Doesn't Work Well With Others

As a child, I was terribly shy.  I don’t remember having a friend at school until I was in the fifth grade.  When teachers completed my report cards, I bet they were never able to check the box that said “works well with others.”  By the time I made it to high school, I had several friends and was much more social, but I still preferred to work alone when it came to school projects and assignments.  I was never good at all the necessary parts of working with a group – coordinating work schedules, taking the ideas of others into consideration, compromising my vision. 

 

In college, I took the “doesn’t work well with others” trait to a new extreme when I took a 4 hour chemistry class.  Everyone was required to take 8 hours of science, and if you took this particular chemistry class, you could achieve your science requirement and only have to take one lab.  It was the only 4 hour science class on the books.  Seeing as how I hated labs (and the dreaded lab partner!) and liked chemistry, it was a perfect fit for my schedule.  On the first day of class, I found out that it was also a popular fit for all the football players on campus who also wanted to avoid taking four science classes and saw chemistry as the easy way out.  A room full of athletes would have been no problem for me if the professor had not also announced on the first day of class that all assignments would be completed in a pre-assigned group.  In his defense, he probably figured that four football players were better than one, and that the boys had a better chance of passing the class if they could work together on the four assignments that would, with the final exam, make up our grade for the class.  I saw the writing on the wall (and my grade sinking like a brick in the sea), and I quickly rounded my group of stinky, burly 19 year olds and told them I would do all four assignments if they would let me work alone.  I agreed to put their name on each paper, and everyone was happy.  We made an A in chemistry.   

 

I know my actions in that chemistry class were not ethical or right, and I’m sure my super honest husband is having a cow as he reads this blog, but doesn’t that story perfectly illustrate how bad I am at working with others?  I will say that with the development of professional learning communities and common planning, I am beginning to work very well with others professionally, but in my personal life, I still struggle greatly.

 

Recently, I was in a situation where I was working with a group to accomplish a common goal, and I saw every bad trait I have come boiling to the surface.  As a good, Southern girl, I put on a great big smile, did my assigned part, and only those closest to me (namely, my sweet husband) saw the ugliness.  My attitude promoted a discussion between us about why I reacted as I did and how I might change.  The conclusion was that the real issue I have with group work is that more often than not, I believe my way is right.  And heaven help if I’ve already accomplished the task at hand, then my attitude is, “I’ve done this all before, and I know the perfect way to handle it.”  Planning a baby shower?  Drop in, breakfast food, Saturday morning.  Planning a bridal shower?  A couple’s barbeque, Friday night, guests bring money for the honeymoon.  Teaching a standard class?  Structure, routine, relationship building. Planning a group vacation for friends?  Beach house, good food, a little shopping.  See, I bet you are stealing ideas already right?  I’m so PERFECT at this planning stuff!!  Oh wait, that is the pride coming through….

 

I don’t work well with others because of that little (ok, big) sliver of pride you see rearing its ugly head in that last paragraph.  And that sin spills over into individual relationships, too.  There are times when to be a good friend or wife or family member, I have to sacrifice my attitude of “I would never do it that way” (which also has the extreme connotation of “What a BAD idea!!”) for the good of the person and the good of the relationship.  Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”  I was reading that scripture this morning, and it occurred to me that in most of my areas of struggle, the possibility of living at peace with people IS completely possible and within my power, but I hold on to my pride, my idea of rights, and my selfishness over the relationship at hand.  Now, I was “raised right” as you might say, so most of the time the other person involved has no idea our relationship isn’t peaceful.  Take those generic situations that bring the “my way is the right way” beast into the picture: The mother-in-law wants to cook fish for Thanksgiving, and she is super excited about it; the church group wants to take camping retreat and the great outdoors is not my friend; the best friend picked out the ugliest bridesmaid dress I have ever seen.  In all of those scenarios (which have actually never happened to me, by the way – I can see the faces of my married friends as they wonder if their dress was the ugliest!!), I would take the “grin and bear it” route, but on the inside, I’d be resentful and annoyed. 

 

In the New Year, I want this one area of my life to change.  I WANT to feel peace in times when I go along with an action that is contrary to my own desires.  I want to be humble and loving and kind and gentle.  Romans 12 and William Barclay offer some very practical advice for achieving such a “renewed state of mind” (Romans 12:2).  Verse 10 says “Be devoted to one another in love.  Honor one another above yourselves.”  Barclay explains the verse by saying that “there is enough natural instinct in most of us to want others to recognize our rights; but Christians have no rights – they have only duties.”  My desire to do things my way is natural in the sinful condition in which I live, but it isn’t godly.  Andy made a similar point when he also told me, “You need to remember how much forgiveness and grace God has given you.  Who are you not to give that to others?”

