On Losing My Grandmother

My grandmother died today.  I look at those words on this blank paper, and there seems like nothing else to say.  The day is cold and rain is beating against my bedroom window.  My body and mind feel exhausted.  What else is there to say?  Nothing…and yet, so much. 

 

I have been beyond blessed in my life to have only lost three people I love dearly, and each of them in God’s perfect timing with his handprint clearly visible.  I am thankful for this, but it doesn’t make each loss any easier.  I want to take this morning and this little blog and tell whoever is reading about my beautiful, special grandmother. 

 

My grandmother adored her family.  She was the glue that held everyone tightly together, and she was at her best when surrounded by all those she loved.  She had five children… in the course of six or seven years she told me.  I believe she would have had more if God had willed.  One of my favorite pictures of her is an old one my mom has where my grandmother and grandfather are standing on the beach surrounded by five small children.  I can’t imagine how crazy life was in her house for so many years, but she talked about motherhood like it was one of the great joys of her life.

 

Another joy in life was her grandchildren.  I love the time she took to invest in each of our lives.  My grandmother has eleven grandchildren, and she knows us all well.  She joined Facebook to keep up with our lives and see the pictures we were posting.  Once we all started to turn 20 or so, she began to get after us to get married and give her great-grandchildren.  I wish she had lived long enough to see more of us get married and have children.  She was the first person I was able to tell face to face that Andy and I were pregnant, and she and my Pop were the only ones outside our parents who knew for several months.  She was beyond excited, and she called me more than once to ask if I had told anyone else, so she could finally spill the beans.  The last conversation I had with her was when I called to tell her our sweet baby is a boy.  I am so glad for that memory, and I’m thankful that she knew he is coming.  My heart only breaks because I wanted her to know him, and I wanted him to feel the love I always felt from her.

 

In addition to family, my grandmother loved to travel – and she was always up for another adventure.  When Andy and I were deciding where to go on our honeymoon, she had been every place we suggested and gave input about each option we threw out.  She loved to see the world, and she loved to try new things.  Her health or age was never an excuse not to do something she wanted to do.  I remember once when she was visiting my parents, she drove with my mom for a quick trip to Greenville to see my house and help me decorate for Christmas.  She was 75 years old and her hips had begun to bother her during long car rides, but she still hopped in that car and made the 3.5 hour drive to my house.  When she got out of the car, she didn’t say one word about her aches and pains but instead started lugging in bags and boxes full of decorations she had bought to make my tree beautiful.

 

She had an artistic eye that made her an excellent decorator, but it also gave her some traits that were my favorites about her.  My grandmother had a true eye for style, and she never dressed like a typical grandma.  She wore cute outfits, fixed her hair, applied classy makeup, and had a ton of adorable shoes.  I remember that when I got married, she had a hard time finding a dress because she complained that everything looked “old lady,” and she even suggested wearing lime green at one point.  I’m glad she went with lavender instead, but I just love that she never seemed old.  She took up painting within the last ten years, and she pushed herself to take classes and read books and practice her new skills. The phrase, “I’m too old for that,” simply was not in her vocabulary.  She pushed through every ache and pain and health concern to find new ways to do what she wanted to do, and most recently she was even talking about learning Braille to compensate for her failing eyesight.

 

I adored my grandmother, and this morning before I heard she was gone, I was struggling with her inevitable passing and praying to God that he would have mercy on her and give her peace as he took her home to be with him.  I felt him respond with Romans 9:15, “I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion.”  I was struggling with what he meant in the context of our conversation when my mom called to tell me my grandmother was gone.  My mom was alone with my grandmother, and she described her passing as incredibly peaceful.  My mom said that she knew the Lord woke her to witness it.  She talked of a special moment she had with her mother before she knew with certainty that she was in heaven with our Lord, and immediately, I could see the mercy in God’s timing and provision.  God was merciful to allow my mom that moment with her mother.  My mom believes fully in God’s timing and his ways.  She trusts God more than most people I know, and I am so glad he rewarded that trust by allowing her to see him take my grandmother home.  I am also grateful that she could share the moment with me to give me peace that my grandmother’s faith in Jesus has now made her whole.  About 30 minutes after I spoke to my mom, my brother JT called, and he made the comment that my grandmother was never meant to be a caged bird.  He was referring to her declining health and spoke to God’s mercy in taking her home instead of allowing her to have the quality of life where she wasn’t able to do any of the activities she enjoyed.

