I won’t lie; my dating life was something of a train
wreck. I never was able to make a
relationship last more than about six weeks. I am the one with all kinds of
funny first date stories – the football game date with a guy who talked about
marriage for the first 30 minutes, the blind set-up potluck date where I
brought a pound cake packed with butter and Crisco to eat with my health freak
vegetarian date, the one with the old college crush who showed up 45 minutes
LATE!! My dating life is packed with
colorful stories and short lived relationships – mostly because either I or my
guy made up our minds about each other very quickly, and we were never on the
same page! Given all that craziness, I
don’t know why I think I have something to say about dating, but I DO! My dating life might be full of colorful
stories and random adventures, but in spite of all of that, I think the Lord
did give me some insight on how to date wisely.
So….let me begin my list of tips.
1. Date prayerfully.
Ephesians 6:18 says “And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all
kinds of prayers and requests.” Who to
date is a HUGE decision, and it shouldn’t be taken casually. Scripture says you should pray about
everything. I think dating falls under
the category of “everything” – anyone with me?
You are considering putting another person in a very influential spot in
your life. I don’t believe in casual
dating one bit. Dating is a serious
decision and should be treated as such.
I pray about finding my lost car keys!
Why would I not ask God to give me direction about who to date? Pray and seek God’s will. Then make sure you are listening for his
voice and not your own.
2. Be prepared to hear God.
I have to warn you that when you pray about who to date, you might get
an answer you don’t like. In high
school, once I started seeking God for who to date (around January of my 9th
grade year), I didn’t have a single boyfriend.
I did have opportunities for boyfriends, and I had several boys that I
prayed about specifically (and even begged God to let me date), but I never
felt peace about dating them. God never
granted me permission, so I didn’t have boyfriends until college – and even those
were few and far between. I know that
sounds like a nail in the coffin for high school readers, but let me encourage
you that high school is a great time to grow in your faith and dig deep roots
for yourself. It is also a good time to learn how to do friendships with girls
(talk about tricky waters!). And
honestly, I think most (not all, but most) high school boys really aren’t ready
to be boyfriends. Be gracious to them
and allow them time to grow up and become strong men of faith who are driven by
God and not their hormones or other friends or our secular culture.
3. Only date guys who are actively pursuing a relationship
with Jesus and will support your relationship with Jesus. So, here is the deal. I know there are plenty of guys who call themselves
Christians, and I know full well the temptation to say, “Well, he says he
is a Christian, so it is ok for me to date him, but I would never date a
non-Christian.” Please remember that I’m
not talking about what is sinful and what is not sinful. I’m talking about what is wise and unwise,
and it is UNWISE to date someone who calls themselves a Christian but whose
life shows no proof. If your
relationship with the Lord is important to you, you will put someone in your
life who is able to support you in that relationship. Someone who says they are a Christian but
isn’t, or someone who is a Christian but is not seeking to grow in their faith,
is not equipped to help YOU grow in YOUR faith.
4. Make a list of the qualities you want in a man. Then find Bible verses to match those qualities. If you can’t find a verse to support the
quality, perhaps it shouldn’t be on your list (ie: big muscles is probably not
a deal breaker). Once you have made your
list, use it to guide you in your dating choices. There is no perfect guy, but you should be
looking for a guy whose character lines up with God’s word. You may even find a verse that spells out the
kind of man you’d like to marry and then pray that God allow you to date men
like that. A verse I used when I was
dating to help determine what type of man to associate with was 1 Timothy 3:2-3
which says, “Now the overseer is to be above
reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable,
hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of
money.”
5. Date with your head first before your heart. If you use wisdom in who you date, you can
protect your heart. It is dangerous to “hang
out” with a guy you know you shouldn’t date.
The better friends you become with this man, the more likely you will
fall in love, and once that happens, you’ll have a much harder time following
your convictions. Be careful. Guard your heart and limit the time you spend
with him. Remember the line from When Harry Met Sally: “Men and women can’t be friends.” So true!!
6. Become a woman who will attract the type of man you
want. Proverbs 31 is a great place to
start. Be this woman – be beautiful
inside, be a hard worker, be wise, fear the Lord. Find a verse you want to exemplify
(right now I’m working on Philippians 2:3-4 & 14-15 for myself) and pray
that God will help you do it. Don’t try
to meet men in bars or clubs. Follow
Christ and make him your focus, and one day (if God has planned it for you),
you’ll look beside you and see someone following God as faithfully and in the
same direction as you are – and he is your man!
7. Remember that the point of dating is to marry. I do believe dating is a process that should
lead us to marriage. Don’t date people
you wouldn’t consider marrying – which goes back to #4. Decide what type of many you want to marry,
and if you find out your boyfriend isn’t that man, break up with him for
goodness sakes!! Don’t string the boy
along because you don’t want to be alone.
If you have claimed Proverbs 18:9 and sworn to yourself that you will
not marry a lazy man, but your boyfriend never does his homework because he is
playing video games all afternoon or he oversleeps all his college classes and
is on academic probation, what are you doing with him?? It is likely he will never change. If he does change, ok, give him a second
chance. But don’t keep dating him
waiting for him to change when he shows no signs of improvement.
8. Give grace. The
biggest lesson I learned while dating is that Christian guys aren’t perfect
guys. Every guy I have dated (once I
made the commitment to date wisely in the 9th grade), professed
clearly to being a Christian. They were
all regular church goers and seemed to be growing in their faith. All but one were all involved in attending or
leading a Bible Study/Sunday School/Youth Group while we were dating. I truly believe they were basically quality
guys, but most of them didn’t date well.
They would go out with me for a couple of months and then quit calling. A couple of them had some personal issues in
their lives that kept them from being the best boyfriends. One or two made a couple of poor choices that
greatly hurt my feelings. I had to learn
to show grace. Men are flawed and sinful
just like girls are, and they make mistakes when navigating the dating process
(as I have done, and you have probably done also). I think that it is important to forgive in
those scenarios, and let God handle the man. I’m NOT saying the solution is to
stay in the relationship (that is a call you’ll have to make based on prayer),
but I am saying that you should not let the actions of one or two or five J
Christian guys define ALL Christian guys.
The solution to being treated badly in a Christian relationship is NOT
to date non-Christians or swear off dating all together, just as the solution
to having a negative church experience or two is NOT to quit going or change
religions! Guys aren’t Jesus, and they
can’t do for us what He can, and they shouldn’t be held to that standard. I’m not saying that Christian men don’t need
to step up and be Christian men, but I am saying that you can’t control them –
you can only control you. Forgive them,
let God convict their hearts, and keep following Him and dating with wisdom,
and if the Lord has planned marriage for you, the process will pay off!
*If you are wondering why I didn’t mention purity in this
blog post, see this one: Follow the Light!
*If you have any more tips, feel free to comment!!
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