A Steadfast Mind

My kid woke up at 5:20 this morning.  5:20. Um…Daniel… can’t you tell it is still dark outside?  We don’t get up while it is still dark.  On a Saturday.  At 5:20.  Come on. 

At 6:00, he had spotted the bubbles I had hidden from him in the dining room and was screaming at the top of his little lungs for me to get them.  At 6:00.  Where is the coffee, again??  Before the sun was up, we were blowing bubbles in the living room.  Oh my sweet boy.

And this is just the beginning of our day.  I used to begin my day with my Bible, prayer journal, and a cup of coffee.  I used to have had a shower before I spoke to anyone in the morning.  My life used to have a very predictable, easy routine to it.  Now it doesn’t.  Now, I wake up to a little human alarm clock who is accompanied by a hurricane of energy and expects his mommy to be at full capacity with him.  I love it.  I do.  But things are different than they used to be.

 Order is harder to find.  My house is always a mess.  Let me say that again.  My house is ALWAYS  a mess.  It is unbelievable.  You’d think that given the fact that I’m home all day, I could at least keep the house together.  I can’t.  I won’t even go into all the reasons I can’t.  I just can’t do it.  And, if you have ready ANY of my blogs, you know that when my house is a mess, I feel like a mess.  It has that weird, very unsettling effect on me.

My schedule is also a mess.  Sometimes Daniel takes the naps he is supposed to take.  Sometimes he doesn’t.  The entire tone of our day often feels like it is directly connected to that nap schedule.  Stay at home moms will know what I mean. 

And here is the other thing.  I’m not just a stay at home mom.  I’m a working mom.  I took a job that requires 15-20 hours of work a week from home.  Oh it seems so laughable.  Working from home.  Let me tell you the secret about working from home with kids.  It means sneaking in a few moments here and there while my kid runs around the living room like a crazy man – often without any pants on.  What happened to his pants?  I don’t know.  I don’t really care.  As long as he will occupy himself for 5 MORE MINUTES so I can grade that one last paper.  It means finally sitting down to do some focused work at nap time only to have him sit up in the crib and giggle because he is not sleeping, and somehow he KNEW I needed him to.  So working at home actually means doing the 15-20 hours after he is in bed for the night.  Which means very late bedtimes for mama.  And did I mention he gets up at 5:20??

This is a season of life where my world is unorganized and chaotic.  It is a season where quality time with my husband is hard to find, and we have to work hard to carve out the moments we do get.  It is a life with a very long “to do” list, and a time when I need the Lord desperately, and also a time when it is so hard to meet with him.  And I’m ALWAYS tired.  Hear that again…always so tired.

And what I’ve noticed lately is that I spend a lot of time trying to figure everything out – trying to make time for all the things I need to do and some of the things I simply want to do.  I thrive on organization and planning, so I find myself almost obsessively thinking about upcoming events or my “to do” list and planning it in my mind to the point that I miss enjoying the present.  And the truth is that I currently have a life that is very hard to predict and plan, so all that worrying is useless anyway.

This week, I came across a scripture that has helped me refocus.  It is Isaiah 26:3.  It says “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast because they trust in you.”  I have tried to meditate on this verse this week, and I keep wondering about the words in it and what they mean in the original Hebrew text.  So, this morning, while both my guys were sleeping (thank goodness for morning naps!!), I pulled out my concordance and did some research.

Steadfast is the Hebrew word “samak” – it means to lay, lean, or rest.  I love this imagery.  The idea of resting my mind.  I picture leaning into the Lord – knowing he can handle my doubts and fears and worries and long to do lists, and simply letting my mind rest on him.  It is hard for me to do this, but I know that when I allow the Lord to take control of my thoughts, I find the rest of the verse to be true.

Perfect peace is the Hebrew word “salown,” and it means completeness, soundness, peace.  I love the idea of completeness.  I admit that all my worry and craziness leaves me empty.  I think I’m seeing more and more that it is only when I let my mind rest in the Lord, that I feel peaceful rest in my soul.  My life is just too crazy for me to find that kind of rest on my own.

Trust is the Hebrew word “batach,” which means bold, careless, confident, secure.  I love the picture of this power that comes from a steadfast mind.  Resting our minds in the Lord and accepting his peace results in a bold, careless, confident trust.  I don’t know about you, but I rarely feel careless.  And, oh, how I want to feel that way.  I want desperately not to “sweat the small stuff” and have the confidence that everything will work out fine so that I can enjoy the present.  And, again, the truth is that only focusing my thoughts on the Lord will help me find that kind of trust.

