A Chevy Caprice and a Lesson on Waiting

When I turned 16, my parents let me have my mom’s car - a 1996 Gold Chevy Caprice.  I couldn’t find a digital picture of my actual car, but I have included an internet look-a-like.  It was a tank and nicknamed “Bertha” by my college friends.

 

Because it looked like an unmarked police car, people would slam on breaks whenever I approached them in traffic.  The windows would often stick if I rolled them down, and it took a unique pull, roll, pull method to get them back in place.  Sometimes the steering wheel would also stick while driving – and usually when trying to turn onto a side road or into oncoming traffic causing me to have to break, sit, and hope it would correct itself, so I didn’t end up in a ditch.  The break/sit move also prevented me from pulling into traffic when ANYONE was coming because who knew if my steering wheel would have the stamina it took to make the complete turn without stalling.  It is a good thing I lived in the country, and traffic was rare.

 

In college, the air conditioner and heat both broke.  Ironically, they each decided to break when I had a four hour drive home from school.  The heat broke in a hail/snow storm, and the AC died when it was seriously 100 degrees, and there was a wreck on Hwy 95, so the four hour drive ended up being a five hour drive.  The next time I drove four hours without air conditioning, I wore my bathing suit top and shorts which I thought would be better, but quickly discovered that sweating on leather seats in a bathing suit is as miserable as sweating in all my clothes.

 

I drove that car for three years before my dad finally decided that enough had gone wrong with it that I could have a new one.  When I turned 19, my parents bought me a 2003 Toyota Camry.  I can still vividly remember driving home from some errands with my mom and seeing that car in the driveway.  I was ecstatic!  I still have the Camry, and I still completely love it.  I have also never taken for granted how well it runs or the feeling I get from being able to walk to a car and not be embarrassed to get into it.  But, had I not spent three years with Big Bertha, I don’t think I would appreciate my cute car as much.

 

This week, I was listening to a sermon online and the pastor was speaking about a text in Habakkuk that I have long memorized.  It is Habakkuk 2:3 which says, “For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false.  Though it linger, wait for it.  It will certainly come and will not delay.”  The text is actually talking about the upcoming invasion of the Babylonian empire in Jerusalem, but the overall context is that God is ultimately in control and that his plans will prevail.  The pastor went on to talk about why waiting is necessary or good – why God doesn’t always answer our prayers right away.  He threw out several possibilities for why we must wait for our prayers to be answered, but one comment he made was that when praying for a desire, we appreciate it more when it comes if we’ve had to wait for it. 

 

Immediately, I thought about that car.  I know it is a petty example, and I know I was super blessed to even have a car and especially have a car that I didn’t have to buy myself, but truly, I am still so thankful for my Camry even though it has been ten years since I drove the Caprice.  If I can feel that way about a car, imagine the thankfulness I will feel for God’s blessings that have required years of waiting and praying.  My husband is one of those blessings.  I know according to society, we are not a couple who got married “later in life,” but we definitely got married later than I had wanted.  And, even after we met each other, our dating experience lasted longer than I would have liked.  But, I can look back at pages and pages of prayer journals where I prayed for a husband and then where I prayed specifically for Andy, and I can see how faithful God was through all of it – how he heard every prayer and saw every need and how he was refining me and my relationship with him through that prayer process.

 

Yesterday, I talked to a friend who is pregnant.  It took her and her husband longer to conceive than they ever dreamed it would take.  She knows what it is like to wait for a blessing, and as we talked about her pregnancy and future baby, I could hear care and concern and love for her child that is not in the voice of every mother-to-be I know.  I can’t help but think my friend and her husband will cherish their sweet baby a little bit more because they know that God answered desperate prayers to bring about his existence.