 

It is hard to lose her.  I have no doubt that the next week or so will be exhausting, and I know from past experiences that more difficult moments await us in the following year, but I am thankful for the Lord.  I am thankful for his sovereignty and his mercy and his overwhelming love that will be our peace.  I am also thankful that my grandmother lives on in our family through her five children, eleven grandchildren, and one great-grandchild (and the second on the way!).  I know that my son will not have the opportunity to know her personally, but he will know my mom, and as I wrote this blog, I was reminded over and over how similar my mom is to my grandmother.  Not only does she look just like my grandmother, she also loves to be surrounded by family and never lets personal problems or complaints hinder her from doing what she loves.  My mom is cute and stylish and full of energy.  She pours out love on those around her, and I know Daniel will feel every bit as cherished by his grandmother as I have felt by mine.  I spoke with my brother, JT, and I think about his life and his love of adventure and travel and his “up for anything” attitude, and I see the markings of my grandmother all over him.  My grandmother might be gone, but she has left a beautiful legacy in the members of her family, and I am thankful for all she was to each of us.

My Family

I LOVE Christmas time.  It has finally hit me that the holiday is here, and this morning, I’m curled on my couch with a cup of hot coffee enjoying my first day of winter break from school.  My favorite thing about Christmas this year is that Andy and I will be able to spend it with my family.  It has been three years since I’ve spent Christmas Day with my family as we’ve been at my in-laws for the past two years.  Andy’s family is absolutely awesome – I could not ask for better in-laws – but there is something so special about spending big holidays with your own parents and siblings.

 

At work this week, there has been much talk about the holidays and where everyone is traveling over break.  It is the time of year where you tend to learn a great deal about other people’s families – their relationships, their traditions, their religious beliefs – and those conversations often reinforce how blessed I am to have the family I have.  As Andy and I start our own family, I am also thinking more about the dynamic I want to set for Daniel and the memories I want him to have from our household. 

 

I hope Daniel sees in Andy and me what I see in my parents every time I’m with them, and that is great, romantic love.  My parents are the cutest married couple I know, and anyone who has spent any length of time with them can tell you that.  They don’t have many friends.  They aren’t that couple who has a packed social calendar and goes out with a different group every weekend.  They are each other’s best friend.  They love spending time together, and they have several activities that they enjoying doing with one another.  When it comes to leisure time, it is rare to see my mom without my dad.  My dad makes corny jokes and my mom laughs at them like he is still her teenage crush.  I usually roll my eyes, but I can’t help also smiling at how much she adores him.  It isn’t abnormal to overhear him whistle or make an admiring comment when she comes in dressed to go out or to catch a glimpse of a little love note he has left on the dash of her car.  When my mom comes to Charlotte to spend the day shopping, she calls my dad at least three times “just to check in.”  They are so in love and so adorable.  I hope Daniel is able to see how much his dad and I love each other, too.  I hope he learns from us (and from his grandparents) not only to look for a wife who can be a good partner, but one who can be a great and joyful love.

 

I am also looking forward to seeing my brothers this week, and the fact that I am having a boy has made me wonder what qualities Daniel might inherit from his uncles.  Obviously, I want my boy to turn out like his daddy, who also happens to be my favorite man on earth, but I adore my brothers.   What I love most about my brothers is how different they are, and I am so thankful for the uniqueness of each of my relationships with them.  When we were both in high school, JT was one of my very best friends.  Unlike many men, JT is a fantastic conversationalist.  To this day, one of my favorite memories from that time in my life is the two of us hanging out in my room late at night just talking – about life, dating, our goals and dreams, the Lord.  JT has an awesome excitement for life that makes me love him.  As an example, when I sent out my ultrasound picture to my entire family, JT was the only one who responded with absolute enthusiasm (and three text messages) describing how he could see each of Daniel’s little features and then telling me that the picture had made his day.  I LOVE how he gets excited for other people and what is happening in their lives.  I love that when we talk on the phone, he always asks me how Daniel Thomas is doing, and the child isn’t even born yet.  In addition to his middle name, I hope Daniel inherits from JT this type of enthusiasm and love of life.  I hope he laughs a lot and dreams big and lives with a contagious energy and excitement – especially for his family!

 

My brother, Casey, and I didn’t become especially close until JT moved to Ethiopia for a couple of years.  Casey and I are almost four years apart in age, also, so I think it took some time before we had enough in common to build a relationship of our own.  Interestingly, he and I are the most alike.  Casey is conservative and studious.  He likes to read and learn, and he is insanely intelligent.  Ironically, one of the things I love most about Casey is that he is NOT easily excited.  All of the Vaughn clan can be high strung at times, but usually Casey is calm, rational, and methodical.  Casey is the brother I call when I need time processing a decision and talking out various possibilities.  Casey is willing to patiently analyze a problem from all sides and not rush to “fix it.”  From him, I hope Daniel learns not to rush into life.  I want my son to live with great joy, but I also want him to be cautious and wise in the decisions he makes.

