On Losing My Grandmother

My grandmother died today.  I look at those words on this blank paper, and there seems like nothing else to say.  The day is cold and rain is beating against my bedroom window.  My body and mind feel exhausted.  What else is there to say?  Nothing…and yet, so much. 

 

I have been beyond blessed in my life to have only lost three people I love dearly, and each of them in God’s perfect timing with his handprint clearly visible.  I am thankful for this, but it doesn’t make each loss any easier.  I want to take this morning and this little blog and tell whoever is reading about my beautiful, special grandmother. 

 

My grandmother adored her family.  She was the glue that held everyone tightly together, and she was at her best when surrounded by all those she loved.  She had five children… in the course of six or seven years she told me.  I believe she would have had more if God had willed.  One of my favorite pictures of her is an old one my mom has where my grandmother and grandfather are standing on the beach surrounded by five small children.  I can’t imagine how crazy life was in her house for so many years, but she talked about motherhood like it was one of the great joys of her life.

 

Another joy in life was her grandchildren.  I love the time she took to invest in each of our lives.  My grandmother has eleven grandchildren, and she knows us all well.  She joined Facebook to keep up with our lives and see the pictures we were posting.  Once we all started to turn 20 or so, she began to get after us to get married and give her great-grandchildren.  I wish she had lived long enough to see more of us get married and have children.  She was the first person I was able to tell face to face that Andy and I were pregnant, and she and my Pop were the only ones outside our parents who knew for several months.  She was beyond excited, and she called me more than once to ask if I had told anyone else, so she could finally spill the beans.  The last conversation I had with her was when I called to tell her our sweet baby is a boy.  I am so glad for that memory, and I’m thankful that she knew he is coming.  My heart only breaks because I wanted her to know him, and I wanted him to feel the love I always felt from her.

 

In addition to family, my grandmother loved to travel – and she was always up for another adventure.  When Andy and I were deciding where to go on our honeymoon, she had been every place we suggested and gave input about each option we threw out.  She loved to see the world, and she loved to try new things.  Her health or age was never an excuse not to do something she wanted to do.  I remember once when she was visiting my parents, she drove with my mom for a quick trip to Greenville to see my house and help me decorate for Christmas.  She was 75 years old and her hips had begun to bother her during long car rides, but she still hopped in that car and made the 3.5 hour drive to my house.  When she got out of the car, she didn’t say one word about her aches and pains but instead started lugging in bags and boxes full of decorations she had bought to make my tree beautiful.

 

She had an artistic eye that made her an excellent decorator, but it also gave her some traits that were my favorites about her.  My grandmother had a true eye for style, and she never dressed like a typical grandma.  She wore cute outfits, fixed her hair, applied classy makeup, and had a ton of adorable shoes.  I remember that when I got married, she had a hard time finding a dress because she complained that everything looked “old lady,” and she even suggested wearing lime green at one point.  I’m glad she went with lavender instead, but I just love that she never seemed old.  She took up painting within the last ten years, and she pushed herself to take classes and read books and practice her new skills. The phrase, “I’m too old for that,” simply was not in her vocabulary.  She pushed through every ache and pain and health concern to find new ways to do what she wanted to do, and most recently she was even talking about learning Braille to compensate for her failing eyesight.

 

I adored my grandmother, and this morning before I heard she was gone, I was struggling with her inevitable passing and praying to God that he would have mercy on her and give her peace as he took her home to be with him.  I felt him respond with Romans 9:15, “I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion.”  I was struggling with what he meant in the context of our conversation when my mom called to tell me my grandmother was gone.  My mom was alone with my grandmother, and she described her passing as incredibly peaceful.  My mom said that she knew the Lord woke her to witness it.  She talked of a special moment she had with her mother before she knew with certainty that she was in heaven with our Lord, and immediately, I could see the mercy in God’s timing and provision.  God was merciful to allow my mom that moment with her mother.  My mom believes fully in God’s timing and his ways.  She trusts God more than most people I know, and I am so glad he rewarded that trust by allowing her to see him take my grandmother home.  I am also grateful that she could share the moment with me to give me peace that my grandmother’s faith in Jesus has now made her whole.  About 30 minutes after I spoke to my mom, my brother JT called, and he made the comment that my grandmother was never meant to be a caged bird.  He was referring to her declining health and spoke to God’s mercy in taking her home instead of allowing her to have the quality of life where she wasn’t able to do any of the activities she enjoyed.

 

It is hard to lose her.  I have no doubt that the next week or so will be exhausting, and I know from past experiences that more difficult moments await us in the following year, but I am thankful for the Lord.  I am thankful for his sovereignty and his mercy and his overwhelming love that will be our peace.  I am also thankful that my grandmother lives on in our family through her five children, eleven grandchildren, and one great-grandchild (and the second on the way!).  I know that my son will not have the opportunity to know her personally, but he will know my mom, and as I wrote this blog, I was reminded over and over how similar my mom is to my grandmother.  Not only does she look just like my grandmother, she also loves to be surrounded by family and never lets personal problems or complaints hinder her from doing what she loves.  My mom is cute and stylish and full of energy.  She pours out love on those around her, and I know Daniel will feel every bit as cherished by his grandmother as I have felt by mine.  I spoke with my brother, JT, and I think about his life and his love of adventure and travel and his “up for anything” attitude, and I see the markings of my grandmother all over him.  My grandmother might be gone, but she has left a beautiful legacy in the members of her family, and I am thankful for all she was to each of us.