 

The idea of waiting for God’s timing reminds me of Romans 5:3-5 which says, “We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”  Beside that verse in my Bible, I have the note, “God is more concerned with our eternal character than our present comfort.”  Don’t give me credit for the thought – I’m sure it came from a sermon I heard somewhere, but it is so true, is it not?  God, in his great love, is concerned with making us people of superior character.  In our hearts, he wants to create thankfulness and an ability to glorify him and his plan regardless of the situation.  Believe me, I am preaching to myself, here, but I think I’m beginning to realize that the waiting is not something to “get through” in order to have the blessing.  It is the time where God refines our character and our trust in him so that we are prepared to cherish the gift when it is given and so that we have developed traits like the ability to persevere and have hope in suffering which will allow us to endure our future trials and comfort others in their trials.  The waiting is the blessing. 

To My Mom

Mom,

You have always been one of my favorite people.  What I love most about our relationship is that we’ve never had a time when we weren’t close.  You’ve always been one of my best friends – in fact, until being married this year, I would have said you were my absolute best friend.  Times when I’ve had the most fun have been with you.  Here are a few of my favorite memories and things about you:

 

1. When JT, Casey, and I were little, you always made us feel like we were the center of your world.  I know now that Dad occupied that spot, but thank you for fooling us.  When we were little, you took us on bike rides and let us swim in the lake and even learned to roller blade with us.  I don’t remember us taking special trips or going out to eat much, but you made everyday life exciting and fun.  We played dress up and pretend.  You took us to the library to get books – one of my favorite outings – and you let me pick whatever I wanted. 

 

2. You let us be who we wanted to be.  You let JT get his name shaved in the back of his hair, and you let Casey cut his in a Mohawk.  You let me paint my bedroom teal and even helped me put yellow sponge marks on it – and then told me it looked great!  You let me wear dresses until fourth grade, and then you let me wear those horrible leggings. Bless my heart, I had no style, and you knew it, but you let me wear what I wanted. 

 

3. You taught us to love and support each other.  I went to all those little league games, and JT and Casey came to my gymnastics meets and band concerts.  If one of us did well, you made sure all of us knew.  You taught us to buy birthday presents and Christmas gifts for each other from the time we were young, and one of my favorite traditions was how you had us open each other’s gifts on Christmas Eve night instead of Christmas morning so we would truly take the time to appreciate and cherish what we had given one another.

 

4. You had high expectations but great love.  Praise God none of us ever got in any major trouble, but I have no doubt that if we had, you would have loved us through it.  I knew you expected our best, but I knew that if we fell, you’d pick us back up.

 

5. My favorite thing about our relationship is that you are one of the few people who “got” me for a long time.  I didn’t have a ton of close friends, but you made time to be my sounding board.  You understood the ins and outs of the relationships I had in high school, and you know why it is that I love each of my college friends so much.  You understand why I could never have married a better man than Andy Speight, and you saw exactly what we wanted out of a wedding and supported our choices.

 

6. I love the lessons you’ve taught me over the years. Thank you for telling me I was beautiful for years and years especially when I didn’t believe you.  Thank you for helping me have confidence in my abilities.  Thank you for teaching me that I didn’t need a boy to make me valuable.  Thank you for teaching me the value of hard work and the equal importance of family.  Thank you for teaching me about grace and forgiveness and love. 

 

7. I appreciate that you helped me have a relationship with Jesus.  Now that I’m an adult, I admire even more how purposeful you were about teaching us about Jesus. I know that when you were raising us, you were still trying to figure out a personal relationship with Jesus yourself, but thank you for bringing us into that journey.  Thank you for reading us Bible stories and taking us to AWANA and playing Christian music in the car and going to Disciple Bible Study with me and making sure we made it to church.  When I started to become really passionate about the Lord and wanted to talk about my opinions and beliefs as a way of figuring out where I stood, I appreciate you for letting me talk and helping me figure out faith and encouraging me to dig deeper.