It isn’t easy.  I won’t lie.  I can’t name the amount of times I have said this verse to myself this week.  Over and over and over.  When my sweet child is having a mini tantrum.  When I get an email that pushes just the right buttons.  When my kitchen looks like a bomb went off in it.  When I realize I have 47 papers to grade before the next day.  When that conference call I rearranged my entire schedule to make isn’t answered.  In all of those times there is a temptation to let my thoughts get away.  To let my peace escape.  To send my trust flying out of the window.  But the truth is that I’m only truly happy when I’m focused on the Lord – when I allow myself some rest in who he is, and when I let myself remember that he is bigger than any problem or worry I am facing.  He is big enough for me. 

And in the moments I remember who is God and who I am in light of that truth, I can blow bubbles in the living room.  I can blow bubbles in the living room at 6:00 am without coffee and enjoy every single moment.

Life Changing Love

Note: I am falling behind in writing lately, and when I logged in, I noticed my last post - I would definitely say "love" is a concept God has been talking to me about lately!! Obviously, I need a lot of instruction to get it right.

I went to a baby shower last night for one of my best friends in Charlotte, Jacquie.  I have not seen her since she has been pregnant, and now she is only a month from her due date.  She is adorable!!  All baby and seriously glowing with happiness.  It was such a joy to celebrate with her and anticipate the coming of her new baby girl.  Jacquie is not my only friend expecting a baby this spring.  My roommate of 4 years from college, Ashley, is welcoming a baby girl in May, and my sweet nephew will be born to my brother, JT and his wife, Gracey, in April. 

I look at these beautiful pregnant ladies, and it seems crazy to me that a year ago, I was in their shoes.  I was so close to my due date and filled with all the emotions that brings – anticipation, excitement, nervousness, a little fear!  What a wild ride this year has been.  On the way home, I had over an hour in the car to think about how my world has changed in such a short amount of time, and I think more than anything about this past year, learning about love has been the most wonderful blessing I’ve experienced.  A mother’s love is truly a feeling unlike any other.  With all the other people I love in my life, I have some expectations for them.  To some degree, my love is probably conditional.  My feelings for them ebb and flow based on where we are in our relationship.  I think that is ok.  Learning that love is often a choice more than a feeling, is a blessing in these other relationships I have.

But with Daniel it is different.  I love him simply because he is mine.  My love for him has nothing to do with what he does or doesn’t do.  In some milestones, he is more advanced.  In others, he is slower.  And I don’t care.  I rejoice in who he is.   I am proud of the small things he does – like learning to clap – and because of my love, I am patient with the places where he is learning.  I honestly can’t think of anything he could do to make me stop loving him.

I think that the Lord has used my first steps of motherhood to teach me about how he sees me.  I am a doer.  I am a people pleaser.  I want to be liked.  This is who I am.  I think I have viewed my relationship with the Lord so similarly to how I view my relationship with other people.  I have felt like I have to do certain things to be a “good” Christian and be in God’s favor.  In my head, I know he loves me no matter what, but I think I felt like the degree to which he liked me was determined by what I was doing or not doing. 

Recently, I have been having a hard time keeping up with my quiet times.  I have also not really looked forward to going to church, and I’ve become increasingly aware of some perpetual areas of sin in my life.  The combination has made me feel overwhelmed and just like a huge failure as a Christian.  It has been hard to see the good in myself and imagine how the Lord might ever be able to use me.  I know that may seem dramatic, but if you knew my heart, I think you’d understand.  My heart has just been looking ugly.

But gradually, as I’ve learned more about love, I’ve heard the Lord quietly whispering, “I love you. I love you because you are mine. You are not a failure.”  Last night, as I drove home, the Lord brought this verse from Zephaniah to my mind: “The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.”  This verse sounds like how I love Daniel.  I take great delight in him.  No matter what our day has been like, I can rejoice over him.  He is beyond special to me, and there is nothing he has to do to earn my love.

I think this is God’s message for us.  No matter where we have been.  No matter how ugly we see our hearts.  No matter what terrible thing we have done or are doing.  He is our daddy.  He rejoices in us.  He takes great delight in us.  I think what I’m really learning about God (not just in my head – but in my heart) is that he is not keeping a record of what we are doing right and what we are doing wrong.  He is not a teacher – which is how I think I’ve always seen him.  I think I’ve seen him evaluating me – accepting my improvements and ready to work on my short comings.  But that is wrong.  That is not how God sees me.  God sees me like I see my son (and to an even greater extent as he is a perfect parent).  He sees me through a lens of love.  And that changes everything.

“Rend your heart and not your garments.  Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity.” – Joel 2:13