Doesn't Work Well With Others

As a child, I was terribly shy.  I don’t remember having a friend at school until I was in the fifth grade.  When teachers completed my report cards, I bet they were never able to check the box that said “works well with others.”  By the time I made it to high school, I had several friends and was much more social, but I still preferred to work alone when it came to school projects and assignments.  I was never good at all the necessary parts of working with a group – coordinating work schedules, taking the ideas of others into consideration, compromising my vision. 

 

In college, I took the “doesn’t work well with others” trait to a new extreme when I took a 4 hour chemistry class.  Everyone was required to take 8 hours of science, and if you took this particular chemistry class, you could achieve your science requirement and only have to take one lab.  It was the only 4 hour science class on the books.  Seeing as how I hated labs (and the dreaded lab partner!) and liked chemistry, it was a perfect fit for my schedule.  On the first day of class, I found out that it was also a popular fit for all the football players on campus who also wanted to avoid taking four science classes and saw chemistry as the easy way out.  A room full of athletes would have been no problem for me if the professor had not also announced on the first day of class that all assignments would be completed in a pre-assigned group.  In his defense, he probably figured that four football players were better than one, and that the boys had a better chance of passing the class if they could work together on the four assignments that would, with the final exam, make up our grade for the class.  I saw the writing on the wall (and my grade sinking like a brick in the sea), and I quickly rounded my group of stinky, burly 19 year olds and told them I would do all four assignments if they would let me work alone.  I agreed to put their name on each paper, and everyone was happy.  We made an A in chemistry.   

 

I know my actions in that chemistry class were not ethical or right, and I’m sure my super honest husband is having a cow as he reads this blog, but doesn’t that story perfectly illustrate how bad I am at working with others?  I will say that with the development of professional learning communities and common planning, I am beginning to work very well with others professionally, but in my personal life, I still struggle greatly.

 

Recently, I was in a situation where I was working with a group to accomplish a common goal, and I saw every bad trait I have come boiling to the surface.  As a good, Southern girl, I put on a great big smile, did my assigned part, and only those closest to me (namely, my sweet husband) saw the ugliness.  My attitude promoted a discussion between us about why I reacted as I did and how I might change.  The conclusion was that the real issue I have with group work is that more often than not, I believe my way is right.  And heaven help if I’ve already accomplished the task at hand, then my attitude is, “I’ve done this all before, and I know the perfect way to handle it.”  Planning a baby shower?  Drop in, breakfast food, Saturday morning.  Planning a bridal shower?  A couple’s barbeque, Friday night, guests bring money for the honeymoon.  Teaching a standard class?  Structure, routine, relationship building. Planning a group vacation for friends?  Beach house, good food, a little shopping.  See, I bet you are stealing ideas already right?  I’m so PERFECT at this planning stuff!!  Oh wait, that is the pride coming through….

 

I don’t work well with others because of that little (ok, big) sliver of pride you see rearing its ugly head in that last paragraph.  And that sin spills over into individual relationships, too.  There are times when to be a good friend or wife or family member, I have to sacrifice my attitude of “I would never do it that way” (which also has the extreme connotation of “What a BAD idea!!”) for the good of the person and the good of the relationship.  Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”  I was reading that scripture this morning, and it occurred to me that in most of my areas of struggle, the possibility of living at peace with people IS completely possible and within my power, but I hold on to my pride, my idea of rights, and my selfishness over the relationship at hand.  Now, I was “raised right” as you might say, so most of the time the other person involved has no idea our relationship isn’t peaceful.  Take those generic situations that bring the “my way is the right way” beast into the picture: The mother-in-law wants to cook fish for Thanksgiving, and she is super excited about it; the church group wants to take camping retreat and the great outdoors is not my friend; the best friend picked out the ugliest bridesmaid dress I have ever seen.  In all of those scenarios (which have actually never happened to me, by the way – I can see the faces of my married friends as they wonder if their dress was the ugliest!!), I would take the “grin and bear it” route, but on the inside, I’d be resentful and annoyed. 

 

In the New Year, I want this one area of my life to change.  I WANT to feel peace in times when I go along with an action that is contrary to my own desires.  I want to be humble and loving and kind and gentle.  Romans 12 and William Barclay offer some very practical advice for achieving such a “renewed state of mind” (Romans 12:2).  Verse 10 says “Be devoted to one another in love.  Honor one another above yourselves.”  Barclay explains the verse by saying that “there is enough natural instinct in most of us to want others to recognize our rights; but Christians have no rights – they have only duties.”  My desire to do things my way is natural in the sinful condition in which I live, but it isn’t godly.  Andy made a similar point when he also told me, “You need to remember how much forgiveness and grace God has given you.  Who are you not to give that to others?”

 

Praise God that even though I am making such imperfect progress, he still speaks to me and quietly urges me to the right path.  Recently, I was reflecting on some of the ways I struggle with other people, and I kept hearing him say “Do not be overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:21).  I think this verse goes hand-in-hand with Ephesians 6:12, “Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”  When I struggle with other people, sometimes they may be purposely trying to make my day bad, but most of the time, they aren’t.  Most of the time they are like me and simply want things done their own way.  And regardless of their intentions (either good or bad), the individual using the situation to create anger and sin in my heart is Satan.  Satan knows my pride is a weakness, so anytime he sees a situation where things aren’t going my way, he is quick to whisper words in my ear, “You see what they are doing?  They have no respect for you.  They are so ungrateful and selfish.  You would never act that way.”  When I give consideration to those whispered thoughts, the result is more pride, more barriers, and less love.  Satan gets his way because he loves nothing more than to see lack of unity among believers.  Lack of unity waters down the gospel and makes all of us less effective for the Lord.

 

I don’t want to be this person anymore.  No one is more unhappy than me when I obsess about why my way is better.  Most of the time, no one even knows I am annoyed and obsessed because I do know how to be outwardly graceful.  This year, I want to be inwardly graceful but that change will only come with God’s power.  It comes by offering my body as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God (Romans 12:1).  It comes by not being conformed to the pattern of this world but being transformed by the renewing of my mind (Romans 12:2).  It comes by thinking about things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8).  It comes by considering others better than myself (Philippians 2:3).  It comes by remembering how much has been sacrificed for me and being willing to sacrifice for others.

