Father's Day

This week, Andy and I went to the beach to celebrate our 3^rd wedding anniversary.  Since the weekend before our anniversary happened to be Father’s Day this year, we invited my parents and brother’s family to join us for that.  My brother is a new dad this year, so it was a great time to celebrate all these special men.  Watching the different stages of fatherhood also left me thinking about the impact a dad has.

My brother is the dad to a two month old.  He and my sister in law are such a good team and have adjusted to parenthood so well, but I remember that stage of life being a very stressful one in my home just one year ago!  It takes a lot of energy and patience to meet the needs of such a tiny human being.  My brother joked that for Father’s Day he wanted a day to himself without the demands of parenthood.  Did he get it?  Absolutely not!  It is amazing how much our parents do sacrifice for us.

Andy is an awesome dad to our sweet little 14 month old.  Daniel is only a year older than his cousin, but it is amazing the difference a year can make at this point.  In only a slightly different place than my brother, Andy is his son’s best buddy.  Daniel wakes up asking for “Daddy” (pronounced Dad-D in his little voice).  They play and tickle and run together.  Daddy coming home from work is the best part of Daniel’s day.  It is absolute hero worship, and I love it.

My dad has three grown children.  His role is so obviously different than the other two dads we celebrated.  He has learned to let go and let us be the people he has raised us to be.  My brothers and I are very different in terms of personality, but we have also ended up in different places professionally and geographically.  My youngest brother lives with his wife in Texas, and it was clear how much my dad missed his presence – which is absent at most of our family events.  We’ve chosen very different career paths for ourselves and none of us followed in my dad’s footsteps to take over his contracting business, even though the offer was on the table for all of us.  What I love about my dad, though, is that he understands what we all do, and he takes the time to talk with us about our career choices.  I know he is more comfortable with the business world that my brothers occupy, but he has always listened to my stories about teaching or my students and found ways to relate.  I feel like so many people talk about education as if they understand it because they were once students (an attitude that is of insane annoyance to a public school teacher for the record!), but my dad is not like that.  He listens to the current struggles and reads articles about education, which he either discusses with or sends to me.  And when I quit teaching face to face and began teaching online so that I could be home with Daniel, he took the time to understand how that worked, too.  And here is what I really love.  My brothers are incredibly ambitious in their careers – just as my dad was.  I was ambitious too before I became a mom, but now, I work online simply to give us a budget that keeps me home with Daniel.  And in my dad’s eyes, I know there is no shame in my decision to give up my career for my family.  I know that he is proud of me – even if for different reasons than his pride for my brothers.

This week as I reflected on a father’s role in our lives, I told Andy that it is amazing what a big, imposing role fathers have.  They are like giants in our lives, I think.  I see it with Daniel, and I see it in myself as a daughter.  To Daniel, his daddy is bigger than life.  When Andy is around, Daniel could jump out of his skin with excitement.  When Andy is gone, Daniel asks about him frequently.  I’m Daniel’s primary care giver – I feed him all his meals, change most of his diapers, and play with him for hours throughout the day, but those times with me are a given to him.  The time with daddy is special.  If he falls and hurts himself, Daniel wants his mommy who he knows will come at a moment’s notice, but if he is feeling good, he has eyes only for daddy.

Watching Daniel, at such a young age, interact differently with Andy and me, makes me think that generally, we accept that our mothers will always be there because they always have been.  Mothers occupy a quiet, constant space in our lives like the air we breathe – unless they are missing, we barely notice their presence.  Dads are more like a shooting star or a brilliant summer thunderstorm – they are big and bold and impactful.  I want to make my dad proud of me.  I want to earn his admiration and approval.  There is something about his role in my life that makes me want to please him.  By contrast, I know my mom will always be for me what she has always been – encouraging, loving, affirming.  And I love this give and take.  Moms give children consistency and security, but dads push them to be great.  Dads make us excel and work hard and strive to be the best.  Dads add excitement and energy and even focus to a home.  What a wonderful role – that of fathers.  And this Father’s Day, I was so glad I got the chance to spend it with my three favorite dads!