 

8.  Finally, I want you to know that for all the ways I appreciate you as a mother, I also appreciate you deeply as a mother-in-law.  Thank you for loving Andy, Grace, and Alley as your own.  Thank you for all your efforts to have personal relationships with them and for sharing their accomplishments as quickly as you share mine, JT, and Casey’s.  Thank you for pushing us to be close – for suggesting the girls call each other or go on walks when we are in town at the same time and for coming up with things the guys can do together.  Thank you especially for how you love my husband.  I am so thankful for the relationship you guys have together.  I love that you call him your buddy and that you appreciate who he is.  I love that he gets a kick out of you and your excitement for little things.  I hope you will always have as much fun together as you do now.

 

Mom, these are only a few of the reasons I love you.  I am sure I could write a book about all the ways you are awesome and how I’ll be forever thankful that you are in my life.  I hope that if God blesses me with children, I will be half the mother to them that you are to me.  I love you!! Shannon

Some Awesome Moms

Mother’s Day is tomorrow!  That means that today is my last day writing about my favorite mothers besides my own, so I feel the need to lump several into one post.

 

Some of my favorite mothers are the people in my life who show me what motherhood means.  Those people would be my friends – women who allow me to see when they are frustrated or overworked or wornout, but who also email me the cute pictures of their kids and call with funny and sweet stories and invite me to their birthday parties.  I’m beyond blessed to have some wonderful mothers as my close friends, and I hope they will be a wellspring of advice when Andy and I start a family.  So, here is a little about each of my friends:

 

Laura with her husband, Dennis, Aliye and Jace

Laura Mabry: Laura is my high school best friend.  We actually met in middle school when she moved in two doors down from my family, and some of my best childhood memories are with her.  She was the first of my friends to get married and the first to have a baby.  Her oldest, Aliye, is 5 years old and her youngest, Jace, is less than a year.  Through parenting, Laura has taught me what it means to love children forever.  Staying pregnant hasn’t been easy for Laura, and in between Aliye and Jace, she suffered a few miscarriages.  Even though she’ll only meet those children in heaven, Laura has special ways in which she remembers those babies on earth.  She won’t let them be forgotten or overlooked in her heart.  Laura has shown me that what everyone says about a mother’s love is true – it begins as soon as she knows she is a mom, and it will not die.  Aliye and Jace are so blessed to grow up with a mother who loves them forever and always.  I have complete confidence that there is nothing those two children could ever do that would make Laura love them less, and I love that about her.

 

Emily, James, and Harison

Emily Holland: Emily is one of my best friends from college.  She got married a week later than Laura, and her oldest, James, is two and her youngest, Harrison, is still in her belly – only four weeks or so from being born.  Emily’s kids are the ones I hear the most about.  She might live in Louisiana, but I feel like I know James as well as if I saw him every weekend because she is quick to share stories and send pictures.  Emily is an awesome parent.  She used to be an elementary school teacher, and she raises James with the same discipline and love she used in teaching.  What I love the most about Emily is that all her decisions regarding how she raises James are thoughtful and purposeful.  I remember her telling me one time that she was having trouble with James running away from her when she told him it was time to get dressed.  She identified his response as a behavior issue, and I asked her how she handled it.  She responded (like the situation was a no-brainer), “Well, you know he is 2. He wants to be independent and make his own choices, so I just laugh and tickle him and then ask if he wants to put on his pants or shirt first.”  She followed up by saying that the important part of the conflict for her was that he did what she told him to do – put on his clothes – but she understood the important part for him was that he got to decide what he wanted to do, and she let him have that independence.  I love that Emily sees the big picture when it comes to parenting.  She and her husband are quick to consider how their parenting decisions will affect the person James becomes in the future and they, like my own mom, support the belief that if the behavior won’t be cute when he is 15, it shouldn’t be treated like it is cute when he is 2.  I’m so proud to know Emily and call her friend, and I can’t wait to see what type of men her sweet boys become.

 

Rebecca and her sweet niece
 Doesn't it show what an awesome mom she'll be?