 

In Philippians 2, Paul explains to the church why Timothy is superior to the other workers he has on hand.  He says in verses 20-21, “I have no one else like him, who will show genuine concern for your welfare.  For everyone else looks out for their own interests, not those of Jesus Christ.”  Isn’t it interesting how caring for the welfare of the church members was the same as looking after the interests of Jesus?  In 2013, I want to become a Timothy.  At the end of the year, I want someone who knows me well (hopefully my husband who sees it all!!) to say of me, “I know no one like Shannon.  Everyone else looks after their own interests, but she looks after the interests of Christ.”

The One I Reach for First

I really like Sugarland.  Ever since I caught a season of Duets, I have decided that Jennifer Nettles is possibly one of the nicest most down to earth people in the world – and she has a great voice.  One time I saw her perform with her band during the CMA’s, and I just couldn’t help but be riveted by their presence on stage.  And did anyone see her sing “O Holy Night” with John Legend??  Wow.

 

Today, I was having my ideal Saturday morning – cooking homemade soup in a quiet kitchen with Pandora playing in the background.  At one point, Sugarland’s “Fall into Me” began to fill the kitchen, and I started to hum along while I chopped and stirred.  I started to make me a little nostalgic for my wedding day, and I found myself wishing that Andy and I had used it for our first dance.  I listened to the lyrics a little more closely thinking about how they might apply to our relationship, and you know what I found?  I found conviction!  Those lyrics, though beautiful, don’t and shouldn’t fit our marriage.

 

Take this line for instance: “Fall into me.  My arms are open wide and you don’t have to say a word, ‘cause I already see that it’s hard and you’re scared and you’re tired and it hurts, and I wanna be the one you reach for first.”  At first it seems like such a nice sentiment – of course I want to be the person that Andy comes to when he is tired and scared and hurt.  Of course, I don’t want him running to anyone else to share his heartache.  But the more I listened to the song, I realized that I don’t want to be the one he reaches for first.  First, I want him to reach for the Lord – the only one who really understands how he feels and the only one who can give him the solutions and the type of comfort he needs.

 

Have you ever noticed that when we are tired and hurt and scared, the first person we run to is usually NOT the Lord?  It is no secret that adjusting to my new life and job in Charlotte has not been the easiest situation.  There have been fears and hurts and times when I felt exhausted, and I have been more than guilty of running to other people with those feelings over the Lord.  I am quick to pick up a phone and call a best friend or old coworker or my mom or Andy instead of taking my concerns and hurts to the Lord.  I do the same thing when I’m angry or frustrated.  You know what I’m discovering about those conversations?  Sometimes they are good and productive, but lots of times they aren’t.  Just this week, for example, I called my mom to vent a frustration, and after hanging up the phone my heart felt even more bitter! I thought that venting would help me move on, but it didn’t.  Instead, it made me angrier, and it spewed all my unhappiness on my mom and put a damper on her day, too.  If I had run to the Lord first and asked him to fill my heart with his peace and love and grace, I would have taken one more step toward being more godly, and I would have felt better. 

 

I think the same is true of hurts and disappointments and sadness.  There are times when I don’t even understand how I feel, so how could I expect Andy to understand?  The Sugarland song I heard this morning implies that the woman perfectly understands how her man feels and is perfectly able to meet his needs.  My experience has been that there are times when Andy does understand how I feel, and he is able to make me feel better, but the comfort he brings is only temporary.  The next day, we both go off to work, and my worries or struggles are still there.  Andy can’t meet all my needs.  He can’t be there whenever I need him, and I can’t expect him to understand how I feel all the time.  He can’t be the “one I reach for first.”  But Jesus can be the one I reach for first.  He is available anytime with perfect understanding and perfect peace.  He can quiet my fears and hurts, and he can give me the strength to respond to frustrations in a positive, graceful way. 

 

Before the song was over, I was able to listen to it and imagine it being sung from the Lord to us.  Listening to it that way put a wonderful, new spin on it.  You try it: “Fall into me.  My arms are open wide and you don’t have to say a word, ‘cause I already see that it’s hard and you’re scared and you’re tired and it hurts, and I wanna be the one you reach for first.”  Sounds a little like “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls,” doesn’t it (Matthew 11:28)?

The Unexpected

I love those education workshop leaders who say things like, “If you leave work exhausted at the end of the day, you are working harder than your kids.”  The implication is that you are a terrible teacher.  The implication is that a good teacher would have her children arranged into perfectly run learning centers where students simultaneously practiced critical thinking skills, peer tutoring, and creative thinking.  When they were not announcing brilliant comments and insights to their group members, these children would be working quietly in their seats and contemplating their unique role in the universe.  I am not that teacher.  At least not in Period X (dubbed X to protect the not-so-innocent).  In Period X, I do my best to keep my hair from turning grey by the moment; my kids from spewing profanity, hitting one another, or (popular this month) stealing each other’s hats; a pencil in everyone’s hand; and, oh yeah, teaching.  When my sweet babies leave Period X, I almost always give an exhausted sigh in the direction of my coteacher and ask, “What do we do about (insert student name here)???”

 

Today, before I left work, we had one of our everyday conversations about a child that we have continuously been unable to reach.  Erica, my coteacher, made the comment about this kid – we’ll call him Johnny – that I thought was right on target.  She said that Johnny is different than our other kids because he doesn’t respond to any of the tactics that normally work with the type of kid we teach.  You see, Johnny is representative of the group of kids who is always in trouble.  He is the type of kid that most teachers lack patience for.  He is probably used to being told he is doing things the wrong way, making bad grades, and being sent out of class.  Erica and I are both typically successful with these types of kids because we are patient and kind and encouraging.  Admittedly, we probably tolerate too much bad behavior in the classroom, but neither of us wants to be quick to send students out of the room.  We want them to have an education, and we want them to feel valued and special and cared for.  We want them to know that we aren’t giving up on them.  Usually, when we talk softly to kids and have patience with them and help them on assignments, they respond.  Johnny doesn’t.  I still don’t know what to do about Johnny.  But, our conversation today did make me think about our method and what made it so successful with most students.  I think we are successful because our response isn’t expected.

