And on and on and on….
As I reread the questions, it almost makes me laugh out loud that not only am I going through about a bazillion personal changes, but the state of North Carolina is completely changing the teaching standards for public schools next year, and as the English EOC moves to 10th grade, we will also have to completely revamp what we teach each year in English. Do you think the Lord might be trying to teach me something?
On Tuesday and Wednesday, I worked to get my house together to put up for sale. I had to take off a Bible verse that I had above my patio door. It read, “Be still and know that I am God.” Ironically, scrubbing each tiny letter off the wall only made the verse stick more solidly in my mind. That is the one thing about God – I just can’t escape his voice. This morning, when I was thinking about this blog, he kept telling me, “Behold I am doing a new thing” (Isaiah 43:19). Grumbling (I’m not much of an early morning person), I thought, “Yes, Lord. I know you are. That is the problem – how am I supposed to make plans?” To which he replied, “Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s will that prevails” (Psalms 19:21).
I LOVE making plans – I have about three of those day planners in my life, in fact. I have a planner for my lessons, a planner for my work appointments and to document contact I’ve
made on behalf of students, and a planner for my social schedule. However, the biggest blessings in my life did not come from my making plans. I was born into the family God picked for me. My best friends were people that God perfectly placed in my life. And all those years I spent worrying that I would forever be single were worthless because when it was time, God gave me Andy. Recently, I told someone that if I could have known God had planned Andy for my future, I wouldn’t have cried over breakups, and I wouldn’t have worried that I’d forever be single. I would have been still and known.
But here I stand on the brink of many other changes, and I’m having trouble being still and knowing. I guess this is where I lean on his promises. Promises like “The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save,” “My ways are not your ways, and neither are my thoughts your thoughts,” “Consecrate yourselves for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you,” “Do not be afraid,” “Be strong and courageous,” “Do not worry.” And on and on…
For every fear I have, the Lord has a perfect answer. If only, I can be still and let them sink
into my heart.
