The mother of Jesus

³⁴ Then Simeon blessed them, and he said to Mary, the baby’s mother, “This child is destined to cause many in Israel to fall, but he will be a joy to many others. He has been sent as a sign from God, but many will oppose him. ³⁵ As a result, the deepest thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your very soul.” Luke 2:34

This year, I’ve been thinking about Mary, the mother of Jesus.  Actually, I probably think about Mary every year at Christmas.  I remember when I was in high school and probably close to Mary’s age, I related to her in the fact that she had to deal with an inexplicable pregnancy.  I was definitely the good girl growing up – not as holy as she, I’m sure – but I definitely wasn’t sleeping with boys.  If God had come to me at that point in my life and asked me to carry his child, my first concern would have been about my reputation and dealing with the social stigma of being pregnant and not married.  When I was pregnant with Daniel last Christmas, I remember thinking about Mary again.  How hard it must have been for her to ride on a donkey for a long journey while big and uncomfortable and likely having contractions.  How difficult it must have been to give birth and try to recover alongside a man with whom she had never been intimate and likely didn’t know very well.  I hope God provided support for Mary in ways the Bible doesn’t mention.  In his great provision, I feel like he probably did.  But, still, my heart has always gone out to her.

This year, as I hold my own son, my firstborn, I think again about Mary.  I know Jesus was her Savior.  I know that in the end, if not all along, she knew that, too.  But I wonder if more often than her Savior, he was just her little boy – her baby.  You see, this Christmas I have learned that there is absolutely nothing like a mother’s love.  I love my family, I love my husband, I have friends I love like family, but none of that compares to the way I love Daniel.  My love for him is full of awe and wonder and a fierceness I have never felt before.  This love is also absolutely full of sacrifice.  I have given almost everything to be Daniel’s mother.  I’ve sacrificed my cute figure and, while I’m gradually getting my waist back, my body has changed in ways I know will be permanent.  My relationship with Andy has grown in many ways but has also changed in others – we no longer have dinners completely focused on one another.  In fact, many nights, one of us shovels down our food to go bathe the crying baby in the room and put him to bed.  My days are all about Daniel.  I structure workouts and cleaning and time with friends around his nap schedule.  I don’t go to the bathroom in peace anymore, and I often use the toilet with a baby standing on my knees or crying outside a door.  I rarely find time to do my nails or curl my hair or take a long bath – all activities I enjoyed before having Daniel.  When I fall into bed at night, it is usually with the exhaustion of giving all I had to give, and with the knowledge that I will get up at least once before morning with my sweet boy.  And honestly, even on the worst days, I’m thankful every minute for the opportunity to make these sacrifices.

I have no doubt that Mary also knew what it was to be a mother who makes sacrifices for her children.  Mary didn’t only sacrifice her bathroom privileges and her alone time.  She sacrificed her entire reputation.  I come from a small town, and I know what it is like to have everyone know everything and know it forever.  I have no doubt that in her tight knit Jewish community, the whispers must have followed her:  “That is Mary – you know she was pregnant before she got married.  Mmmhmm… with the oldest, Jesus.”  That time she and Joseph spent in Egypt may have helped, but I’m sure it didn’t clear memories.  It probably added fuel to the fire for some: “Yep, they moved away for a while – probably hoping to spare her family the shame.”  Furthermore, Mary was not only a mother to Jesus.  We know that Jesus had four brothers and an unspecified number of sisters.  I am sure she knew what it was to sacrifice her wishes and desires to care for all her children. 

As mothers, we are wired to give everything for our children.  I truly believe that God created in mothers a natural inclination to be willing to sacrifice – we start giving from the very moment of conception.  I know that Andy would lay down his life for Daniel, but his love is a love that pushes Daniel to become independent and self-sufficient.  My love is a love that protects at any cost, and I think God designed it to be that way.  So when I think about Mary watching her baby carry a cross for her sins, my heart is heavy.  You see, I doubt she saw a King of Kings under that weight.  I bet she saw the glittering eyes of a toddler who loved people and whose dark eyes filled with light when they passed strangers in the market.  When she saw the hair matted in blood, and pricked by a crown of thorns, I bet she saw the soft baby tresses that she once combed with her fingers as she rocked him to sleep – on those nights when he was the only baby in her home.  When she saw the bulging muscles lifting the wood from his lacerated shoulders, I bet she remembered the teenage arms that slowly became big enough to wrap her in a bear hug – the little boy who started to tower over his mother.  I bet she remembered laughing at how quickly he was growing and about how he was eating her out of house and home.  When he passed her, and she saw the torn skin of his back, I wonder if she caught a glimpse of his birthmark – a small design on his lower back that she kissed every time she changed his clothes.  A mark most didn’t know existed now exposed to the crowd.  As his feet staggered, I wonder if she was reminded of tickling his little toes or watching him take his first steps or seeing those same feet run with his brothers in the yard as they played.

Jesus was Mary’s Savior, but I don’t think she always thought about that when she saw him.  I think she thought of him as the son she loved.  The son who sacrificed for her when she was so accustomed to sacrificing for him.  Don’t get me wrong, I truly believe that in moments of quiet reflection and definitely after his death, Mary knew Jesus as Savior.  Jesus’ brother James became the leader of the Jewish church.  Who Jesus was always meant to be must have become clear to his family and likely brought comfort, but I also wonder if, as she was surrounded by her family, Mary had moments where she was consumed by the empty chair in the room and the absence of her first born. 

This Christmas, my heart is full for Mary the mother of Jesus and for the sword that pierced her heart.  I type this blog with my sleeping son lying next to me.  I look at him cuddled around his paci in his footie pajamas, and I can’t imagine having to watch him walk the path to Golgotha.  I am so thankful God didn’t choose me.  I am so grateful that I was not asked to be the mother to the Savior of the world.  And this Christmas, I am forever thankful for the great sacrifices Mary made that allowed Jesus to pay the price for my sins.

What to do with Santa...and decorations...and gifts...and holiday stress.

Before he left for work this morning, Andy and I became involved in a conversation about what to do about Santa Clause.  It sounds funny doesn’t it?  We have to do something about Santa Clause??  But I guess we do because, you see, this year we have a child.  This year, Santa has jumped back into our home as people ask Daniel what he is bringing, we take pictures with the man, and I grapple with whether or not to start the tradition of leaving cookies on Christmas Eve.  You see, my concern with Santa is that I want Daniel to know that Christmas is not about Santa, instead it is all about Jesus.  I don’t want Santa to come in and take over a holiday that really isn’t about him anyway.  I also don’t want my kid to be the one who goes to preschool and ruins the joy for children who do celebrate with Santa.  So I’m stressing out about Santa and what to do with him and what to tell our parents we are going to do with him.  And how THEY will react.  And, because I’m a big fan of traditions and establishing those from the beginning, I’m also stressing out about whether or not to leave those dumb cookies.