 

You see, some of our students are beat down so much during the day – maybe at home, maybe by other teachers, maybe by fellow peers, maybe by themselves. They come to our room expecting the same old same old.  They expect to fail.  They expect US to expect them to fail.  When their expectations of us don’t prove true, they respond.  They want to work for us.  They want to please us.  They want us to like them.  Now, I don’t want to paint a rosy, fake picture.  Their desire and their actions don’t always line up, but when Erica and I respond to their behaviors and attitudes with kindness and patience and encouragement, we defy their expectations and leave them unguarded.

 

The same is true in interactions with other adults.  I’m reading Lysa Terkeurst’s new book, Unglued, and I picked it up after school today.  In the chapter I read today, Lysa talks about how we should respond to other people when they are rude to us (perhaps God had seen my Period X today and thought I needed some encouragement!).  She writes that responding to rudeness with kindness and love is a way we can share Jesus with that difficult person.  Why does that behavior work?  Because it isn’t what people expect.  They expect us to be rude in return just like my students expect me to give up on them.  Sometimes, Lysa writes, the rough exterior a person shows is simply their attempt to protect themselves from what they expect in our response.  When we respond in contrast to their expectations, we break down their guardedness and share the Lord.

 

As I meditated on my earlier conversation with Erica and on Lysa’s words, it came to me that the ability to defy our expectations is what makes the gospel so glorious.  The amazing wonder of the gospel is that While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8)!  As humans, we are nothing.  We are hopeless and sinful and so far away from God it isn’t funny.  We are unredeemable…expect by the blood of Jesus.  The amazing thing about the gospel is that we never could have expected that anyone would want to die for us – much less the God of the universe – but He did.  One of the first verses I ever memorized was Ephesians 2:8-9 which says, “For by grace are we saved, through faith, and that not of yourselves – it is a gift of God - not of works lest any man should boast.”  How beautiful, right?  We are not saved out of anything we did, so we can’t boast.  We have nothing to brag about.  How unexpected that gift of grace. 

 

I love new Christians because they are still experiencing the unexpected.  New Christians still have that awesome wonder in their eyes and attitudes.  That incredulous question of, “He died for ME?  He wants ME?”  If we have let that feeling wear off, we have allowed the unexpected greatness of the gospel to disappear.  Maybe Christmas is a time to reclaim the understanding that the amazing thing about grace is how unexpected it is and how undeserving we are.  And perhaps, Christmas is also the time to surprise other people – that difficult little Johnny on the forth row who presses all your buttons, that grumpy clerk at the grocery store who sighs deeply when you ask for paper bags, that little red car that cuts you off in traffic.  Maybe now is the time to give them what the gospel gave us – unexpected love, undeserved kindness, unexplainable generosity. 

Good Morning, Holy Spirit!

Andy and I were watching a movie last night and the character said, “You’re always looking to the next thing.  You think, when I get married, or when we have kids, or when the kids grow up and leave home and it’s just us again, then things will be different.”    Her basic point was that she kept having hope for her relationship with her husband to change thinking that a new stage of life would bring improvement, but she was continuously disappointed. 

 

You know, I think Christians are the same way – or at least the Christian writing this blog is the same!  Lately, at least, I feel like I am always looking for happiness and waiting on it to show up.  I do some looking forward, “When we have a new house (one without roaches and a nicer bathroom)” or “When I’ve finally made friends in this town” or “When I’ve figured out how to effectively manage teaching an increased number of students.”  And I also do some looking back (ok, A LOT of looking back): “If only Kristy, Amy, and Alycia taught at my new school,” “If only Emily or Rebecca or Ashley or Sara or Marianne lived here,” or “If only I was still living in my old house.”  You know where my focus is in ALL of those thoughts?  Myself.  The absolute WRONG place for a focus to be.

 

In my Bible Study this week, our leader (whom I already greatly admire) said, “Every morning I wake up and I say, ‘Good morning, Holy Spirit.  Who do you want me to serve today?’”  She followed her comment by saying that before her feet hit the floor in the morning, the Holy Spirit puts people in her mind that need her attention and care.  From the time she wakes up, she makes other people and their needs her focus.  And she shared several stories about how the timing of her service to others resulted in amazing miracles for the glory of God. 

 

You know what I think I’m learning lately, and why I think her approach is perfect?

 

1. We aren’t made to be completely happy on earth.  2 Corinthians 5:1-5 compares earth to a tent that we live in for now and that we groan and long for our heavenly home.  Verse 5 says God made us feel this way so we will feel the promise of what is to come.  One day this week, it hit me that I’ll probably never live in the same place as some of my best friends again.  Andy doesn’t have a job that is flexible in terms of where we live, and I have friends who will likely spend the rest of their lives in eastern North Carolina.  The realization makes me long for heaven when we’ll finally all be in the same place again!

 

2. We are made to serve.  Isaiah 58:6-8 is too beautiful not to quote in this post.  It says, “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of  injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?  Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter – when you see the naked to clothe them, and not to turn away from you own flesh and blood?  Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.”  God has asked us to bring healing and comfort to those in need so that he can bless us.  Verse 9 goes on to say that after we do all of these things when we call for help from the Lord he will answer us.  After we have answered the needs of others, he will answer our own needs.

 

I’m also learning that I have it pretty good.  My church has been doing a series on social justice, and I’m also in a Bible Study with women who are really open about their own struggles.  Hearing the problems other people deal with on a regular basis makes me so thankful that, for now, God has blessed me with a loving husband, family, and friends.  He has given me a good job and a comfortable living situation and the freedom to practice my faith without persecution.  Life on earth was never designed to be perfect, and my expectations are way off if I look for it to be all the things I desire it to be – I won’t find that kind of home until I go to heaven.

 

For now, it is my job to wake up in the morning and say, “Good Morning, Holy Spirit.  Who do you want me to serve today?”

Tied to a Tree: Incrediable Generosity

Yesterday, I helped tie my assistant principal to a tree.  I bought several rolls of duct tape, wrapped the man in garbage bags to protect his clothes, and then made him stand against the tree while I collected money from kids who paid to wrap him in tape.  It was fantastic.  And, yes, I still have a job today.  You see, it was all in fun and for a good cause.  My AP, who deserves the “Principal of the Month” award for his willingness to endure public humiliation, had volunteered to accept this punishment if we could get the student body to raise a certain amount of money towards our canned food drive.  The money we collected yesterday also went towards the cause.  The food we buy will be donated to a local food bank and will help feed the needy over Thanksgiving and Christmas.