Rebecca Warren: Rebecca is another friend from college.  She and Emily actually grew up together.  Rebecca got married six years ago and is pregnant with her first baby, Davis Matthew.  I haven’t had the opportunity yet to see how Rebecca will raise Davis, but I have had the opportunity to see how badly she wanted him way before she was pregnant.  Rebecca reminds me of Hannah in the Old Testament who begged and begged God to give her a child and promised to dedicate her baby to him if he would.  God gave her Samuel whom Hannah later sent to live with a priest so that he could be raised in God’s house.  I love Hannah because it shows that a mother’s love is deep and desperate and self-sacrificing.  Rebecca is the same way.  She wanted Davis deeply before she ever knew him, and she and her husband sought God desperately to bless them with him.  They believed God and his promises to give them children, and in August, we will welcome their precious baby.  Rebecca has shown me that much of parenting is relying on the Lord.  Getting pregnant, having healthy babies and caring for less than healthy ones, and raising children to love God can’t be done without the Lord’s hand on the process.  Rebecca shows me that God must be invited into every step of the journey called motherhood, and because she relies so fully on the Lord, I can’t wait to see what plans God has for Davis Matthew Warren.

 

Laura Smith: Laura is a new friend. I met her at my Bible Study in Charlotte.  She might be a new friend, but she is one of those people I feel like I’ve known a long time.  I know I’ve said this before, but she and the other women in my Bible Study have been God’s greatest blessing to me in Charlotte (besides my wonderful husband, of course!).  All of the women in my Bible Study have shown me wonderful traits of mothers.  They care for children with special needs and children who have been adopted from overseas.  They sacrifice day in and day out for children of all ages, and they continue to speak with love and pride about accomplishments ranging from learning ABC’s to getting engaged.  While they are all awesome mothers, Laura is the one I’ve had the opportunity to get to know the best, and what I love about her parenting is that she shows me what it is to be a family.  Laura’s husband has a job that allows him to be home at regular times and on weekends. So from Laura, I hear about the ways she carves out time for family activities.  She and her husband go together to take their 2 year old, Harper, to the park or hiking or out to eat.  Laura talks about the importance of having dinner together as a family every night, and she and her husband give Harper baths together and read the Bible with her.  I also love that Laura makes it a priority to give Harper time with her daddy.  On Wednesday nights, Laura goes to our Bible Study, and she and I usually exercise or grab dinner before study.  Those nights are BJ’s nights with his daughter.  He picks her up from daycare and takes her out to dinner before spending special time with her that night – though it isn’t rare for him to send Laura a picture or video text sharing their adventures.  Laura reminds me that parenting is not all about mothering – it is about creating a family unit and carving out time for a dad to have individual relationships with his children.

 

Happy Mother’s Day to my sweet friends!  I love all of you, and I’m so thankful God has put you in my life to be a model of motherhood. 

My Grandma and My Grandmom

Two mothers I want to honor today are my grandmothers.  I have been blessed to have the absolute best grandmothers in the world, and you know my favorite thing about them?  They are about as opposite as you can get.  Nevertheless, I am beyond blessed to share DNA with these two special ladies.

 

Grandma Vaughn

My dad’s mom helped to practically raise my brothers and me.  My mom worked the weekend shift as a nurse until I was in the third grade, so my dad was in charge on the weekends which was actually code for weekends with my grandma.  My grandma died in 2005 during my senior year of college, and she had dementia for many years before she passed away.  Therefore, my best memories with my grandma were when I was little. 

 

My grandma loved Jesus, and she taught her grandchildren to love him, too.  She also loved us.  When we were with her, she made us feel like nothing in the world was more important than we were.  My grandma lived in a little farmhouse in the middle of nowhere, but somehow, she made life fun.  She packed peanut butter and saltine crackers and told us we were going on picnics; then she drove us to the middle of an old cow pasture in her car and spread a blanket letting us eat in the field.  We told stories and sang “Over the River and Through the Woods.”  She showed us what a beaver dam looked like and taught us to recognize poison ivy.