So this morning, I put Daniel down for his nap in his crib, and I curled up with my computer to type some prayers to Jesus about the big man in red.  I was seeking wisdom, and while God has not shown me what to do about Santa, he has shown me some problems in my own heart.  He made clear the irony in my praying about teaching Daniel the true meaning of Christmas when in my own heart, I have not been making the holiday about Jesus at all.  Here is the truth.  I’ve been stressing this holiday season – and not just about Santa.  This year, I feel pulled in a million different directions.  There are so many expectations and plans surrounding Christmas.  There are people to coordinate and schedules to consider, and everyone has their own idea of what the day should look like – and those ideas rarely coincide.  To make matters more complicated, I have a baby who despises his car seat and lots of traveling to do.  

Additionally, there is gift giving.  Let me just say that gift giving is NOT my love language.  I pretty much hate shopping.  I hate trying to find the perfect gift, and I’m not a big fan of spending lots of money at one time.  Furthermore, no matter how much I try to prepare in advance, gift giving inevitably doesn’t go well for me.  I’m pretty sure my brother and his wife won’t get the gift I planned in time, I STILL haven’t bought anything for Andy’s brother and his wife, and this week, I realized I have two more people on my list I had completely forgotten.  Great.

Then let’s add on the holiday decorating.  I try to add one decoration a year.  This year, we are in a new house and the outdoor decorations I typically use don’t work with the setup of this home.  I should add that we live on a Cul de Sac with the most awesome neighbors ever – and all those neighbors had their homes beautifully decorated right after Thanksgiving.  I didn’t want to be the stick in the mud with no decorations – and honestly, who wouldn’t want to join the fun?  So, I started planning what decoration to add this year knowing it would need to be an outdoor addition. I wanted those pretty candles people put in the windows as my new holiday decorations.  I’ve always loved those.  But we have a lot of windows in our new house, and I wanted the good candles – not the cheap ones that won’t work next year.  I calculated the cost of candles for all our windows, and I decided it was too much to spend this year.  Instead, I found those net lights that go over outdoor bushes.  These will be great, I thought.  They were only $10 a box, and I thought two boxes would do it.  I came home, proud of my new find and my budgeting skills, and Andy died laughing at the mere concept that I could think two boxes would cover our enormous shrubbery.  He was so right.  He volunteered to go out to get more boxes, and before I knew it, we had spent twice as much on those net lights as we would have on the candles I really wanted.  To make matters worse, I haven’t found the time to buy the battery operated timer we need to keep those things shining past our early bedtime, so we still look like the Scrooges on the street!  More stress.

It dawned on me during my quiet time this morning that whether or not Santa joins the Speight family each Christmas, I still have a focusing problem.  Christmas is not about Santa, but it is also not about gifts or holiday decorations or trying to figure out how to please every family member at the same time. At this time of year, lots of people like to say that Christmas is about family and giving and holiday spirit.  Well, here is the truth – at least for me: As much as I truly love all these things, family and giving and the trappings of holiday spirit are sometimes stressful.  And sometimes they leave me feeling frustrated and not at all joyful.  And sometimes all I can think about is going to sleep and waking up in 2015.  But the truth is that Christmas is really NOT about family or giving or the holiday spirit – at least not in the way we typically approach those concepts.  Christmas is really about Jesus.  Christmas is about God humbling himself to become like us so that we could become more like him.  Christmas is about a gift of righteousness not a single one of us deserves.  Christmas is about love – the perfect love of a Father in heaven who sees me in my mess and my stress and my worry and gives me enough grace to cover all of it.  Because of who he is to me, I can have peace this season.

It is nighttime now.  My family is asleep.  I’m about to be the first person on my street to unplug my Christmas lights, I still have a list of people without gifts, and I am no closer to figuring out what to do with Santa, but in my quiet house, I know the meaning of Immanuel.  I know that God is with me.  I know that he is bigger than any worry, and I know that if I continue to rest in and trust him, he will somehow work all the details of this crazy season to be beautiful.  I know this because he IS Christmas.

Let Us Not Give Up Doing Good

Galatians 6:1-10

I had a student one year who was very hard to teach.  I vividly remember his name, where he sat in my classroom, and almost every detail about his character and appearance.  I don’t know why the difficult ones always stick in my mind like that.  When I run into those super sweet, easy to love former students, I can sometimes barely remember their names, but the hard ones – they just stay with me. 

For the purposes of this blog, I will call this boy Darren.  I taught Darren several years ago, and I’ll never forget meeting him.  He had the face of a child who wanted the world to think he was tough, but whose sensitive spirit was hard to hide.  I’ve actually taught more than one “Darren” in my career.  They are the kids who are surrounded by the “wrong crowd.”  Darren was growing up with a mother who loved him to pieces, but in small town that didn’t always value success in the form of higher education.  Kids like Darren are the reason I became a teacher.  I always noticed them, and they always got to me.  They also made teaching insanely hard, and stole almost every ounce of energy from my body some days.  And this was Darren.

A week never passed that I didn’t have him in the hallway for some kind of private conversation.  He cussed at me, threw fits, became involved in fights, and even provoked fellow teachers all during my class period.  He required frequent pep talks and “get real” looks.  I wrote him up and I called home and I went to his basketball games and I did whatever I could imagine to make him believe he could succeed.  And still, he walked a thin line between passing and failing my class.

Then May came, and our end of course tests drew near.  Darren was identified as a student who was likely to struggle on the test, so when after school remediation was offered, I did everything I could to get him to go.  I talked to his coach and bribed him with food and extra credit.  I called his mom again.  He went a time or two.  Test day came, and I hoped for the best.  He failed.

The way the test worked that year, students could test a second time before they had to be remediated for their third attempt.  Darren took the test a second time.  He failed again.  He was horribly discouraged.  He came to the required remediation so he could take the third test.  By this point, school was out for the summer.  Darren wanted to be anywhere but in a nearly empty building trying to pass English I.  My coworker, Kristy, and I brought donuts and soda and our biggest smiles to that early morning remediation, but there is nothing more discouraging than looking at a room full of kids who have failed a three hour test twice and are anticipating a third failure.  And it is equally as hard to believe that you have anything left to offer them that will enable them to pass the test and the class.  It was a hard place to be for all of us.  But we survived two days of remediation, and on the third day, Darren and the others who had failed filed back into my classroom to try the test one more time. 

On the third attempt, we allowed students to leave the room after finishing rather than forcing them to wait until everyone was done.  In the last hour of the test, kids began to shuffle out one by one.  Except Darren.  He kept working.  He worked until he was the last kid in the room.  I looked at my watch and saw that he only had 3 minutes remaining in his time, and I prayed like crazy that I wouldn’t have to make him stop before he was ready.  I didn’t.  He finished just in time, handed me his test, told me thank you, and left.  I prayed he passed and, while others left work early to start their vacations, I waited and waited and waited until our scores came back.  And God brought the impossible – Darren passed.  He passed the test, and he passed the class.  Most students don’t pass after failing twice, so I called it a miracle.

One of our jobs as teachers after students retake these exams is to call home and inform them of the news and any next steps.  I could not wait to call Darren’s home and let him know the good news.  When I got Darren’s mom, I barely said hello before blurting out to her that he had passed!  Her response was priceless: “Oh praise, Jesus!  Praise, Jesus!  God is so good!”   I cried tears of joy with her.  Yes, God was good.