 

My students knew about the food drive better than anyone one at school as I have been in charge of this six week event.  Whenever they finished working on an assignment, I often had a duty waiting – cut up flyers to be distributed at the football game, count the money collected during lunch, unload cardboard boxes that had been delivered for collection, ect.  They have been great sports about the whole process and awesome helpers.  When I came in to their class after lunch holding the jar of money we had collected from tying our principal to the tree, they were as excited as I was.  One of the kids agreed to count the money while listening to my short review of the previous day’s lesson, and as I walked up the aisle with the jar to give it to him, another kid tried to stick a dollar in it.  I was so surprised (primarily by the fact that this 13 year old kid was trying to put money in and not take money out of an overflowing jar), and I stopped him.  “You know you don’t get anything for putting money in at this point, right?” I asked wondering if he thought putting in a dollar would allow him to go back outside to add more tape to our poor AP.  “Yeah,” he replied with a look of confusion.  “So why are you putting in money?” I responded.  “I just want to help,” was his answer.  I was floored.  I have never seen high school kids who wanted to help just because, and I couldn’t help praising him.  As soon as he donated, a chain reaction started and these kids started pulling money from book bags and pocketbooks and continued to throw in their own change.  It was amazing.

 

Last night, as I lay awake in bed (ironically due to the stress of coordinating said food drive WHILE organizing National Honor Society inductions), I thought about my precious students donating to a good cause out of a sincere desire to help the poor and needy in our community.  I wondered at their generosity, and I couldn’t help but imagine that the ease with which they were giving was related, even in part, to the fact that the money was not their own.  You see, in this class, I’d guess that very few (if any) students work to make money for their families.  I’m not saying that they all come from wealthy homes, but it does seem like a group of kids who mostly have a sense of security that their needs will be met.  They trust that their parents will provide for them, and they are likely not being asked to contribute to the household finances.  I’d also make the guess that for most of them, the money they have comes directly from their parents in the form of an allowance.  By contrast, I have other students who don’t know who will provide for their needs, who work to help keep a roof over their own heads, and who would have a much harder time giving a dollar to help others knowing that it could just as easily provide for their own needs.  They lack a sense of security that makes it easy for them to be generous.

 

Thinking about the two types of givers, made me question what type of giver I am.  Andy and I are fortunate to both have jobs and earn enough money to live the lifestyle we want.  We certainly aren’t wealthy, but we are secure.  However, as an adult, I also know that I am responsible for meeting my own needs.  When I give, I often consider whether I will need the money I’m giving or if I can handle living without it.  I think of it in terms of my money – after all, put in 50+ hours of work a week to earn it, right?  Wrong. 

 

It is God’s Money

Psalms 26:1 – “The earth and everything in it belongs to the Lord.” 

“My” money is on this earth, and that makes it belong to God.  It is his money.  He helped me get the job and gave me the abilities to keep it. He deemed me worthy of being a steward of what belongs only to him.  Just as my students earn their money from an allowance given by their parents, my Father in heaven provides financially for me.

 

God Will Meet My Needs

1 Philipiaans 4:19 – “And my God will meet all you needs according to his glorious riches in Christ.”

Just as my students feel secure that their parents will meet their needs, I should feel confident that my Father will meet my needs.  I shouldn’t be afraid to give generously because I can trust that he will provide for me.  I don’t say that to mean that I shouldn’t give in wisdom.  My Bible study leader pointed out this week that giving generously doesn’t mean being unwise.  God gave us money so we could help other people, but he also gave us money as a way to provide for our needs.  I do believe all that, but my weakness with generosity is wanting to save everything “just in case.”  I’m not the kind of person who doesn’t give because I want to live luxuriously or spend, spend, spend.  I want to save all our “extra” in case Andy loses his job or in case we have a medical emergency or in case our 10 year old cars break down.  Lately, I’m feeling convicted that instead of being so desperate to save all our surplus, Andy and I should prayerfully designate funds for regular giving above our tithe.  In doing so, we will demonstrate trust that God will provide for our “just in case” episodes if and when our emergency fund doesn’t.

 

Giving is Expected

James 1:27: “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”

My church is going through a series on social justice right now that is outstanding and eye opening. You should check it out here.  The series, which is also discussed in our small groups, has shown me that verses about giving – especially to the poor and needy – are ALL OVER the Bible.  What struck me about the verses is that they are not conditional.  It doesn’t seem to matter to God why people are poor and needy just that they are, and because they are, we who have more should provide for them.  He calls our generosity and willingness to provide pure and faultless religion.  The students in my room likely gave from hearts that had been conditioned to give.  Their parents probably raised them to care for the needy in our community, and through the IB program, we have talked a lot about serving where we are needed.  Like them, I have a Father who has “raised” me to give.  As a Christian, adopted into his household by faith, I should have a heart that reflects his heart, and his heart is made to care for those in need (Psalm 10:16-18).

 

Next Steps

It isn’t often that I feel able to end a blog with “next steps.”  So many times when I write, I’m just then learning the concept I illustrate.  God helps me process what he is saying to me while I write.  However, the topic of generosity is one that Andy and I have been mulling over for a few months now, and we have some “next steps” designated for ourselves.  I’m going to include them just in case they could help you.

 

Step 1: Tithe. 

A tithe is typically considered a 10% of our income (see Numbers 18:26, Genesis 28:22, Hebrews 7:2-6).  It is given to support the local church (in Biblical times it was used to provide for the priests).  If you are not tithing, you are robbing God of what belongs to him (see Malachi 3:8-12). 

 

Step 2: Trust God in your giving.

I love the verses listed above in Malachi because they call us to trust God to the point of testing him.  He tell us that if we will trust him with our tithe (even if we think we can’t afford it), he will lavish blessings upon us.  Last month, our pastor indicated that it is the only part of the Bible where God challenges us to test him.  He is serious about our giving to him what already belongs to him. 

 

Step 3: Use wisdom.

From my previous posts, you know I value wisdom.  I don’t think you should make any decisions without being prayerful and wise.  Part of giving wisely is being aware and organized with your own finances.  Andy and I keep a detailed budget to track our spending and record our expenses.  When we have talked about giving above our tithe, we usually have had the conversation with our budget in front of us.  We know we can and should give above our tithe, but we don’t think it wise to give more than we make, for example, or designate giving to the point that we can’t buy groceries or can’t pay rent.