Reflections on Moving to Winston Salem

Andy was not looking for a new job when he was called to interview in Winston.  I was eight months pregnant, we had recently bought a house in a FANTASTIC location, and we loved being in Charlotte.  I had made some great friends, had a wonderful small group, and was about to have a baby.  We lived an easy one hour drive from my parents, and my mom and I were already planning all our lunch dates and meetups for the days when I would be a stay at home parent.  Life was good.  And then we got a call from Winston Salem.

As soon as Andy told me about his unexpected call to interview for a position in Winston, I knew we would be moving.  The scripture, “I go to prepare a place for you” came to mind very soon after the announcement, and I was flooded with peace from the Lord about it.  I vividly remember telling my mom when I called her with the news, “I know we are going to move.  I know Andy hasn’t even interviewed yet, but I’m telling you God is taking us to Winston Salem.  He told me he was preparing a place for us there.” 

There were a lot of twists and turns after Andy’s call to interview, and the choice to leave Charlotte became increasingly more difficult.  It felt like reasons to stay just kept popping up in our path, but in every quest for wisdom and in every prayer, we always had confirmation that God was asking us to leave – that his promises were as true as his call.

We have been in Winston Salem almost a year, and I still miss Charlotte regularly – the shopping, the proximity to my family, my friends and Bible Study there.  But gradually, God is creating such a special community for us here.  Last night, Andy and I talked about the three homes we’ve lived in together and the home I owned and loved in Greenville.  Each of those homes had some awesome perks and special memories for us – and a couple of them were very near and dear to my heart – but we both agreed that our house in Winston is the best one for our current stage of life.  There is space for Daniel to play and storage for his many toys.  It truly is a great fit and just what we need.

And not only that.  God has also been true to his word and is surrounding us with the community I had craved.  Today, Daniel and I walked over to play with our neighbors who have children ages 4, 3, and almost 1.  Daniel adores these children, and we see them at least once each week.  Today, I watched as the three youngest – all boys – knelt together in the grass, the smallest one not quite ready to walk.  I watched the three year old with his bright blue eyes look at Daniel in all seriousness and say, “Daniel, we do not do this.”  I couldn’t quite hear the rest of his speech, but I knew he was telling my rambunctious boy how to treat his younger brother – ie not to hit the baby with the play sword he was carrying!  I watched their interaction, and I thought, “This is it.  This is community.”  Here was an older child teaching the younger one something he had learned from his own parents about kindness.  Here I was listening to his lesson and learning from him and also his sweet mom how to parent these babies in our care.  It reminded me of the scripture in Titus 2 that describes the church as a body of believers who learn from one another – who all have something to teach and something to learn.  Tonight as I reflect on that sweet interaction between Daniel and his buddies, I am thankful we have moved here.  I am thankful that God prepared a place for me here before we came, and I am thankful for all he has yet to do.

Guest Post: What Infertility Has Taught Us About Marriage by Jason Faulkner

This morning, I took a quiet minute to open up my computer and start a new blog post (because my poor blog is missing me!).  I had a topic in mind and had just prayed for God to guide my words when I got a phone call from a friend requesting to guest post on One Crying Stone.  Our conversation gave me chills, and I know for sure that these are the words that the Lord wanted posted today, and I hope that you might consider sharing them for him in your own circle of influence – maybe in a Facebook post or with a small group.  He and his wife are willing to break themselves open and be so honest to offer some hope and encouragement for those in the same place they have been.  Maybe you could be willing to help them in this.

Before, I post his words, I want to tell you a little bit about my friends, Jason and Katie.  I met Jason on my first night at ECU.  We became instant buddies.  His big laugh and carefree spirit drew me (and others) to him.  He was also majoring in English Education, so we had several of our first classes together, and after that semester, began planning our schedules together, so I shared a lot of class time with him and later we completed our internship together.  He always made me laugh, and I probably helped keep him out of as much trouble as possible in those college courses.