 

Praise God that even though I am making such imperfect progress, he still speaks to me and quietly urges me to the right path.  Recently, I was reflecting on some of the ways I struggle with other people, and I kept hearing him say “Do not be overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:21).  I think this verse goes hand-in-hand with Ephesians 6:12, “Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”  When I struggle with other people, sometimes they may be purposely trying to make my day bad, but most of the time, they aren’t.  Most of the time they are like me and simply want things done their own way.  And regardless of their intentions (either good or bad), the individual using the situation to create anger and sin in my heart is Satan.  Satan knows my pride is a weakness, so anytime he sees a situation where things aren’t going my way, he is quick to whisper words in my ear, “You see what they are doing?  They have no respect for you.  They are so ungrateful and selfish.  You would never act that way.”  When I give consideration to those whispered thoughts, the result is more pride, more barriers, and less love.  Satan gets his way because he loves nothing more than to see lack of unity among believers.  Lack of unity waters down the gospel and makes all of us less effective for the Lord.

 

I don’t want to be this person anymore.  No one is more unhappy than me when I obsess about why my way is better.  Most of the time, no one even knows I am annoyed and obsessed because I do know how to be outwardly graceful.  This year, I want to be inwardly graceful but that change will only come with God’s power.  It comes by offering my body as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God (Romans 12:1).  It comes by not being conformed to the pattern of this world but being transformed by the renewing of my mind (Romans 12:2).  It comes by thinking about things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8).  It comes by considering others better than myself (Philippians 2:3).  It comes by remembering how much has been sacrificed for me and being willing to sacrifice for others.

 

In Philippians 2, Paul explains to the church why Timothy is superior to the other workers he has on hand.  He says in verses 20-21, “I have no one else like him, who will show genuine concern for your welfare.  For everyone else looks out for their own interests, not those of Jesus Christ.”  Isn’t it interesting how caring for the welfare of the church members was the same as looking after the interests of Jesus?  In 2013, I want to become a Timothy.  At the end of the year, I want someone who knows me well (hopefully my husband who sees it all!!) to say of me, “I know no one like Shannon.  Everyone else looks after their own interests, but she looks after the interests of Christ.”

The One I Reach for First

I really like Sugarland.  Ever since I caught a season of Duets, I have decided that Jennifer Nettles is possibly one of the nicest most down to earth people in the world – and she has a great voice.  One time I saw her perform with her band during the CMA’s, and I just couldn’t help but be riveted by their presence on stage.  And did anyone see her sing “O Holy Night” with John Legend??  Wow.

 

Today, I was having my ideal Saturday morning – cooking homemade soup in a quiet kitchen with Pandora playing in the background.  At one point, Sugarland’s “Fall into Me” began to fill the kitchen, and I started to hum along while I chopped and stirred.  I started to make me a little nostalgic for my wedding day, and I found myself wishing that Andy and I had used it for our first dance.  I listened to the lyrics a little more closely thinking about how they might apply to our relationship, and you know what I found?  I found conviction!  Those lyrics, though beautiful, don’t and shouldn’t fit our marriage.

 

Take this line for instance: “Fall into me.  My arms are open wide and you don’t have to say a word, ‘cause I already see that it’s hard and you’re scared and you’re tired and it hurts, and I wanna be the one you reach for first.”  At first it seems like such a nice sentiment – of course I want to be the person that Andy comes to when he is tired and scared and hurt.  Of course, I don’t want him running to anyone else to share his heartache.  But the more I listened to the song, I realized that I don’t want to be the one he reaches for first.  First, I want him to reach for the Lord – the only one who really understands how he feels and the only one who can give him the solutions and the type of comfort he needs.

 

Have you ever noticed that when we are tired and hurt and scared, the first person we run to is usually NOT the Lord?  It is no secret that adjusting to my new life and job in Charlotte has not been the easiest situation.  There have been fears and hurts and times when I felt exhausted, and I have been more than guilty of running to other people with those feelings over the Lord.  I am quick to pick up a phone and call a best friend or old coworker or my mom or Andy instead of taking my concerns and hurts to the Lord.  I do the same thing when I’m angry or frustrated.  You know what I’m discovering about those conversations?  Sometimes they are good and productive, but lots of times they aren’t.  Just this week, for example, I called my mom to vent a frustration, and after hanging up the phone my heart felt even more bitter! I thought that venting would help me move on, but it didn’t.  Instead, it made me angrier, and it spewed all my unhappiness on my mom and put a damper on her day, too.  If I had run to the Lord first and asked him to fill my heart with his peace and love and grace, I would have taken one more step toward being more godly, and I would have felt better. 