 

Step 4: Prayerfully designate an amount and place to give.

For us, we have decided that our next step after consulting our budget and praying together will be to seek to follow the Lord with an amount of money we’d like to give above our tithe each month and where that money should go.  This is where some knowledge of yourself could come in handy.  Andy and I are routine, ordered people.  We will be more consistent in our giving if we give on a regular basis to organizations or people we have already prayed about and felt led to help.  Maybe you are more spontaneous and you want to be free to help the person you see on the side of the street or the coworker whose husband just his job.  In that case, it may be wise for you to organize a fund to which you contribute each month and when you decide to give, you will be able to access that fund.  Maybe your monthly income is sporadic.  If that is you, designating a monthly amount may not be wise, but designating places you’d like to give when you have extra income could be helpful.

 

Step 5: Be cheerful and have fun!

I love the verse that says, “God loves a cheerful giver.”  The kids in my classroom yesterday and I had so much fun contributing to the jar of money that would be used to buy canned food items, and we’ve had an equally good time watching the cans gradually take over my classroom.  It is fun to imagine how those items will bring joy to so many families over the holidays.  When you give, give with a good attitude as that shows just as much about your relationship with Jesus as the money you give.  And you never know, one day your generosity might allow you to tie your boss to a tree and what could be more fun than that!

Like Minded

I always crack up when I hear girls say, “I refuse to be friends with women because they are too much drama.  All my friends are guys.”  I love this little quip because it assumes that this particular woman thinks she is different than all the other women in the world.  She thinks other women are emotional and passionate and opinionated, but she herself is calm, coolheaded, collected and logical.  My guess is that she just hasn’t been able to figure out how to do healthy relationships with other women – how to keep herself calm, coolheaded, logical, and collected when she is with them.  Instead of figuring out healthy relationships, she’d rather just surround herself with members of the opposite sex, which is a fair outlet when she is in high school or college but becomes problematic when she enters the stage of life where women congregate in the kitchen and men are outside by the grill.  Having lots of close girlfriends myself (and having grown up with two brothers and no sisters), I understand how difficult it is to navigate the waters of female relationships – and honestly, I think I have even more insight into the difficulty as I watch my husband try to understand and be friends with me!

 

Women are a complicated breed. Our emotions are our opinions.  What we think is so closely connected to what we feel that there is no separating it.  In my life, having my feelings and emotions tied so closely to my opinions makes it very difficult for me to put my thoughts into perspective.  Everything I think seems much more important than it actually is because I have an emotion tied to the decision.  For example, I think my house should be clean.  This is an opinion.  But it is also an opinion that is wrapped up in a lot of emotion.  If my house is clean, I feel calm and in control and happy.  I feel like a respectable, responsible person when I have a clean house.  If my house is cluttered or dirty, I feel like my whole life is out of control.  I feel like a big fat failure.  I feel irresponsible and off center.  Before I know it, I’m standing in a dirty house and having an emotional breakdown, and my husband is asking, “This is about the house?!”  In fact, if I have any male readers, at this point you are saying to yourself, “This girl is crazy!”  And my female readers are saying, “I know EXACTLY what you’re saying!” 

 

I know you are wondering about how all of this is related to the Bible, but I promise it is.  You see, I came across these two verses today in Philippians 4:2-3, “I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to be of the same mind in the Lord.  Yes, and I ask you, my true companion, help these women since they have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel.”  I’ve read the Bible through a couple of times, and I’ve spent a lot of time in Philippians.  I bet I’ve read those verses dozens of times, and I always just skim right over them.  But today, they stood out to me.  Here Paul is asking two women to be of the same mind.  Obviously these are women who both loved the Lord and had served the Lord alongside Paul, but now they had had a falling out.  They didn’t share the same mind.  There was some drama going on.  It is probably easy to be critical of these women, but what woman doesn’t know what it is like to vehemently disagree with another person?  What woman has not experienced that passionate feeling that their opinion was right, and if they had to change it, their world might change?  Kind of like my feelings in my previous post, right?  Whether they want to admit it to themselves or not, every woman has been in a place where a disagreement with another woman was a big deal because of every emotion that was tied up in those differing points of view.  Feelings had probably been hurt and giving in would not only mean changing her opinion it would also mean saying that what the other person had done or said to her was ok.  See what I mean?  Emotions all tied up in the logic.

 

Added to the mix is that it doesn’t seem that Paul thinks either of the women are clearly in the wrong.  He pleads with both of them equally.  He asks the church to support both women.  He doesn’t mention that one has walked away from the faith and should be called back.  What do you think these women disagreed about?  Whether to send their kids to public or private school?  Whether to vote for Obama or Romney?  Whether it was ok to drink caffeine while being pregnant?  Whether women should work outside the home?  Whether it was ok to spank their kids?  Whatever it was, it probably felt like a really big deal, and goodness knows, we’ve all been there. 

 

I looked up “like mind” in the Greek dictionary, and the Greek translation includes the words wisdom, modesty, and harmony.  It implies agreement or a wisdom to know when to keep your opinions to yourself (or at least that is my interpretation!).  I think what Paul was trying to tell these women – and the entire church (notice verses 2:1-4) – was that their shared belief in Christ was more important than any differing opinions they might have, and that they should keep their similarities in focus when having disagreements. 

 

Philippians 3:15-16 says, “All of us, then, who are mature should take such a view of things.  And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you.  Only let us live up to what we have already attained.”  In this scripture, Paul is allowing for disagreements.  In my group of friends, one place where we all seriously disagree with one another is on how we spend and save money.  We are all responsible with our money, but we all have different ways of structuring our budgets.  Some of us really value quality time with our loved ones, so we put money into plane tickets and trips.  Some of us value sports, so we put money into season tickets and trips to see games.  Some of us value saving for the future so that our money can be used later to send our kids to college or buy a bigger house.  There have been points in our friendship when the way we spend our money has caused stress and discord, but ultimately we were able to realize that we were all right.  We all tithe, we all give, and we all use our money as our convictions lead.  We all have a desire to honor God with how we spend our money and our time, and that belief in the Lord and bringing him glory should trump our differing opinions on something as small as how we spend our money. 