Today, I read Galatians 6:1-10, and verses 9 and 10 stood out.  They say: “⁹ Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. ¹⁰ Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.”   I read those verses, and I couldn’t help thinking of Darren.  There were so many times that year when it would have been easy to give up on him.  When he was cussing at me or beating lockers while I was trying to talk to him.  The day he literally invited another teacher to fight him while we were in the hallway.  The days when I was just angry that I was giving up class time to be in the hall again with him.  The write up slips and the calls home.  He was exhausting to teach and continuously doing good didn’t seem to pay off in the day to day.  But then it did.  Somehow, he passed my class.  And three years later, he graduated. 

In preparation for writing this blog, I tracked Darren down through social media and some former students.  So many of those kids I poured my heart and soul into have been arrested frequently since high school, and at least one or two of them for very serious crimes.  They all still have special places in my heart – I can’t help that – but I’m also not so delusional as to think they all ended up in a good place.  So, I’m ashamed to admit, that as I looked for Darren, I wouldn’t have been surprised at a police report.  He had a sweet spirit and much potential, but he also had a few dangerous friends.  Instead of a police report, however, I found great news about him.  I won’t risk exposing his identity by telling what he is doing now, but I will say that he has found much success and gives credit to the Lord for his achievements.

I know that I really had nothing to do with his success – God had great plans for Darren whether or not I helped him pass ninth grade English.  But, as I reveled in what he is doing now, I had to think about all those days I wanted to give up on him and didn’t.  Doing good work does make us weary, but I’m so thankful I had the chance to invest in this child who realized his potential – who has found his own harvest and is such a wonderful witness for our God.

All the kids I taught did not end up where Darren has.  Maybe they will one day, but for now, I know that every investment I made did not lead toward a beautiful story.  It is hard not to give up doing good when we don’t always see fruit in the lives of those we care about.  But the good news is that sometimes God shows us a harvest.  And sometimes we get to walk alongside him as he works in another person.  And for those times, I am thankful.

My Beautiful Mess

The alarm clock rings

A baby scream

and my day begins

I stumble in

(It was a sleepless night)

And pull him from his crib

I change and feed and burp

Pack lunch, make coffee too

I sing and play

Pull toys out

then put them up again

I chase the baby

Rock and pat

Hope he takes a nap

The day gets by

and instead of a thankfulness

frustrations gather in

The endless laundry

Dirty floors

And dishes left to do

The clingy baby on my legs

The dinner plans to make

The day to day clouds my thoughts

And I often forget

It is in the little things

I often sweat

sweet blessings can be found

A baby grin with “ma-ma” on his lips

Footy PJs and arms stretched high

this child for whom I prayed

The lunch, the coffee, and dinner too

for my husband made

The man I love

Who works so hard

To care for all of us

The dirty socks and dishes

And dinner that I bake

They represent my family

Precious blessings I’ve been given

Mouths to feed and feet to clad

A busy house we have

But out of home comes great joy

And not a moment would I trade

So, today, I thank the Lord

for the dishes in the sink

the tennis shoes

and scattered toys

the beds still left unmade

Because in these items

My loves are found

The beauty in the mess

Stress Eating and Freedom: Galatians 5:13-26

I stress eat.  If I’m hurt or sad or angry or frustrated or if Daniel is just crying and I can’t make him stop, I eat.  I’m not a whole bag of Oreos in one sitting eater, but I am a grazer.  I’ll eat a cookie.  Then a few M&Ms.  Then a handful of chips.  Then a piece of leftover Halloween candy.  Before I know it, I’ve eaten all day long, and I feel disgusting.  I did what I wanted, but nothing about it felt good.

We have all been there, haven’t we?  We’ve done something we thought would make us feel better, and it only served to make us feel worse.  I read Galatians 5:13-26 this morning which talks about having freedom in Christ but also cautions that freedom should not be used to satisfy ourselves.  When I first read the passage, it seemed contradictory.  Paul said that in Christ, the Galatians had freedom, but then he gives them all kinds of cautions about what they should and should not do.

Basically, he says that they should not seek to satisfy the desires of their flesh giving examples like hatred, discord, jealousy, envy, and selfish ambition (v.19-21).  Instead, he instructs them to walk in the Holy Spirit and practice love, peace, patience, gentleness, and self-control among others (v.22-23).  I don’t know about you, but the second list sure sounds more desirable.  It seems like it would be an easy choice.  But it really isn’t, is it?

Think about it this way.  For six months, I have been trying to lose my baby weight.  I used to be tiny, and I bought clothes that go on a tiny waist.  My waist is not tiny anymore, and I have the dreaded love handles.  Even with only a few more pounds to lose, my dresses just don’t fit.  Most of my other clothes will hide my extra weight, but not those dresses.  You’d think that the incentive to get back into my dresses would be motivation enough for me to eat carrots instead of cookies, wouldn’t you?  Often times it just isn’t.  It is still a real battle for me to avoid the sweets and snacks – especially when I’m home all day with an available pantry.  The limited satisfaction of the cookies is often a stronger pull than the long term satisfaction of getting my body back.

From personal experience, I know the same is true of those “fleshly desires” Paul discusses.  When I gave the examples above of those desires, I picked ones with which I have struggled or am struggling.  Take discord.  It doesn’t feel good to be at odds with someone else (even when they don’t know you are at odds with them), but sometimes I can’t help holding on to feelings of bitterness and resentment.  I have such a hard time letting those things go and letting peace and patience and gentleness take the place.  I think that I’m gaining something with my indignant feelings.  I’m having it my way.  But really, nothing about it feels free.  The truth is that I’m actually a slave to that person and their actions.  My feelings are all caught up in how they behave.  And that is just ridiculous.

If I want true freedom, I will choose to do life God’s way.  Which means, when I have a choice between anger and gentleness, I’ll choose gentleness.  When I have a choice between envy and patience, I’ll choose patience.  When I have a choice between hatred and love, I’ll choose love.

The choice will probably not be easy, just like the choice between a carrot and a cookie is really hard – especially when the baby is crying!!  But if I can keep a long term goal in mind, maybe I can achieve it.  I know this sounds crazy, but sometimes it helps me to look at old pictures of myself.  Andy and I have a picture of us on our wedding day on the refrigerator.  Sometimes, I can avoid the cookie by looking at that picture, and by seeing that cute going away dress I’d love to wear again.  I think the same is true with how to live.  If I can keep a visual reminder it might help me to remember that my long term goal is freedom.  Andy and I have an empty wall in our kitchen.  We knew we wanted a Bible verse on it, but we’ve been debating what verse to order.  After reading the scripture today, I’m wondering if Galatians 5:22-23 is the appropriate scripture.  Maybe it will serve as a reminder to keep walking with the Holy Spirit and to keep making choices that will lead me toward my eternal goal.  And to remember that if I fail, like I often do, I can know that tomorrow is another day and my chances for choices start brand new.

Talk Time on Galatians 5:1-12

This post is going to be incredibly different than my others.  I'm excited about it, though!  I am in a class where I'm learning to teach online, and I've had the opportunity to experiment with some really cool teaching tools.  I decided to use one of them to "blog" about Galatians 5:1-12. 