 

My grandma had an apple tree in her back yard, and she let my brothers and me pick apples that she carefully cut and baked into a homemade pie.  Her kitchen was outdated but full of love and good smells.  Every Sunday, she would host a meal after church.  People don’t do that anymore, and it is a tradition I miss.  Eating a huge homemade lunch at my grandma’s was the highlight of Sunday afternoons.  Now that I’m an adult, I can’t believe women like my grandma would be willing to sacrifice their entire Sunday slaving in a kitchen for their family, but I think that is how Southern ladies show love – through their food and hospitality.  While I would never want to cook all Sunday, I can see bits of my grandma in myself.  I also enjoy showing love through hospitality.  I’m not a gourmet cook, but I like having family and friends over for dinner.  I especially love when we have overnight guests, and I get to make special breakfast treats and coffee to share with my favorite people.  My drive to work hard and well also comes in part from my grandma, and like my grandma, I am a teacher.  I’m so proud I had the opportunity to be her granddaughter and learn to love in some of the ways she loved.

 

Grandmom Leopardi

My mom’s mom is the total opposite of my Grandma Vaughn.  For one thing, my grandmom is not Southern.  She was born in Michigan (I think!) and lives in New Jersey now.  She is feisty and outgoing and always up for a good time.  She likes to travel and sight see and paint and buys cute clothes and shoes.  My grandmom might be in her 80s, but you’d probably never know it.  My favorite quote from her this year is, “If you don’t keep going, Shannon, you die, and I don’t want to die yet.” 

 

Some of my best childhood memories are summers at my grandmom’s house in New Jersey.  Ocean City is one of my favorite places in all the world.   My grandmom made sure we enjoyed every moment of our trips to see her.  I remember her taking me to breakfast on the boardwalk and telling me that if she could get my Pop to agree to it, she’d move to one of the apartments above the shops on the boardwalk.  She wanted to live there because there was so much going on in that place.  She took us to see houses she had lived in before moving out of Ocean City, and she made sure that we saw other major attractions, too.  When I was in middle school, she and my Pop took me to Philadelphia and showed me the Liberty Bell.  When I graduated high school, my grandmom helped my mom arrange a trip from Atlantic City to New York City via bus.  I will never forget the three of us lugging our little suitcases through the streets of New York to find our hotel. 

 

My grandmom has taught me that life is truly meant to be lived and that every moment should be savored.  She shows me that one is never too old to try something new or different.  She is currently an avid Facebook user and is convinced she needs an Iphone – like all those young kids (keep in mind by “young kids” she means my uncles in their mid-50s).  In those ways – adventurous, outgoing, open minded – I wish I could be more like her.  My brother, JT, and several of my cousins certainly inherited all those qualities.  Although not adventurous as she, I like to think that my strength of character and determination come from my grandmom.   I believe myself to be strong and independent.  My grandmom doesn’t let anything hold her back from what she is determined to do.  She pushes ahead and always believes there is a way.  My dad often describes me as “hard headed,” and while it is an adjective that could describe many members of my family, I’d love to believe that a little piece of it is from my amazing grandmom.

 

Happy Mother’s Day to these two special women!  You sure have made the world a better place for all your children and grandchildren.

Marianne and Kristy

Mother’s Day is right around the corner, and inspired by a blog I follow (simplysincere.com), I decided to take the next four days and send little shout outs to some of the “mom figures” in my life.  I’ll be saving the best (my mom of course!) for last.  She’ll get her shout out on Sunday which is actually Mother’s Day.  Today, my thanks and love go to two women who have been amazing mentors to me over the years.  Their names are Marianne Cox and Kristy Dail. 