 

I think the same is true of hurts and disappointments and sadness.  There are times when I don’t even understand how I feel, so how could I expect Andy to understand?  The Sugarland song I heard this morning implies that the woman perfectly understands how her man feels and is perfectly able to meet his needs.  My experience has been that there are times when Andy does understand how I feel, and he is able to make me feel better, but the comfort he brings is only temporary.  The next day, we both go off to work, and my worries or struggles are still there.  Andy can’t meet all my needs.  He can’t be there whenever I need him, and I can’t expect him to understand how I feel all the time.  He can’t be the “one I reach for first.”  But Jesus can be the one I reach for first.  He is available anytime with perfect understanding and perfect peace.  He can quiet my fears and hurts, and he can give me the strength to respond to frustrations in a positive, graceful way. 

 

Before the song was over, I was able to listen to it and imagine it being sung from the Lord to us.  Listening to it that way put a wonderful, new spin on it.  You try it: “Fall into me.  My arms are open wide and you don’t have to say a word, ‘cause I already see that it’s hard and you’re scared and you’re tired and it hurts, and I wanna be the one you reach for first.”  Sounds a little like “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls,” doesn’t it (Matthew 11:28)?

The Unexpected

I love those education workshop leaders who say things like, “If you leave work exhausted at the end of the day, you are working harder than your kids.”  The implication is that you are a terrible teacher.  The implication is that a good teacher would have her children arranged into perfectly run learning centers where students simultaneously practiced critical thinking skills, peer tutoring, and creative thinking.  When they were not announcing brilliant comments and insights to their group members, these children would be working quietly in their seats and contemplating their unique role in the universe.  I am not that teacher.  At least not in Period X (dubbed X to protect the not-so-innocent).  In Period X, I do my best to keep my hair from turning grey by the moment; my kids from spewing profanity, hitting one another, or (popular this month) stealing each other’s hats; a pencil in everyone’s hand; and, oh yeah, teaching.  When my sweet babies leave Period X, I almost always give an exhausted sigh in the direction of my coteacher and ask, “What do we do about (insert student name here)???”

 

Today, before I left work, we had one of our everyday conversations about a child that we have continuously been unable to reach.  Erica, my coteacher, made the comment about this kid – we’ll call him Johnny – that I thought was right on target.  She said that Johnny is different than our other kids because he doesn’t respond to any of the tactics that normally work with the type of kid we teach.  You see, Johnny is representative of the group of kids who is always in trouble.  He is the type of kid that most teachers lack patience for.  He is probably used to being told he is doing things the wrong way, making bad grades, and being sent out of class.  Erica and I are both typically successful with these types of kids because we are patient and kind and encouraging.  Admittedly, we probably tolerate too much bad behavior in the classroom, but neither of us wants to be quick to send students out of the room.  We want them to have an education, and we want them to feel valued and special and cared for.  We want them to know that we aren’t giving up on them.  Usually, when we talk softly to kids and have patience with them and help them on assignments, they respond.  Johnny doesn’t.  I still don’t know what to do about Johnny.  But, our conversation today did make me think about our method and what made it so successful with most students.  I think we are successful because our response isn’t expected.

 

You see, some of our students are beat down so much during the day – maybe at home, maybe by other teachers, maybe by fellow peers, maybe by themselves. They come to our room expecting the same old same old.  They expect to fail.  They expect US to expect them to fail.  When their expectations of us don’t prove true, they respond.  They want to work for us.  They want to please us.  They want us to like them.  Now, I don’t want to paint a rosy, fake picture.  Their desire and their actions don’t always line up, but when Erica and I respond to their behaviors and attitudes with kindness and patience and encouragement, we defy their expectations and leave them unguarded.

 

The same is true in interactions with other adults.  I’m reading Lysa Terkeurst’s new book, Unglued, and I picked it up after school today.  In the chapter I read today, Lysa talks about how we should respond to other people when they are rude to us (perhaps God had seen my Period X today and thought I needed some encouragement!).  She writes that responding to rudeness with kindness and love is a way we can share Jesus with that difficult person.  Why does that behavior work?  Because it isn’t what people expect.  They expect us to be rude in return just like my students expect me to give up on them.  Sometimes, Lysa writes, the rough exterior a person shows is simply their attempt to protect themselves from what they expect in our response.  When we respond in contrast to their expectations, we break down their guardedness and share the Lord.