 

As we celebrate Jesus’ birth this year, I can’t wait to spend the day with my parents, brothers, and sisters-in-law.  I am so thankful that we have close and loving relationships and that we have not experienced strife or brokenness with one another.  I am also thankful that the holidays are not a time of stress or anxiety for us, but just great joy at being together (something that distance makes a rare occurrence).  The Lord could not have blessed me more by putting these precious members into my life, and I can’t wait to introduce Daniel to each of these people – he is already so blessed to have pieces of them in himself.

I Knit You Together

I think it is finally time to share on the blog that Andy and I are expecting a baby boy in April!  I am a little over half way finished with this pregnancy journey, and it has been such an amazing experience.  When we found out we were expecting on an early Tuesday morning in August, I was shocked.  We had been wanting a baby, but I was fully confident that we were still not pregnant.  I almost couldn’t believe my eyes when the good news was confirmed.  I felt so overwhelmingly blessed.  I know that getting pregnant is not a given – it is honestly something we have no control over.  Sometimes everything works out the way we plan, and sometimes it doesn’t.  Unlike some hopeful moms, I was under no illusion that we would even be able to have biological children, and I had secretly researched adoption avenues.  Adoption is such a special way to create a family, and it is something we still may consider in the future, but I’m so thankful that God is allowing us to have a baby that represents little pieces of each of us.

 

I have been incredibly blessed in that I have been almost symptom free for the past several months.  I joke with my friends that God knew I didn’t have the luxury of bathroom breaks whenever I needed so he kept me from being sick or overly tired.  However, as a result of not “feeling” pregnant, it was hard to believe that a baby was actually coming.  Then, two weeks ago, we went for our first ultrasound.  The whole process took at least thirty minutes, but it felt like seconds.  I still can’t believe how amazing it was to see our baby kick his arms and legs, cover his eyes and ears with little hands, and squirm away from the technician’s touch.  She showed us his heart beating and all the chambers working, his liver, his lungs, his little brain.  Since finding out I’m pregnant, I have only gained about 6 pounds.  It was unbelievable that as small as I am, there was a full life inside of me.  I have barely even felt the baby move, but he has all his little organs and parts, and they are working exactly as they should.  Psalm 139:13-14 suddenly came alive for me.  It says, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”

 

We left the office with a picture of our baby in hand, and I texted it to our family and friends almost immediately.  It is even hanging on our refrigerator.  I look at his sweet face, and I already feel so in love with him.  When I was making the 30 minute drive to work last week, I found myself thinking about and praying for my little boy, and I felt God quickly respond, “He isn’t your little boy – he is mine.  I am trusting you to care for him.  I know him better and love him more than you do.”  It is interesting that every time I find myself thinking of him as mine, God always responds softly, “No, he is mine.”

 

We have chosen to name the baby Daniel after the Biblical character.  We picked that name because Daniel from the Bible was the most upstanding person we could imagine.  He was fully committed to God in every way.  Because he was one of the captives taken from Jerusalem, there is no mention of his parents.  From a young age – maybe even middle school – he had only the Lord as his refuge as he tried to adjust to his new life in Babylon under King Nebuchadnezzar.  His name even means “God is my judge.”  In his life, Daniel worried only about being accountable to the Lord God.

 

I want the same for Daniel Speight.  I want him to know the Lord as his God and find his direction and refuge in him, but I think I’m starting to see that I have to hold him with a loose grip if that is truly my desire.  Psalm 139:16 says, “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”  God already has great plans for Daniel.  Bigger plans than I could even conceive, and those plans may include him going to people or places that make me nervous.  When I think of his future, I imagine him going to college, getting a job, marrying a nice girl who fits in well with our family, having his own babies, and living close to his Mama!  But none of that may be God’s plan for his child.  Daniel is not mine.  He is the Lord’s.  God has trusted Andy and me greatly to put this sweet life in our hands, but he doesn’t really belong to us.  I don’t know if this is a sacrilegious comparison, but it reminds me a little bit of God giving Jesus to Mary and Joseph.  Jesus was God himself – the Father’s son – and he did not belong to Mary and Joseph.  No one even thinks of him belonging to them.  Jesus came to earth to fulfill a purpose which was to provide salvation for us all.  God simply put Jesus with earthly parents to provide and care for him as a child before he was ready to fulfill his role in the plan of redemption.  What an amazing honor Mary and Joseph were given – they had the opportunity to care for the God of the universe. 

 

I know it is not exactly the same.  Daniel is fully human.  He will make mistakes and mess up.  He has his own free will and ultimately he will have to decide whether to follow the Lord for himself or not, but what an honor God has given me to be his mother.  What a privilege it is to care for this little baby whom God loves and has purposely made in his image.  I think about teaching him about Jesus and how much he is loved by his Father in heaven and reading him the Bible, and it feels like the biggest most amazing job the Lord has ever given me.  I can’t believe that on earth, God allows us to care for his children.