Here is how it works: I've created a screencast where I talk through my impressions of the scripture.  You'll be able to see the scripture and my notes and also hear me discuss.  One reason I did this is because I wanted to show how I think when  I read.  I feel that lately my blogs have been more about my overall take away, and if you only read the blog and not the corresponding scripture, you aren't walking away with much of God's word.  Ultimately, I'd love anyone who isn't sure how to do it, to learn to study scripture for themselves as they read my blogs.  I think it can be easy to fall into the trap of reading what others think and not really studying what God thinks.  I've DEFINITELY been there - as you know, I'm blogging about Galatians to get back into scripture myself.




So, if I did this right, you should be able to click on the link below each picture, and then you will get to watch the video.  The videos are each less than 5 minutes long, so it won't take much time. If you love this method, consider letting me know, and I'll do it more often.

Click here to go to my discussion of Galatians 5:1-6.



Click here to go to my discussion of Galatians 5:7-12.

The Wedding Card I Should Have Written

I sent a wedding gift last week.  I scrolled through a registry of pretty, shiny items (a little jealous that I hadn’t thought of some of them for my own registry a few years ago), and I picked a gift.  As I clicked through the prompts leading to check out, I was given the opportunity to include a message to the bride and groom.  The baby was waking from his nap.  I could see him squirming on the monitor, and I quickly plucked out the standard, “Praying God’s blessings on your marriage!  Wishing you a lifetime of love and happiness!!” entered my credit card information, and shut my laptop in time to make a bottle and head to the nursery.  And since that moment, I haven’t been able to get the words out of my mind.  It was the wrong message.  It actually wasn’t what I wanted to say.  But the 200 character limit on the Pottery Barn website wasn’t enough to communicate my wishes for the bride and groom.

If I had it to do over, and had more space, I would’ve said something different.  I would’ve said this:

I hope your first year of marriage is beautiful, but I pray it isn’t smooth sailing.  I hope you have moments of disagreement and a few arguments.  May you have a day when you look at this person you chose and you think, “Oh my goodness, what have I done?” because it is in those moments that you must choose to fall forward.  It is in those moments that love isn’t easy, that it doesn’t come naturally, and that you must learn what it means to be patient and kind and self-sacrificing.  I pray you learn that. 

I hope you are hurt by your new spouse once or twice.  I pray that his selfishness stings your feelings and leaves you crying in the shower where you think he can’t hear because in those times, you learn the meaning of “love keeps no record of wrongs.”  You learn, in those times, to be more like Jesus.  To forgive even when it hurts and to forget even when you don’t want to.  You learn how selfish YOU really are, and you learn to become more humble and more gentle.

I pray you have seasons of great joy and much laughter.  But I also hope you have a few times of disappointment and sadness because in those times, you learn to lean on one another and push one another towards the Lord.  I pray those times make you strong as a couple and give you a foundation with this man or woman you have chosen that you will have with no one else.  I pray that you will have a night or two when you are so heartbroken that only the solace of her arms will do, and that in that embrace, you have a glimpse of the sweet love we have from our Father in heaven.

I pray for times of great change when nothing is comfortable because the decisions made in those times and the life you plan when everything is shaky gives you a shared vision for your future.  Seasons of change teach you to pray together and to depend on God together.  You become a team because of that time.  It is when everything is changing that you build your life, and you build it together.

I pray the Lord sends you babies.  I pray for love and laughter and squeals of excitement when you see a positive pregnancy test or the doctor calls or the adoption agency tells you that you’ve been matched.  But I also hope you have some sleepless nights with a crying child.  I hope that you cross paths at 3:00 am bleary eyed and exhausted because in those times you must look past the craziness that is your life and see the effort your spouse is giving.  In those moments, you experience the relief of his steadiness when he takes a screaming infant and tells you to go to bed.  On those nights, you see her selflessness as she gets up again to give another piece of her battle worn body to nourish and protect this child you love.

Ultimately, what I want you to know is that God’s blessings don’t necessarily come in times of joy and laughter.  I want you to know that the times of stress and hurt and exhaustion and loneliness and change can also be his greatest gifts.  In those times, you learn dependence on and faith in the Lord, but you also have the opportunity to lean in towards your spouse.  You have the chance to choose again and again to be with this person you’ve married.  You have the chance to show him that you choose him – even when life is hard and laughter doesn’t come easy.  In those times, you build trust and intimacy and a firm foundation that you’d never have the chance to create otherwise.

Waiting on Babies (and Promises): Galatians 4:21-31

Since I'm talking about sweet little boys in this blog, I had to include pictures of my favorites!

Disclaimer: Today, my take away was not exactly the overall point of this passage, so if you are interested in a more technical breakdown, I’d refer you to a good commentary (try Biblegateway.com).  Instead, as I read, two verses stuck out heavily to me, and I wanted to blog about them.  I do not believe I am compromising Paul’s point in these scriptures, but I will say that he has more to say than simply what I blog, and it might be worth checking out if you are interested. 

When Andy and I decided we were ready to have children, I was READY.  I am a serious type-A personality, and when we decided we wanted to be pregnant, I wanted to be pregnant immediately.  It didn’t happen immediately.  In the broad scheme of things, and in light of the true problems with fertility that others have, we didn’t wait long, but we definitely waited longer than I anticipated.  It was long enough for me to have a little sip of how bitter it is to deeply desire a baby and to be staring, yet again, at another negative pregnancy test.  It was enough time for me to share my fears and my hurts with others and hear flippant responses.  It was enough time to have people innocently ask me when Andy and I might start a family all the while knowing how deeply I wished we already had.

I have also had friends who have wanted children for years longer than they anticipated.  I know what it is to be down on my knees with a woman who is as close as a sister begging God for her baby.  I know what it thank God for what will be as we wipe tears because we are still in the place of what is.  I have held other close friends as they ached for another child lost to miscarriage, and I have prayed relentlessly with them as their bodies bore the stress of trying to carry children to term. 

I have also held miracles.  I met my son after a difficult delivery, and even through tears and pain and utter exhaustion, I stared unbelievingly into his tiny face, and I recognized God.  When I hold him now, I am overwhelmed with what love can be.  I have held another sweet boy whose life I know without a doubt will be used by God.  He is covered in years of prayers, and when I think of him and the events leading to his birth, I cannot help but be overwhelmed by the glory God shows us in this child.  He is a bright shining star of how God’s ways are always higher and better than ours.  And I love another little boy whose mother is like my sister.  He runs and plays now, and sometimes I watch him, and I see God.  His life is a miracle, and his mother had such faith that God would carry her through her pregnancy with him.  She sacrificed so much of herself to carry him and to make sure he would be healthy and whole.  She believed God had promised him even when others doubted another child should come to her.  He is a miracle.

Today, I read the end of Galatians 4, and two verses reminded me of these boys I love and of their mothers.  The first is verse 27, and it says, “Rejoice, O childless woman, you who have never given birth!  Break into a joyful shout, you who have never been in labor!  For the desolate woman now has more children than the woman who lives with her husband!”  I know a little about wanting a child, and I do not know anyone who is breaking into a joyful shout when she is looking at another negative pregnancy test she wished were positive.  In that situation, it is really hard to find joy.