 

So back to those girls who just can’t do friendships with other girls, I think some wisdom might be needed.  First, I’d tell them to pick friends with whom they already share a core belief in Jesus Christ.  I’m a big huge fan of being friends with non Christians, but the people in my inner circle are people with whom I share faith.  It is hard to keep opinions in perspective if there is nothing to give us a united viewpoint.  In Christian relationships, Jesus is the lens through which we should see everything – including our disagreements.  When we “live up to what we have already attained” we are showing the world that God is big enough to cover all our differences, that through him, we are united in love.  Secondly, I’d tell them to do their part to remember that no matter how passionately they believe what they believe and no matter how vehemently their girlfriend believes the opposite, it isn’t worth arguing about, and it certainly isn’t worth losing a friendship over.  If we remember that we both serve and love the same Lord, we will see that our similarities more than out weigh our differences, and the emotional love for our Savior that we share will outshine all the other nagging feelings we have when we look solely at our disagreement.

Biblical Submission

 

So….a few weeks ago I had my first lesson on Biblical submission, and let me tell you, it sure wasn’t easy.  On the flip side, though, it taught me a lot about Andy and more about God, and in the end, I’m thankful for this opportunity to grow in the Lord and in my marriage.

 

My lesson came in the middle of preparing documents for a house closing.  For the record, I am definitely praising Jesus that this house is selling, but I don’t believe any other single event has taught me more about how far I have to go towards being the Christian God has called me to be.  On the positive side: the amount of blogging material I’ve gotten out of this ordeal!!

 

The story is long, but the short of it is that it was 8:30 pm on a Wednesday night, which in the Speight household is late at night.  Andy and I were both exhausted and stressed, but we still had a long list “to dos” related to selling my house.  In addition, both of us had activities that we had scheduled for that night and really wanted to be doing instead.  I had a Bible study meeting that I’d been forced to skip in order to be free to sign documents with a notary, and he had an intermural game at 9:30 for a team he coached.  Instead of doing what we wanted to do, we were sitting at the kitchen table trying to make a decision about how to handle a specific issue and disagreeing on the method.

 

As I sat listening to his point of view, I can’t describe the conflicting emotions pulling around inside me.  I have always believed in Biblical submission.  I’ve talked about it for years in various Bible studies.  I know that some women really struggle with the concept, but my mom could not have been a better role model in that area of her walk with Christ and relationship with my dad, so I know deeply that submission does not equal weakness.  I believe passionately that God created men to be the leaders in the family and that God made no mistake when he included Ephesians 5:22 and Colossians 3:18 in scripture. I believe he created wives to be helpers, and Andy and I have had several conversations about what that behavior can look like in our marriage.  In fact, during our kitchen table conversation, I could vividly hear a myself saying (only a few months ago), “Andy, you’ll have to hold me accountable to support your leadership in our home because I’m stubborn, and I am used to doing things my way, but regardless of how I act, I truly want to help you be the leader in our family.” 

 

I’m not a crier, but in overwhelming emotional situations, I give in.  Hearing my own voice (or God’s??) remind me that I wanted to support Andy’s leadership in our home, but faced with the reality that supporting his leadership would mean making a decision directly opposite to what I wanted, pushed me straight to tears.  I was frustrated with Andy and frustrated with the knowledge that not supporting him would directly oppose everything I’ve said I believe about marriage.  To make matters worse, my husband was being the most Godly example of Christian love he could be.  You should know that Andy hates conflict and is inclined to do all in his power to avoid it, and left to his own devices, he would allow me to have my way every time in our marriage.  I know that being the leader in our family isn’t easy for him and is something that he is praying God will help him do, so watching him calmly and lovingly stand his ground on the issue before us did not help my inner turmoil.  On the one hand, I had to admire his strength, and I was proud of him for making a decision that was clearly thoughtful and wise.  On the other hand, I still wanted my way!  In the end, I agreed to follow his leadership mostly because I knew I couldn’t keep preaching submission if I was willing to practice it.

 

This is the part where you are expecting me to say how wonderful I felt immediately after agreeing with him, aren’t you?  I wish I could, but honestly, that wonderful, peaceful feeling didn’t come.  Instead, I only felt mentally and physically exhausted.  That night as we went to bed, I couldn’t help crying again and telling Andy how frustrated I was with myself.  I knew that I had made a godly decision in following his leadership, and in the most rational part of my brain, I even knew that his decision was probably a better course of action than mine would have been, BUT I still wanted my way.  To add insult to injury, my less than loving feelings in the matter made me feel only worse about myself!  What kind of Christian was I if I couldn’t lovingly and gracefully and peacefully follow my husband’s leadership?  What did it say about my walk with the Lord?  I couldn’t help hearing 1 Peter 3:3-5 playing in my head like a broken record.  It says, “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes.  Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.  For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves.  They submitted themselves to their own husband.”  Let me tell you, I wasn’t feeling very beautiful.

 

I tossed and turned most of the night, and finally got up around 5:15.  Did I mention I have put my quiet time back in the mornings?  There is no other way for me.  So, I groggly dragged myself to meet with the Lord and laid the situation right at his feet.  He brought me immediately to Philippians 3 and spoke to me about several situations in my life, but especially my battle with submission.  He showed me Philippians 3:8 which says, “What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things.  I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ.”  Then the Lord spoke quietly to my soul that submitting to Andy has nothing to do with Andy and everything to do with the Lord. 

 

You see, I didn’t want to submit to Andy because I was prideful and arrogant believing my way was best.  He was asking me to take a course of action that was contrary to my personality, and I felt like I was sacrificing some kind of core belief about who I am to follow his lead.  But you know what?  The verses I read showed me that I do the same thing when I try to follow the Lord.  I will willingly put myself under the Lord’s leadership when it works for me, when we are on the same page so to speak, but when he asks me to walk away from sinful indulgences, I balk.  I resist out of fear of letting go of what I love or losing part of who I think I am.  You want to know the truth?  I am nothing without Christ.  Whatever I am finding my significance in (job, friends, family, spouse, personality), it is all garbage compared to knowing Christ.  That is easy to say but hard to live.