 

I met Marianne when I was a sophomore in college.  She came into my life to lead my college Bible Study and very quickly became a spiritual and life mentor.  So here’s to Marianne:

 

Marianne, I don’t know what my life would look like without you.  You are the person who first taught me practical ways to make every decision based on faith.  From you, I think I’ve learned more about the Bible and God than any other single person.  Not only have you helped me learn more the Lord, but you’ve taught me more about life, too.  From you, I learned that cooking chicken in a crockpot is far superior than boiling it, that budgeting comes down to making a spreadsheet and saving receipts, and that the solutions to relationship problems are never as hard to find as I think.  You are the person I call when I’m trying to cut my grocery bill in half, when I want to pick a new paint color, or when Andy and I are having a conflict that requires outside wisdom.

 

You are the sweetest, wisest person I know.  My favorite memories of you will always be those months leading up to my wedding when we went on long walks, and I told you every single thing I feared about becoming a wife and moving to Charlotte.  I will never forget the way you weighed my concerns and assured me that the future would definitely not be as scary as I was imagining – you were so right!  I know your husband, whom I love, will always believe he did our marriage counseling, but I am convinced that I would not be half the wife I am without your influence.  I love you so much, and I’m beyond thankful that God put you in my life.  Happy Mother’s Day! – Shannon

 

Kristy Dail is another “mom” figure who has been a professional and spiritual mentor in my life.  She helped hire me for my first job as an English teacher at Farmville Central.  Here is my shout out to Kristy:

 

Kristy, I will never forget meeting you in Mrs. Galberth’s office when I was about to graduate from graduate school and was interviewing for the job.  Your big smile and energy immediately attracted me, and you are the reason I wanted to work at Farmville Central.  I am the teacher I am today because of you.  You taught me what it looks like to make teaching fun – to cut up and relax (when I can!) and enjoy being in a classroom full of crazy kids.  You taught me not to take my job too seriously, and even though I struggle with that one, when I am trying to get myself out of a funk, you are always the one I think about.  You – with your funny stories about kids fighting or still not understanding subject/verb agreement or asking insane questions – are the person who cheers me up.  You’ve taught me what it looks like to laugh it off, and I know you and Amy will probably never believe this, but I’m getting better and better at finding humor and joy in the craziness of each day.

 

You are also the person who has made it the hardest for me to be away from Greenville.  I thought I’d miss my college or church friends the most, but it turns out my coworkers are the ones I’ve missed the most.  Thank you for being my friend and coach and mentor for five years.  Thank you for pushing me to be a teacher leader and for giving me opportunities to practice those skills.  Thank you for showing me how to love Jesus by loving my students.  Thank you for your encouragement and love and help professionally.  Thank you, also, for being there for me personally and for all the prayers I know you have sent up on my behalf.  My best memory of you will always be the year I came to your room after school in tears because Andy and I had broken up and pleaded with you to let me teach remediation that day, so I wouldn’t have to put on a fake happy face at the staff Christmas party.  You saw how exhausted and worn down I was, and you didn’t ask questions but agreed to let me teach the class that day as a legitimate way to skip the party.  I remember thinking you’d go down to the party after you got your desk organized, but you didn’t.  You stayed.   You pretended, I’m sure now, to work.  Then you jumped in and did a little coteaching before running down to the party at the last minute and bringing back plates of food that we ate after the class.  I don’t remember you pushing me to tell you all the details of my breakup.  I just remember you being there when I needed you most.  For so many reasons, I will be forever thankful I started my teaching career at Farmville Central and with you.  Thank you, my friend, for being who you are.  I sure do love you! Shannon

 

PS - Why do I not have a picture of us together??  You need to come visit so we can fix that :).