Another woman in a similar position knew about the difficulty of finding joy.  Verse 23 says, “The son of the slave wife was born in a human attempt to bring about the fulfillment of God’s promise.  But the son of the freeborn wife was born as God’s own fulfillment of his promise.”  This passage is specifically talking about Abraham’s two children.  God promised Abraham that he would have children as numerous as the stars in the sky.  And yet his wife, Sarah, continued to be barren.  She went for years and years and years without babies.  Menopause came and went and still no babies.  The promise became difficult for her to believe, so Sarah made her own way by giving Abraham her servant girl, Hagar, as his wife.  In those days, children born to servants could be considered as the wife’s own children.  Her plan worked, and Hagar gave birth to Ishmael.  But Ishmael was not God’s promise, and ultimately he only caused heartache for Sarah.  Taking matters into our own hands usually does that.  Despite Sarah’s actions, God fulfilled his promise and brought Abraham a son, Isaac, who was born of Sarah’s own body.  The body she believed had long ago failed her.  The body she believed incapable of producing children.  The body which, by anyone else’s standards, WAS incapable of making babies.  God had made a promise, and he fulfilled his promise.  Isaac became the father to the Jewish nation – a people as numerous as the stars in the sky.

Sarah is a testament that God can do anything, and we should take joy in what he did for her and others like her because his miracles reveal his power.  When I look at the little boys in my life, I can see that God is good and that he works in wondrous ways.  When I consider how tightly my friends held God’s promises, and then how they held their children in those same hands, I know God comes through.  I can look at their joy and have joy that he will come through for others who are still waiting – for a child or spouse or a healing or anything else.

This is not to say that I believe all the desires of our hearts will be met as we expect.  I don’t believe that.  We live on a sinful earth, which means that we will face hurt and heartache and loss.  But I do believe God will do what he says he will do, and I think Sarah and Abraham are certainly an example of that.  So, when we know God has promised a spouse or a child or a healing, we can have faith and joy that he will come through exactly as he has promised.  The wait may be longer than we hope, but he never fails. 

I also believe that even if we haven’t been given a promise, God is still good.  There is a verse that says, “Delight yourselves in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”  I believe that when we truly delight in the Lord, he will meet our desires in a deeper way than we imagine.  I know a woman who desired to be pregnant, but God has revealed that path will be impossible for her.  He has instead shown her and her husband a path to adoption.  Knowing their individual stories, I can see how God will use their unique backgrounds to make them the perfect parents to pour into children whose biological parents are unable to meet their needs.  God is not meeting the desires of their hearts as they imagined, but I believe he will meet those desires in a deeper, richer way than they would have expected.

I have another friend who deeply desires a spouse.  She wants companionship and love.  She wants a family of her own.  I don’t know what ‘God’s promises are to her, but I do know that right now he is using her in beautiful ways as a single person to be available to younger women.  She disciples high school students and spreads joy and love, and she is loved greatly and by many in return.  I know that she desires a husband, but I also know that because she is delighting herself in God, he is making her life full.

The ways God fulfills our desires are not necessarily the ways we would fulfill our desires.  Isaiah 55:8-9 speaks beautifully to that truth.  God may not work in our time or according to our plan, but his ways are always higher and better and more beautiful.  And when he has revealed his plan, we should not doubt no matter how impossible the promise may seem.  I know this verse is speaking of a promise God made that was not pretty or joyful, but I still love how Habakkuk 2:3 always reminds us that God will do what he says he will do.  It says, “For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end – it will not lie.   If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.”  The waiting is hard.  But the promises are true, and God does not delay, and he does not forget.  

Knowing Truth From Lies: Galatians 4:8-20

But now that you know God - or rather are known by God - how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable forces?  Do you wish to be enslaved by them all over again? - Galatians 4:9

When I found my house in Greenville, it was in the initial stages of the building process.  The lure of new construction and picking my finishes was strong, and I ended up choosing everything from the flooring to the fixtures.  It was a fun process.  But the one drawback of new construction is that you also get a brand new yard with new grass seed.  And, let me tell you, cultivating new grass, especially in sandy soil Eastern North Carolina is no easy task.  To make matters worse, I definitely don’t have a green thumb or a real interest in yard work.  It is no shocker, therefore, that when I went to sell my house four years later, the grass was seriously struggling.  The lifeless grass didn't exactly help my curb appeal, and it was the only fixable complaint from everyone who viewed my house.

Luckily, my father-in-law stepped in, and he brought a tractor and all the necessary supplies to fix my yard.  Andy’s parents are awesome in general, but especially when it comes to stuff like this, and the four of us worked all day in that yard tilling the soil, throwing out grass seed, and covering it in straw to help protect it and encourage growth.  In the weeks that followed, I watered it like crazy, the grass grew, and the house sold.

When I was reading Galatians 4:8-20 this week, I thought about preparing that soil for the grass seed and about a parable Jesus tells on the same topic.  In Matthew 13, Jesus tells a parable about how people come to have faith and grow in it.  He uses the analogy of seeds and soil, and he describes all types of situations where a person’s faith never grows strong.  Maybe their hearts aren’t ready for the gospel or they fall on hard times and lose faith or they don’t cultivate deep roots in the word and fall away.  Only seed that falls on fertile soil and develops deep roots is the seed that produces plants.  Jesus equates this seed to people who hear and understand his word and then produce a harvest.  When I was reading the passage in Galatians it seemed like the Galatians were a group who received the gospel message with great joy, but because they didn't develop strong roots in the truth of scripture, they were being swayed to follow another path away from Paul’s teaching.

It is easy to criticize the fact that they had returned to the law and forgotten about grace, but think about how much work it takes to create rich soil.  Jesus’s parable is such a good one.  I vividly remember my aching body and blistered hands after we worked to prepare my soil for grass.  I also remember having to adjust my schedule to water it every night and adjust my budget for the cost of the sprinkler running so long!  Getting that yard into sell worthy condition sure interrupted my life! 

Our spiritual lives are the same way.  We don’t just end up in a strong relationship with Jesus.  We don’t just happen to know the truth well enough to spot lies.  It takes work and dedication and a commitment to growth.  I’ve also found that, like yard work, sometimes the work is enjoyable.  Sometimes the sun is shining, the birds are singing, life is good, and our quiet times are easy.  Meeting with the Lord fits nicely into our schedules, we enjoy the time, and we are hearing his voice and growing in our knowledge and love of him.  But sometimes, the work is not so fun.  The weather is bitterly cold, the sky is overcast, and our backs are aching.  Sometimes, there are about a million and a half things on our to-do list and life is hard and our faith is struggling and meeting with the Lord is the last thing we want to do.  Sometimes growing the grass isn’t easy or fun. 

But regardless of our mood, growing strong roots is always necessary, and the Galatians are the perfect example for why.  They were so easily confused.  Paul had come and had shared the gospel of freedom in Christ.  They heard the good news that Jesus made a way for them to have community with the Lord and that he covered their sin.  But then different teachers came and confused them.  They heard other arguments, and they lost their way.  They thought they were still following Christ, but they had gotten off track and didn’t even realize it.