 

As I meditated on my earlier conversation with Erica and on Lysa’s words, it came to me that the ability to defy our expectations is what makes the gospel so glorious.  The amazing wonder of the gospel is that While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8)!  As humans, we are nothing.  We are hopeless and sinful and so far away from God it isn’t funny.  We are unredeemable…expect by the blood of Jesus.  The amazing thing about the gospel is that we never could have expected that anyone would want to die for us – much less the God of the universe – but He did.  One of the first verses I ever memorized was Ephesians 2:8-9 which says, “For by grace are we saved, through faith, and that not of yourselves – it is a gift of God - not of works lest any man should boast.”  How beautiful, right?  We are not saved out of anything we did, so we can’t boast.  We have nothing to brag about.  How unexpected that gift of grace. 

 

I love new Christians because they are still experiencing the unexpected.  New Christians still have that awesome wonder in their eyes and attitudes.  That incredulous question of, “He died for ME?  He wants ME?”  If we have let that feeling wear off, we have allowed the unexpected greatness of the gospel to disappear.  Maybe Christmas is a time to reclaim the understanding that the amazing thing about grace is how unexpected it is and how undeserving we are.  And perhaps, Christmas is also the time to surprise other people – that difficult little Johnny on the forth row who presses all your buttons, that grumpy clerk at the grocery store who sighs deeply when you ask for paper bags, that little red car that cuts you off in traffic.  Maybe now is the time to give them what the gospel gave us – unexpected love, undeserved kindness, unexplainable generosity. 

Good Morning, Holy Spirit!

Andy and I were watching a movie last night and the character said, “You’re always looking to the next thing.  You think, when I get married, or when we have kids, or when the kids grow up and leave home and it’s just us again, then things will be different.”    Her basic point was that she kept having hope for her relationship with her husband to change thinking that a new stage of life would bring improvement, but she was continuously disappointed. 

 

You know, I think Christians are the same way – or at least the Christian writing this blog is the same!  Lately, at least, I feel like I am always looking for happiness and waiting on it to show up.  I do some looking forward, “When we have a new house (one without roaches and a nicer bathroom)” or “When I’ve finally made friends in this town” or “When I’ve figured out how to effectively manage teaching an increased number of students.”  And I also do some looking back (ok, A LOT of looking back): “If only Kristy, Amy, and Alycia taught at my new school,” “If only Emily or Rebecca or Ashley or Sara or Marianne lived here,” or “If only I was still living in my old house.”  You know where my focus is in ALL of those thoughts?  Myself.  The absolute WRONG place for a focus to be.

 

In my Bible Study this week, our leader (whom I already greatly admire) said, “Every morning I wake up and I say, ‘Good morning, Holy Spirit.  Who do you want me to serve today?’”  She followed her comment by saying that before her feet hit the floor in the morning, the Holy Spirit puts people in her mind that need her attention and care.  From the time she wakes up, she makes other people and their needs her focus.  And she shared several stories about how the timing of her service to others resulted in amazing miracles for the glory of God. 

 

You know what I think I’m learning lately, and why I think her approach is perfect?

 

1. We aren’t made to be completely happy on earth.  2 Corinthians 5:1-5 compares earth to a tent that we live in for now and that we groan and long for our heavenly home.  Verse 5 says God made us feel this way so we will feel the promise of what is to come.  One day this week, it hit me that I’ll probably never live in the same place as some of my best friends again.  Andy doesn’t have a job that is flexible in terms of where we live, and I have friends who will likely spend the rest of their lives in eastern North Carolina.  The realization makes me long for heaven when we’ll finally all be in the same place again!

 

2. We are made to serve.  Isaiah 58:6-8 is too beautiful not to quote in this post.  It says, “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of  injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?  Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter – when you see the naked to clothe them, and not to turn away from you own flesh and blood?  Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.”  God has asked us to bring healing and comfort to those in need so that he can bless us.  Verse 9 goes on to say that after we do all of these things when we call for help from the Lord he will answer us.  After we have answered the needs of others, he will answer our own needs.

 

I’m also learning that I have it pretty good.  My church has been doing a series on social justice, and I’m also in a Bible Study with women who are really open about their own struggles.  Hearing the problems other people deal with on a regular basis makes me so thankful that, for now, God has blessed me with a loving husband, family, and friends.  He has given me a good job and a comfortable living situation and the freedom to practice my faith without persecution.  Life on earth was never designed to be perfect, and my expectations are way off if I look for it to be all the things I desire it to be – I won’t find that kind of home until I go to heaven.

 

For now, it is my job to wake up in the morning and say, “Good Morning, Holy Spirit.  Who do you want me to serve today?”