 

Right now, I think God is calling me to sacrifice myself so that he can use me.  When I try to pridefully hold on to the things that I think give me significance, I am useless.  I am fighting against the Lord and pulling against his leadership, and we can’t move forward that way.  He can use me up to a point, but when one hand is holding tight to my own desires, I am not free to work as he has planned. The same is true in my marriage.  I can fight against Andy’s leadership, but in doing so, I am not allowing us to be the testimony of Christ’s love that marriage was designed to be.  Andy and I have made it a regular prayer from the time that we were engaged that our marriage would be a testimony to Christ’s love and grace.  We know as sinners we won’t do that perfectly, but we’ll have no chance at it if I don’t do my part to be the picture of how the church should respond to Christ’s loving leadership.  And that submissive position of my heart doesn’t start with my relationship with Andy.  It starts with my relationship to Jesus and my willingness submit to his will first

Identity Crisis

My students ALWAYS “have” to leave the classroom.  These are some of the excuses I heard this week:

“I HAVE to go to the bathroom, or I swear I’m going to pee on the floor.”

“I HAVE to go see Mrs. So-and-so because she has a letter that I HAVE to take home to my mom today.”

“I HAVE to go to the office to call my dad and tell him I don’t have practice today.”

“I HAVE to go get water, my throat is sooooo dry.” – said while holding neck.

“I HAVE to go get a wet paper towel because I got punched in the eye in gym – look at it.” – said while pulling down the lower lid of the eye to reveal an eyeball that looks perfectly fine to me.

 

And all of these things HAVE to be done RIGHT NOW!  I have to admit that I am not the teacher that lets my students roam the hallway.  Call your dad about practice?  No, text him right now.  Pee on the floor?  Yeah right, but ok give me a bathroom pass.  Throat so dry?  I feel your pain - so is mine.  Punched in the eye?  It looks fine to me.  Mrs. So-and-so?  No way am I letting you interrupt her class. 

 

Though I have few students leaving the room, I do occasionally let them go do what they “have” to do – like Mr. Pee on the Floor who used one of his two quarterly bathroom passes.  When they leave the room, I follow the school procedures and sign a pass for them to be in the hallway.  The process at MPHS is the same as the one I used at FCHS, so when kids bring me their planner to initial, it comes as second nature to do what I’ve done for five years and quickly scribble “SV.”  I have not signed a planner correctly all year. 

 

This perceived identity crisis doesn’t only come with scribbling my initials.  I still can’t get used to the kids calling me “Mrs. Speight,” and when one accidentally called me “Ms. Vaughn” a few weeks ago (because that is the name he had seen on his summer schedule), I didn’t blink an eye and probably wouldn’t have noticed had he not turned red and apologized.  I can also count at least 3 times in the past two weeks that I have either introduced myself as “Shannon Vaughn” or stopped just short of “Vaughn” to stutter “Speight” instead. 

 

I had a friend who after she got married, would actively correct anyone who called her by her maiden name.  I relish in it.  When an old student sends me a message addressed, “Ms. Vaughn,” my heart smiles.  It is hard to let go of Vaughn.  And don’t even get me started on seeing “Vaughn” attached to the names of my future sister-in-laws!! It makes me feel almost as if something is being stolen from me as irrational and hilarious as that sounds.

 

Every time I work to get used to my new name, I think of the verses in Ephesians 22-24 that says, “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires, to be made new in the attitude of your minds, and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” 

 

The verses sound so pretty and perfect.  You decide to follow Christ and you are immediately a new creature following a new way of life.  Interestingly, God sometimes changed the names of people to reflect their commitment to him.  Think of Saul who became Paul at his conversion or Simon who became Peter when he professed that Jesus was the Messiah, the Son of God.  However, neither of these men was made perfect at his conversion.  Peter denied Jesus at the cross, and Paul says in Romans 7:18, “For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.”

 

I was approximately 5 years old when I became a Christian.  I don’t remember having a “former” way of life.  The only life I really remember is the life I have in Christ, so I don’t remember a radical change and a big struggle associated with it.  Since becoming married, though, I think I have a better understanding of what it means to have a sinful nature living in me.

 

You see, I often feel a draw to be “Shannon Vaughn” again, and when I’m not actively reminding myself that my last name has changed, I am “Shannon Vaughn” to the new people I meet or to the student planners I sign.  I was laughing with my mom about this struggle, and she told me that she has been married so long that she can’t imagine introducing herself as “Chris Coggins” – her maiden name.  Her comment reminded how a relationship with Christ will impact our sinful natures.  We are all going to struggle with the things we struggled with before we were made new in Christ, and because we were born into sin, we all have those temptations regardless of what age we became a Christian.  I feel pulled to gossip, be prideful, be judgmental, be unloving, and a host of other sins.  But, the longer I am “married” to Christ, the longer I remain in him and the deeper our relationship, the less and less I will struggle with my sinful nature.  I will begin to see myself as a “new person” in him and my “old person” will fade away more and more.

 

You know something else, though, that I am also realizing?  Becoming new takes practice and self control.  I won’t start signing student planers appropriately until I stop working on autopilot and actively practice “SS” every time one is placed in my hands.  I won’t stop introducing myself as “Shannon Vaughn” until I’ve had a lot of experiencing introducing myself as “Shannon Speight.”  Habits don’t become habits until they are well practiced, and once well practiced they are hard to break (or replace!).  The same is true with overcoming sin.  Because of my sinful nature and habits, I am naturally pulled to gossip, for example.  I won’t break that habit until I’ve practiced not gossiping, and the only way to practice is to encounter a situation when I’d be pulled to gossip and restrain myself.  I think God allows temptations because he wants us to grow stronger and develop new habits to become a “new self.”  As such, temptations shouldn’t be viewed as stumbling blocks but as opportunities for growth.  We should be thankful for them.  We should adopt the mindset of James, Jesus’s brother, who says, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:2-4).

 

I look forward to the day that I have been with Andy so long and love him so much that I can’t imagine myself as anyone other than “Shannon Speight,” but more than that I can’t wait for the day that I have been with Jesus so long and love him so much that I can’t imagine returning to the call of my sinful nature.

What a Girl Wants

I won’t lie; my dating life was something of a train wreck.  I never was able to make a relationship last more than about six weeks. I am the one with all kinds of funny first date stories – the football game date with a guy who talked about marriage for the first 30 minutes, the blind set-up potluck date where I brought a pound cake packed with butter and Crisco to eat with my health freak vegetarian date, the one with the old college crush who showed up 45 minutes LATE!!  My dating life is packed with colorful stories and short lived relationships – mostly because either I or my guy made up our minds about each other very quickly, and we were never on the same page!  Given all that craziness, I don’t know why I think I have something to say about dating, but I DO!  My dating life might be full of colorful stories and random adventures, but in spite of all of that, I think the Lord did give me some insight on how to date wisely. 