The danger for us is as serious as it was for the Galatians.  As an example, a friend of mine, who is also looking for a church in a new city, shared a story about something a pastor said from the pulpit of a church she visited that is absolutely contrary to God’s word.  I have been researching church doctrines like crazy lately, and I also happen to know that what he said is contrary to the beliefs held by his denomination.  My friend spends regular time in the word, and she knows it well, so she immediately spotted his lie.  But others may not have noticed it.  So many people trust pastors to share truth, but we have to remember that they are human just like everyone else.  They make mistakes, and it is our responsibility to be sure we are hearing truth. 

Additionally, it is our responsibility to make sure our thoughts are based in truth.  Sometimes, it is easier to spot lies shared with us by others than it is to spot the lies we share with ourselves (or allow Satan to share with us).  I spoke to a friend this week who reminded me how easy it is for our thought life to become corrupted.  For us to hear lies like, “God’s not faithful,” “I am worthless,” “My marriage isn't worth fighting for,” “I can’t forgive him.”  How will we know if we are hearing truth or lies if we aren't spending time growing our own roots?  How will we know whether we are on the path that leads to light or the one that leads to destruction?

 

It is a serious question.  But the good news is that all the work is not on our shoulders.  I am a new mom, and I stay home with my son.  You’d think that quiet times would be much easier now than when I was leaving for work at 6:45am and working 50+ hours a week.  Somehow, they aren't.  My child still doesn't sleep through the night, and whenever I get a quiet moment, all I want to do is take a nap or do some laundry or take a shower.  You would not believe how many times I have to force myself to sit down with my Bible and spend a moment with the Lord.  But here is the good news.  I have a helper in the Holy Spirit, and there are SO MANY days that I look at my bed and then at my Bible and pray, “Jesus, if you promise to give me energy to make it the rest of the day, I’ll spend this time with you” or “Lord, I will sit down with my Bible, but will you PLEASE make Daniel sleep an extra hour so I can sleep when I’m done?”  In full disclosure, Daniel doesn't always sleep that extra hour, but I do always make it through the afternoon until Andy comes home.

I don’t want to paint an unrealistic picture.  Sometimes the time in the word doesn't feel refreshing.  Sometimes I have to work to stay focused.  Sometimes I take a nap and don’t do it at all.  But I do know that the continuous effort to grow closer to the Lord and the help of the Holy Spirit is the way I walk a different path than the one the Galatians were following in Galatians 4.  And it is how I can know truth from lies.

What I've Learned in 6 Months of Motherhood

My last blog was kind of heavy – in all kinds of ways – so I wanted to take another break from Galatians to do a much lighter and more fun post[1].

When Daniel was 8 weeks old, I wrote a post telling what I had learned about motherhood in two months.  I remember that when I wrote that post, I was experiencing one of my first days feeling like myself again.  I had started sleeping a little, lost a tiny bit of weight, and was getting a handle on my house cleaning and laundry.  Daniel turned six months old yesterday, and I’d say that we have shifted into a new normal, and there are so many things I’ve learned in the past six months and so many sweet moments I don’t want to forget.

The most amazing thing I’ve learned about motherhood is the depth to which I could love another person.  I honestly believe I fall more and more in love with Daniel every day.  It is unbelievable how he has captured my heart.  His smile lights up my life and his little accomplishments make me insanely proud.  When he held his own bottle for the first time, I almost cried out of pride for him.  It is actually kind of embarrassing how much he can make my day.

I’ve also learned that, as mothers, we are all doing the best we can do.  Before becoming a mom myself, I definitely had all kinds of opinions about how children should be raised and what good parents ought to do.  Within the first week of having Daniel, my “good ideas” had dissolved.  I was already doing things I said I’d never do – giving a paci, putting him in my bed, walking him to get him to sleep.  Being a mom myself has given me so much grace for other moms.  And here is what I think now.  I think we should do whatever works for our family, and I think we should encourage other moms in their choices to do what is best for their families as well.

Recently, I read a Facebook post and corresponding comments where moms discussed whether or not to let babies “cry it out,” and opinions were so strong in one direction – which happened to be the opposite direction of the choice I’ve made for Daniel on that topic.  I thought that post was so indicative of a problem we have as moms.  We are all doing the absolute best we can do.  We agonize over so many of our decisions and then we pick a path.  Because we desperately want to do what is best, we sometimes become defensive if someone else chooses a different parenting path.  What if they are right and we are wrong?  What if our kid is doomed because we made the wrong choice?

In my short six months as a parent, I think I’m learning that there are not many wrong choices, and there are a whole lot of right ones.  I love the books on sleep training because they almost always include the line, “If your nature is against letting your child ‘cry it out,’ this method of sleep training won’t work for you.”  I think this is true of any parenting decision.  If a choice goes against our nature or our parenting style, it probably won’t work, so why not just do what we feel best about?

If putting the baby in our bed sleep or finding a great daycare so we can work or letting them cry it out to learn to self-soothe is the decision we feel the best about, we should do it.  And we should give encouragement to friends who are also trying to make the best decisions for their children and their families.

Because, here is what else I’ve learned: as totally awesome as motherhood is, it is also incredibly challenging.  There are days when I second guess every decision I’m making.  Should I have picked Daniel up when he was crying last night at midnight or should I have let him cry for ten more minutes?  Should I be staying at home or should I have gone back to work?  Should I be as rigid as I am about his nap schedule or should I be more flexible and join more play dates? 

Last night, we had a rough night with our sweet baby, and as I lay awake in bed, I told Andy that babies should come with a handbook.  I really don’t know what I’m doing, and I’m really not sure if what I’m doing is right.  But here is what I do know:  I know I’m trying my best.  I know I love Daniel Speight beyond words, and I know I want him to be happy, healthy, and well adjusted, so I’m doing everything I can to achieve those goals.  I also know that, as his mother, I understand him better than anyone else, so regardless of what anyone else thinks or tells me, they don’t know him the way I do.  Maybe one day I’ll look back and realize the things I thought were important really weren’t or that I could have been more flexible in some areas and more firm in others, but for now, I am learning and doing the best I can do.  And I’m ok with that.  Or at least I’m trying to be.

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[1] If you liked the last blog, though, be on the look out for a counter response.  A former coworker and neighbor, who also has a seminary degree and has worked as a pastor, thoughtfully messaged me his disagreement to that post.  I asked him if he would guest post a more detailed response, and he has agreed to send a post when he gets a chance to write it.  I know I’m excited to be able to showcase the other, very thoughtful side to that conversation, and you may be interested in reading it.  So excited for the unity to have these conversations and spur one another on in love!

Why I Believe in Free Will

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.  Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.  There is one body and one spirit, just as you were called, one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. – Ephesians 4:2-5

 

I don’t usually write about issues that are controversial among believers.  I don’t do that because I firmly believe Ephesians 4:2-5.  I believe that most issues Christians argue about are not essential enough to the gospel to warrant the disruption of unity.  Today, though, I do want to blog about a controversial issue, but I want to blog with a spirit of unity in mind.  I want to be humble.  I want to be gentle.  I do not want to cause disharmony.  So, to that end, I think it is important to specify why and to whom I am writing, and to do that, I think I should also indicate to whom I am NOT writing.

 

I am writing about why I believe in free will to encourage others who believe in free will also to consider why they believe in it.  I’m writing to encourage anyone who has never thought about the issue to consider it.  I’m also writing to ask anyone who doesn’t know what they believe to think about it.  And to persuade anyone who doesn’t know what their church believes to find that out.  I am a fan of being aware of what we believe and why we believe it. 