Jason and I didn’t hang out together much outside of school, so I met his wife (then girlfriend), Katie, after they had been dating for a year or more.  I knew immediately that she was the one for him.  Katie has a wonderful, easy going spirit that handles Jason’s intensity and focuses his energy.  They laugh easily together and share common goals.  Their relationship is beautiful.  I was asked to read scripture in their wedding, and I remember sitting through the ceremony and watching them interact.  I honestly can’t say that I’ve ever seen a couple more connected, in love, and simply happy together than Jason and Katie.

This year, they’ve faced a situation that has been emotionally tough for them, but the absolute beauty of their relationship still shines in this blog post Jason wrote about their experience.  Please read it, and please share it if you know someone who will benefit as it is their desire to speak to others in similar situations.

What Infertility Has Taught Us About Marriage

The other day my wife, Katie, and I received a bit of news. Not good or bad news – just news – we were told that after 6 months and seemingly endless testing we cannot have kids. Of course this news is unwanted and certainly not the desired news one would want to hear from a doctor but given the past six months, the news was not unexpected. However, despite the tears – yes we both cried – the heartache, the typical questions one would ask, questions such as: why us? and how is this fair?, this experience is more about us succeeding as a couple and allowing us to fully understand the meaning of marriage than anything else. 

This past January, after about a year of trying, Katie and I decided to start the process of speaking with different doctors about why we were having pregnancy issues. We started with an OBGYN in our hometown and then we were referred to a “Conception Specialist” (my term), as well as other doctors. We wanted to find answers but there was always another test which only exacerbated our feeling of being in limbo. It seemed that no matter the number of tests we took the picture was not clear enough to give us a definitive answer.

After receiving the first round of test results we immediately knew the odds were not in our favor. We were shocked, upset, scared, and confused, we had long conversations that played out different “what-if’ scenarios, one of which was about our marriage.

“Would our inability to have kids be the cause of us divorcing?” My wife, immediately responded, “If that was the case the vows we said on our wedding day, in front of everyone, would be a sham. We married each other because we love one another and want to be with each other – not based on the ability of whether or not we could procreate.” She nailed it and though I am not religious the vows said on wedding days are about a couple – two people coming together – going from an “I” and a “me” to form an “us” and a ‘we.”

Our situation has taught us other lessons, like focusing on what we have rather than what we do not. For whatever reason it is human nature to focus on the latter – what we do not have or wished we had. This in no way should negate ambition but what Katie and I have learned is that focusing on what we do not, or cannot, have will only cause us to lead unfulfilled lives. Instead we have tried to remain focused on everything that  we do have – our health, our families, our  friends, good times, laughter, shared experiences, and, most importantly, each other.

As a couple we had the hardest time dealing with the feelings of loneliness and isolation that accompany pregnancy complications. We, like many, when faced with hardships surround ourselves with our most cherished loved ones, our families and friends. However the personal nature of fertility can cause a couple to be reclusive and cause them to stop leaning on those who support them the most. For the most part we tried to be as open as we could be, or wanted to be, with our family and our closest friends. When we did talk to our family and friends about what we were going through and feeling our pain was not resolved but these conversations reinforced our support system.  

Another aspect that has caused me to really think about is the expected nature of pregnancy for primarily females but also married couples. Yes, we have been together for 12 years, and will be married for 5 in July but even before we started down this long road we are often asked questions like, “when are you all going to have a kid,” or “when are you all gonna get one of those” (asker points to a baby). Deep down we know these questions are not meant to be invasive and are asked because people think we will be good parents but often those who ask these questions forget the personal nature of the question and are subconsciously / consciously operating on the assumption that parenting is the only life arch for a married couple and is the expectation for females; in both cases the assumptions and expectations are false.     

As for right now, the results and news is far too new and raw to make any decision about other options. There will be plenty of time to have these discussions and, just as we would have if we could have kids, we will navigate this new path together. Certainly it will take some time but we know this situation will prove to only make us stronger as a couple. This proof was never more evident than when the doctor asked us, “What is your plan B?” and I replied, “Doc, our plan B has always been plan A, to love each other unconditionally. So there really isn’t a need for a plan B.”