 

So….let me begin my list of tips. 

 

1. Date prayerfully.  Ephesians 6:18 says “And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.”  Who to date is a HUGE decision, and it shouldn’t be taken casually.  Scripture says you should pray about everything.  I think dating falls under the category of “everything” – anyone with me?  You are considering putting another person in a very influential spot in your life.  I don’t believe in casual dating one bit.  Dating is a serious decision and should be treated as such.  I pray about finding my lost car keys!  Why would I not ask God to give me direction about who to date?  Pray and seek God’s will.  Then make sure you are listening for his voice and not your own. 

 

2. Be prepared to hear God.  I have to warn you that when you pray about who to date, you might get an answer you don’t like.  In high school, once I started seeking God for who to date (around January of my 9^th grade year), I didn’t have a single boyfriend.  I did have opportunities for boyfriends, and I had several boys that I prayed about specifically (and even begged God to let me date), but I never felt peace about dating them.  God never granted me permission, so I didn’t have boyfriends until college – and even those were few and far between.  I know that sounds like a nail in the coffin for high school readers, but let me encourage you that high school is a great time to grow in your faith and dig deep roots for yourself. It is also a good time to learn how to do friendships with girls (talk about tricky waters!).  And honestly, I think most (not all, but most) high school boys really aren’t ready to be boyfriends.  Be gracious to them and allow them time to grow up and become strong men of faith who are driven by God and not their hormones or other friends or our secular culture.

 

3. Only date guys who are actively pursuing a relationship with Jesus and will support your relationship with Jesus.  So, here is the deal.  I know there are plenty of guys who call themselves Christians, and I know full well the temptation to say, “Well, he says he is a Christian, so it is ok for me to date him, but I would never date a non-Christian.”  Please remember that I’m not talking about what is sinful and what is not sinful.  I’m talking about what is wise and unwise, and it is UNWISE to date someone who calls themselves a Christian but whose life shows no proof.  If your relationship with the Lord is important to you, you will put someone in your life who is able to support you in that relationship.  Someone who says they are a Christian but isn’t, or someone who is a Christian but is not seeking to grow in their faith, is not equipped to help YOU grow in YOUR faith. 

 

4. Make a list of the qualities you want in a man.  Then find Bible verses to match those qualities.  If you can’t find a verse to support the quality, perhaps it shouldn’t be on your list (ie: big muscles is probably not a deal breaker).  Once you have made your list, use it to guide you in your dating choices.  There is no perfect guy, but you should be looking for a guy whose character lines up with God’s word.  You may even find a verse that spells out the kind of man you’d like to marry and then pray that God allow you to date men like that.  A verse I used when I was dating to help determine what type of man to associate with was 1 Timothy 3:2-3 which says, “Now the overseer is to be above reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money.” 

 

5. Date with your head first before your heart.  If you use wisdom in who you date, you can protect your heart.  It is dangerous to “hang out” with a guy you know you shouldn’t date.  The better friends you become with this man, the more likely you will fall in love, and once that happens, you’ll have a much harder time following your convictions.  Be careful.  Guard your heart and limit the time you spend with him.  Remember the line from When Harry Met Sally: “Men and women can’t be friends.”  So true!!

 

6. Become a woman who will attract the type of man you want.  Proverbs 31 is a great place to start.  Be this woman – be beautiful inside, be a hard worker, be wise, fear the Lord.  Find a verse you want to exemplify (right now I’m working on Philippians 2:3-4 & 14-15 for myself) and pray that God will help you do it.  Don’t try to meet men in bars or clubs.  Follow Christ and make him your focus, and one day (if God has planned it for you), you’ll look beside you and see someone following God as faithfully and in the same direction as you are – and he is your man!

 

7. Remember that the point of dating is to marry.  I do believe dating is a process that should lead us to marriage.  Don’t date people you wouldn’t consider marrying – which goes back to #4.  Decide what type of many you want to marry, and if you find out your boyfriend isn’t that man, break up with him for goodness sakes!!  Don’t string the boy along because you don’t want to be alone.  If you have claimed Proverbs 18:9 and sworn to yourself that you will not marry a lazy man, but your boyfriend never does his homework because he is playing video games all afternoon or he oversleeps all his college classes and is on academic probation, what are you doing with him??  It is likely he will never change.  If he does change, ok, give him a second chance.  But don’t keep dating him waiting for him to change when he shows no signs of improvement.

 

8. Give grace.  The biggest lesson I learned while dating is that Christian guys aren’t perfect guys.  Every guy I have dated (once I made the commitment to date wisely in the 9^th grade), professed clearly to being a Christian.  They were all regular church goers and seemed to be growing in their faith.  All but one were all involved in attending or leading a Bible Study/Sunday School/Youth Group while we were dating.  I truly believe they were basically quality guys, but most of them didn’t date well.  They would go out with me for a couple of months and then quit calling.  A couple of them had some personal issues in their lives that kept them from being the best boyfriends.  One or two made a couple of poor choices that greatly hurt my feelings.  I had to learn to show grace.  Men are flawed and sinful just like girls are, and they make mistakes when navigating the dating process (as I have done, and you have probably done also).  I think that it is important to forgive in those scenarios, and let God handle the man. I’m NOT saying the solution is to stay in the relationship (that is a call you’ll have to make based on prayer), but I am saying that you should not let the actions of one or two or five J Christian guys define ALL Christian guys.  The solution to being treated badly in a Christian relationship is NOT to date non-Christians or swear off dating all together, just as the solution to having a negative church experience or two is NOT to quit going or change religions!  Guys aren’t Jesus, and they can’t do for us what He can, and they shouldn’t be held to that standard.  I’m not saying that Christian men don’t need to step up and be Christian men, but I am saying that you can’t control them – you can only control you.  Forgive them, let God convict their hearts, and keep following Him and dating with wisdom, and if the Lord has planned marriage for you, the process will pay off!

 

*If you are wondering why I didn’t mention purity in this blog post, see this one: Follow the Light!

 

*If you have any more tips, feel free to comment!!