 

I am NOT writing to argue or to start a debate.  I am not writing to convince anyone who believes in election to change their mind.  I am not trying to disrupt unity or spark unhealthy disagreements. I’m simply trying to provoke thought. With that purpose in mind, I’m not going to pull out a ton of scripture or be argumentative.  I just want to give a little food for thought to myself and any readers, and writing is how I think best.  So here it goes!

 

Calvinist View on Election

I think it would help to outline Calvinism – especially if this is a new concept.  The Calvinist approach comes from John Calvin, and his belief system can be easily remembered with the acronym TULIP.  I’ll explain it using that acronym.  Calvinism is the opposite belief to free will, and though I don’t include much of it here (since I’m explaining why I believe in free will), there is definitely good scripture that can be interpreted to support Calvinism.

 

T – Total Depravity.  Calvinists believe that man is totally depraved.  They believe that because of Adam and Eve’s sin, man is now born into sin and is, therefore, incapable of coming to God of his own accord.  In himself, man can do no good thing – only God can enable him to do good.

 

U – Unconditional Election.  Here Calvinists believe that God has already decided whom He will save.  You may have heard this concept also called “predestination” as in God has predestined those whom he would save.  If we cannot come to God of our own free will because we live in total depravity, then God must bring us to himself.  Some he will choose to bring and some he will not choose to bring.  This would, by default, mean that he has also elected who would not be saved and who would, therefore, go to hell.  There are several scriptures used to back this belief.  I think Romans 9 is the most convincing, but Ephesians 1 is worth examining, too.  If you believe in free will, this is the hardest part of Calvinism, but someone believing in unconditional election would respond to you, “If you believe God is sovereign, you have to trust that his judgment is best and that he can do whatever he wants.  Who are we to question his ways?”

 

L – Limited Atonement.  This belief is necessary to go with unconditional election (at least in my opinion). Limited atonement means that Christ’s sacrifice atones for the sins of believers but not unbelievers.  If God has already elected whom he will save, then Christ’s sacrifice only needs to cover those people to whom he will offer atonement.  It is not available to all people because salvation is not available to all – it is only available to the elect and only when directly offered to them by God because, in their total depravity, they cannot ask for it of their own accord.

 

I – Irresistible Grace.  This means that God will come to those he has elected to receive salvation in such an irresistible way that they will not be able to deny his offer of grace and atonement for their sins.  This is where lack of free will is most clear. 

 

P – Preservation of Saints.  This means that people cannot fall away from God after a salvation experience.  Again, the thing about TULIP is that each consecutive conclusion makes sense based on the others. If a person has no choice regarding their salvation because God in his sovereignty elected them to receive atonement, then they would not be able to fall away.  That would not be part of his plan considering he chose them to be one of the elect.

 

Wow!  Lots of information, huh?  I hope it wasn’t too much. I know I left out scripture to back these points is most places, but it truly is there.  The links will help show it but also a search of Calvinism will help – there is a lot out there about TULIP.

 

Free Will

So TULIP is easy to understand – it is cut and dry.  John Calvin reminds me of my husband – perhaps not in his belief system, but definitely in his logical argument.  Free Will is so much harder for me to tackle.  It is harder because there is no set viewpoint on it.  Different denominations disagree with Calvinism in different ways.  For example, some agree with total depravity but not to the full extent that man can’t make a choice.  Some believe in the preservation of the saints but not election. 

 

There is no universal viewpoint on Free Will, so I simply wanted to write a little bit about what I believe, but before I do that, I want to acknowledge that I could 100% be wrong on this issue.  I’ve seen the scripture backing election, and I admit that it is convincing in places.  I also want to admit that one of the initial reasons I didn’t agree with TULIP when it was presented to me is because it just didn’t feel right to me.  It didn’t feel like the God I know, and we all know that feelings can lead us astray.  Backing beliefs with scripture and being willing to examine all the scripture and not just throw away hard ones is necessary to being a mature believer.  So, if the ideas I presented were making you uncomfortable in those last paragraphs, please take the time to examine the scripture supporting them.  Don’t discount a viewpoint simply because it causes discomfort, and don’t just believe what I say, either.  In full disclosure, I think I am at a place where I would have an answer to any scripture a Calvinist presented me, but I know that some of my answers need a little more thought.  Basically, I’m still wrestling with and praying about this issue.  And it is possible that in 10 years, I won’t believe what I believe today.

 

But….here is what I currently think in response to TULIP.

 

T – Total Depravity.  I agree that man is born into sin.  I agree that of ourselves, we are not good.  I believe that when we do good works, it is God using us to do them, and I actually think that God can use unbelievers to accomplish his purposes as easily as he can use believers.  I think about James 1:17 that says “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights.”  If every good thing comes from God, but some good is a direct result of the actions of an unbeliever, then I would say God is using that person to bring that gift.  In terms of salvation, I also agree that we cannot come to Christ of our own accord but that we are moved by the Holy Spirit to respond to his gift of grace.

 

U – Unconditional Election.  I don’t agree with this one.  I think salvation is available to anyone who asks.  I’d cite Romans 10:13 that says “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”[1]  I’d also refer to 1 Timothy 2:4 which says that God “wants all people to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth.”  I would question that if God desires for all to know him then why would he only make salvation available to a few?  As I said earlier, Romans 9 is very convincing in terms of a Calvinist viewpoint, but the overarching theme is that Paul is asking the Jews who they are to question God.  God, he says, can do whatever he wants.  If he wants to harden the hearts of some people as he did with Pharaoh in the Exodus, he can do that.  God is sovereign.  A Calvinist would say, “God is sovereign and who are you to question the fact that he chooses some and not others?”  I’m not entirely convinced this is Paul’s point considering that his overarching message to the Jews is: “God is sovereign and he has made salvation available to the Gentiles, so who are you to question that?  He can do whatever he wants.”  The Jews had no problem with election – they believed themselves to be elected.  They did have a problem with salvation being free to all – especially Gentiles.  So, I wonder if Paul’s point is the opposite to what a Calvinist would say.  I wonder if Paul is saying, “He can do whatever he wants.  He can harden hearts if he wants.  Or he can make salvation available to all.  Who are you to question that?”

 

There are also other good scriptures in Ephesians (and elsewhere) that Calvinists use to support unconditional election but my viewpoint on these scriptures would be that God lives outside of time.  He created time and is, therefore, not bound to it.  He knows who will choose to follow him and who won’t. I believe, then, that as believers, we are predestined for certain plans God has for us.  However, we are predestined due to our foreknown choice not due to his election.

 

L – Limited Atonement.  I believe that salvation is available to all people.  I believe 1 John 2:2 that says “He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world” and Acts 17:30 that says, “But now he commands all people everywhere to repent.”  I take that those verses to mean that atonement is available for believers as well as unbelievers.  And putting that with 1 Timothy 2:4, I’d say that anyone who wants to be covered with Christ’s atoning sacrifice can be.