 

Like Pushing a Piano

Today, while I was working out, I was reading Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niequist on my kindle.  I came to a chapter she had written about forgiveness.  In it, she made the statement that trying to forgive someone was like pushing a piano across a living room only to wake up the following morning and realize that it was back in its original location.  She made the point that forgiveness is difficult and must be done over and over again – it isn’t a “one time for all” type of move.  As I heard it described somewhere else this week, “Forgiveness is a choice, and sometimes it is a choice that you make more than once for the same person or situation.”

 

I love these descriptions because I completely agree.  I read versus like Ephesians 4:32 that say, “Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you,” and I feel like a lousy Christian because sometimes forgiving isn’t simple for me.  To make matters worse, I’ve never been a true victim.  Praise God, I’ve never been in a situation where someone has absolutely broken me – where giving forgiveness would be unthinkable to most people.  Mostly, I’ve been treated decently and loved appropriately and generally respected. My hurts have been minor in comparison to the hurts some people endure, and for that I am thankful.  However, as shallow as it is, I still struggle with bitterness in my minor hurts.

 

When I was dating, I struggled in relationships with boyfriends when they made poor choices or handled breakups without class.  I struggle in friendships when I get that accusing email or thoughtless remark.  I struggle in professional relationships when I feel that I am doing more work than my coworkers.  I even struggle in traffic when someone pulls out in front of me or takes my turn in a four way stop. 

 

When I feel that my rights are trampled upon, I start with the mental dialogue.  “Ugh!  I should have told her that she has it all wrong for reasons x, y, and z.  I can’t believe she feels like I’m the one who is wrong,” or “How could they not have seen my car coming!  The nerve of some people!” or “He is a total jerk!  And to think I heard he was a good guy.”  I know I need to let go of the bitterness and forgive.  I know I need to be kind and loving and graceful and all those things the Bible says a Christian should be.  So I’ll try.  I’ll try to forgive.  I’ll humble myself, and I’ll pray, and I’ll ask God to help me, and I’ll even think I’ve succeeded. But the next time that particular person persists in their typical behavior or that car cuts me off in traffic or I’m once again the only person working in my committee, I’ll go back to my ugly thoughts and my bitter heart.

 

This week, a lady in my Bible Study said something I felt was profound.  She brought up Philippians 4:8 which says, “Finally, brothers and sister, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”  She spelled out situations in her life that are exactly what I described above.  Situations when she gets angry and thinks negative or accusatory thoughts about people who have offended her.  Then she made the comment, “But I’m not instructed to think on those things at all.  I’m instructed to think about what is pure and lovely and admirable.”  She mentioned that as she makes a daily habit of forcing negative thoughts about other people out of her mind and choosing to only think positive ones, she finds freedom.

 

I thought her comment spoke volumes.  Living a life that easily offers forgiveness comes down to choices.  The choice to forgive – maybe more than once.  The choice to think positive thoughts.  The choice to give the benefit of the doubt – maybe that driver truly thought it was his turn at the four way stop.  I know that forgiveness is complicated.  I know that redeeming relationships after being hurt does not always come down to a simple thought process, but I know that the disposition to forgive comes first with a renewed mind.  I’m working on memorizing Romans 12:2.  It says, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”  Transformation – achieving the ability to forgive easily and freely – comes first with changing our thought process.  And, according to Romans, we will then be able to better discern God’s will, meaning that any additional steps needed to fully forgive will be clear once we begin thinking on only what is true, noble, praiseworthy, and lovely.  Like my friend pointed out, choosing to think positive thoughts is not an easy process.  It is a constant choice and must happen every time those angry, bitter, accusatory judgments sneak into our minds.  Sometimes it is like pushing a piano across the room day after day.  But, the reward – a renewed mind, an internal peace – is completely worth the effort.

For Such a Time as This

For some reason, I really love the book of Esther.  Maybe it is the female protagonist who helps save an entire race of people.  Maybe it is seeing God use a woman powerfully.  I don’t know, but I love the book, so I’m currently reading it for the umpteenth time.