 

I – Irresistible Grace.[2]  Calvinists firmly believe we cannot earn our salvation, and so they see any action on our part as a step toward earning or believing we deserve salvation.  That is probably their biggest hang up with the concept of free will – the idea that anyone who believes in free will must believe they are doing something to earn their salvation.  I don’t agree that believing in free will means also believing that we earn our salvation. 

 

This week someone told me that a member of his Bible Study made the comment that “we only have to reach our hands up to heaven to attain salvation.”  Someone in the study who is Calvinist essentially responded, “So you believe it is in your reaching that you are saved?  As if you did something to earn salvation?”  I’m not Calvinist, but I actually struggled with that wording “reach up to heaven,” too.  Because here is what I don’t believe.  I don’t believe that we do anything at all to earn our salvation.  Remember, I agree with total depravity.  Of ourselves, we are completely incapable of being saved, and it is only through Christ’s gracious work on the cross that we have the opportunity to be in heaven.  I also believe that the Holy Spirit stirs our hearts to accept the gift of grace, and that the Holy Spirit will stir the heart of anyone with a desire to know God (see Acts 17:27-30).  I guess that is why I’m not ok with the wording, “we reach up to heaven.”  I think the only reason we can have community with God is because he reached out to us.   So, I would say that Christ paid the price, the Holy Spirit moves our hearts toward God, and we simply accept the gift.  We say thank you.  We admit our sin.  We simply acknowledge that without God, we are nothing.  I think we have that responsibility.

 

I see it like this: we are in jail.  We are locked up in our sin.  We deserve to be there.  We have a death sentence on our heads, and we deserve to die in prison for what we have done.  But, Christ comes.  He says to the warden, “Treat me like Shannon Speight.  I am her.  I’ll do her penitence.”  And so he does the life sentence, and he is put to death.  To the warden, Jesus looked like me – he was me.  So once the price is paid, Jesus stands in front of me with the key let me out of my cell because, as far as the warden is concerned, my debt is paid.  Jesus stands there holding that key in the lock and all he asks is that I will acknowledge what he did for me – just say thank you and admit that I did nothing to get out on my own and that he paid the price.  When I was saved, I don’t think I unlocked my own cell.  I don’t think I paid my own price.  I don’t think I did ANYTHING to get the freedom I have.  I just think I “Confessed with my mouth ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believed in my heart God raised him from the dead” and as a result, I am saved (Romans 10:9).

 

So, I believe in grace.  I believe the Holy Spirit moved in my heart to help me accept God’s grace.  But I don’t believe that grace was irresistible.  I think God wanted me to acknowledge who he was so he gave me the free will to make that choice.  He also gave me the free will to not make that choice and my consequence would have been hell.  The free will he bestowed was another gift of grace as he could have just as easily made me do what he wanted. I have been a Christian for as long as I remember, so I can’t give personal anecdotes concerning the salvation experience, but I know I’ve resisted the Holy Spirit in other areas.  I’ve done things I’ve expressly felt him telling me not to do, and I’ve not done things I’ve felt stirred to do.  I believe I have free will and that it is my responsibility to follow Christ or not.  But, if I choose to follow, I also believe it is only by his grace that I am able to do that.

 

Preservation of the Saints: I don’t know what I believe on this one.  This is that age old question about whether it is possible to lose your salvation.  A lot of people justify the preservation of the saints with the scripture in John 18 about Jesus not losing any of those that were given to him, but in that context it seems to apply more to the disciples than to us.  Others use Romans 8:31-39 about how nothing can separate us from Christ, but of all the things listed, I believe that nothing can separate us.  What I wonder is if we can separate ourselves?  Mark 3 talks about blasphemy of the Holy Spirit as an unforgiveable sin, and there is a parable in Matthew 13 about the stages of belief that makes it sound as if it is possible to fall away from Christ, so I’m not sure about this one.  On one hand, I think it is conceivable that we might know Christ sincerely at a young age but then turn our backs on him so strongly as adults that we are no longer Christians.  On the other hand, I believe that if our faith was sincere, nothing would make us want to turn away from Christ.  So, I honestly do not know.  Maybe in 10 years I’ll have a viewpoint.

 

Conclusion – Finally!

I know this was a long one.  Kudos to you if you are still reading.  I do want to say in conclusion that I personally do not think it matters what side of the fence you land on – free will or Calvinism or somewhere in between.  We all believe that Christ died for our sins, and we all believe that it is through him alone that we are saved.  This is where I think we can achieve unity and why I’m entirely comfortable fellowshipping and worshiping with believers who don’t agree with me. 

 

But having unity doesn’t mean we shouldn’t think about our belief system.  It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t dig for our own answers or search scripture to see if our thoughts line up with it.  I think we should 100% do those things.  I also think it is outrageously important to know what our church believes about issues like these.  Right now, Andy and I are doing the church search in Winston, and one of our favorite churches is a church that believes in TULIP, but I adamantly believe in free will.  So, can we be comfortable joining that church?  Can we be comfortable sending Daniel to Sunday school and children’s programs where he may be taught that God elected some to go to heaven and by default others to go to hell?  I’m not sure.  Maybe. When Daniel is mature enough, I do want him to consider both sides of this coin and seek scripture for himself because I think there is good scripture on both sides.  I think it is possible I am misinterpreting Romans 9 and other scriptures, and the Calvinists have it right.  I’m only human, and it is more important to me that my son be thoughtful about his beliefs and be able to root them in scripture than he believe what I believe.  Maybe joining a church with opposite beliefs than mine would help him do that. But while he is young and much less mature, maybe it would hinder him.  So I have to decide how big of an issue it is for me.  And that is true with every issue where the doctrine of a church may not line up with what we believe making it read those "What We Believe" links on the websites!

 

Unity is important.  It is important for us as believers to be able to agree to disagree, but it is also important for us not to ignore the complexities of Christian belief, and it is important for us to know why we believe what we believe – as individuals and as a church. 

 

Links to Research:

You should know that most of this research supports Free Will, but I think it does a good job of giving credibility to Calvinism as well.  A google search would easily produce articles with a slant away from free will.

A Review of what Southern Baptists Believe in response to Calvinism:

http://www.nelsonprice.com/a-review-of-calvinism-and-southern-baptists/

A Review of TULIP with Arguments for Free Will – This one gives a ton of scripture on both sides.

http://www.astudyofdenominations.com/denominations/calvinism/#unconditional

Blogs from Raleigh pastor, JD Greer, on Calvinism.  I LOVE these articles.  They stress unity – he doesn’t really tell where he stands on the issue.

http://www.jdgreear.com/my_weblog/2014/09/dont-be-a-fundamentalist-calvinist-or-otherwise.html

http://www.jdgreear.com/my_weblog/2012/10/pastor-j-d-are-you-a-calvinist.html

 

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[1] Keep in mind that a Calvinist would cite this scripture to support election and say that only those God has elected will call – thus “everyone” refers to the elect.  Both sides can find ways to explain both scriptures.  It is important to consider both sides before reaching our own conclusions.

[2] If you want to have some fun on your own, do some research on the terms “Prevenient Grace,” “Justifying Grace,” and “Sanctifying Grace.”  They are ideas from John Wesley (so if you are Methodist, your church likely agrees with them).  I believe in these three types of grace.