 

Today, I read Chapter 4, which has to be best chapter in the book.  In Chapter 4, Esther’s cousin, Mordecai, comes to her and tells her of the king’s plans to kill the Jews.  Mordecai says to Esther, “Who knows but that you have come to a royal position for such a time as this?”  She agrees to risk her life to speak to the king, and she ends up changing his mind and saving her people.  It always sounds so glorious – this sweet girl who becomes Queen and saves her people.  But, you know, I don’t think it was glorious.  In fact, I’m thinking Esther could have been bitter about the way her whole life panned out. 

 

Esther loses both her parents when she is young.  She becomes queen because she participates in a “try out” that includes a year’s worth of beauty treatments and then spending the night with the king so he can decide whether she is pleasing or not before he agrees to marry her.  The king is pleased with Esther, so for better or worse, she becomes his queen.  If my life was hers, I might feel like God had dealt me one bad hand after another.  Not only does she lose her parents, but she also loses her chance at a committed husband as the king also indulges in a harem.  Furthermore, Mordecai encourages her to hide the fact that she is Jewish, so essentially, she loses what little family she has left when she becomes queen.  On top of all that, when Mordecai comes to her with the bad news in Chapter 4, she has not been summoned by the king for 30 days indicating that he is currently displeased with her.

 

It looks like a situation where it would be easy to be bitter and angry.  Instead, as soon as Mordecai says to Esther, “Who knows but that you have come to a royal position for such a time as this?”  She agrees to risk her life and approach the king about his decision regarding the Jewish people.  I’m not sure I would have responded in kind.  I may have been tempted to shout, “Royal position?  Royal position?!  Are you crazy?  I have been nothing but used by this man you call king, and he has not even spoken with me for 30 days.  I have no real friends because no one can even know I’m Jewish, and any communication I have with you has to take place via messenger.  I am sad and lonely and used.  This is not a royal position.”  Instead, his words motivate her, indicating that she agrees with his words and her role.  I also like the fact that Mordecai points out to Esther, “For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish.”  Mordecai has faith that God will provide help for the Jews.  He knows that Esther is not the only chance for deliverance, but if she chooses to be, she can be the instrument God uses to bring help for the Jewish people.  She agrees, and she becomes the one God uses.

 

God was able to use Esther because she focused on what she had and not what she didn’t have.   She didn’t allow herself to drown in self-pity.  Instead, she saw the privileges she had been given and focused on those, using them to play a part of God’s plan for the Jews.  I like her story because sometimes I find myself too focused on where I’m not rather than where I am.  In fact, today was one of those days.  Today I looked at the 35 kids in my classroom and thought, “What am I doing here?  These children are driving me bonkers.”  When I have moments like those, I feel stuck.  When I graduated from graduate school, my plan was to pay back my Teaching Fellow Scholarship and then become a college professor.  I never thought that two years after the scholarship was paid, I’d still be teaching high school.  But this is where I am, and where I chose to be, and “who knows but that I have come to a royal position for such a time as this?”  Who knows?  I called a parent this afternoon after her child had been suspended and told her about an alternative school he could attend while suspended so that he could still have hope of passing his classes.  I called another grandmother and let her vent about the difficulties she is having with her boy and how she feels like she is at her wits end. I gave them both encouragement, told them I cared, and directed them to their “next step” with contact numbers.  Who knows?  Maybe I am in my “royal position” for ladies like them and for boys like theirs.  I may not be blessed with the job I thought I’d have just like Esther may not have gotten the life she expected.  But like Esther, I’m still blessed.  On days like today, I may not feel my position is royal.  In fact, I may be more tempted to say like Esther, “If I perish, I perish” with a real belief that I will die in that classroom that day!  But, regardless of how I feel, God is using me where I am – as long as I allow him.  As long as I see that I am in a position where he can use me.  Because it all depends on me.  God can use anyone.  He could have used any of the teachers at Myers Park to call those two homes today, but he used me because I was there and I was willing.  Just like Esther.