Getting the A

I have a classroom policy that allows students to drop a classwork or quiz grade when they get their progress report signed.  It is a great policy.  I get so many more progress reports returned than when I gave grades simply for returning the signed report, and it gives students a little safety net in case they bomb an assignment or forget their homework one day.  One year, though, I had a class that tried to manipulate my policy.

 

I was teaching Greek mythology, and I told them that they would have a quiz on the gods/goddesses and their powers the next week.  Somehow they banned together, and they all decided they wouldn’t study or prepare for the quiz and would instead use their upcoming progress reports to drop the grade.  Almost everyone failed it.  I was furious.  I knew that Greek mythology was something that would be covered again in 10^th grade with The Iliad, and I wanted them to have the background needed to understand that epic.  Not one to be outsmarted, I told them that they would be tested on the information until everyone made 100.  We took the test at least 6 times before everyone succeeded, but I bet those kids have never forgotten that information.

 

This morning, I was watching a Beth Moore video and in it, she made the comment that God’s tests for us are always designed with a purpose and meant to bring specific results.  She highlighted two scriptures that made me think of that mythology test.  The first was 1 Peter 1:6-7 which says that trials have come “so that the proven genuineness of your faith …may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” God gives us tests to make our faith genuine.  He does it to take out areas of sin, to refine us like gold.  When we become refined, we are better able to be a picture of Christ to the world.

 

The second scripture was Exodus 20:20 which says, “Do not be afraid.  God has come to test you, so that the fear of God will be with you to keep you from sinning.”  I don’t know about anyone else, but I hate sinning.  Whenever I fall into the same old trap, I feel such a sense of failure and frustration.  If the test God brings can help me respect him enough to keep from sinning, I’m all for it.

 

The problem, though, is that tests don’t often seem like opportunities.  For my students, that mythology quiz felt like something they just had to get through.  It didn’t feel like an opportunity to know information that would help them succeed later.  I’m the same way.  If I reflect on the past week, I can see multiple times God put tests in my way – he put several situations in front of me where I had two choices.  I could respond with gossip, complaining, unkindness, or I could respond with love, forgiveness, humility.  More often than not I chose the first response.  You see, I didn’t view those tests as opportunities. I viewed them as something to get through and my spur of the moment response wasn’t sufficient to ace the test.

 

It is taking me a long time as I know this concept is one God has tried to show me before (I think maybe I’ve even blogged about something similar), but today, I think the problem is that I haven’t been serious about making an A on these tests.  And God, the great teacher, is not satisfied to leave me where I am.  In the same way I gave the mythology test over and over, he keeps bringing me tests patiently waiting on me to make the right grade, to learn self-control, to develop the qualities that will keep me from failing it the next time.

 

I need a change of perspective.  Those times when THAT girl spouts off that one comment that inevitably makes my blood run hot, my first response should not be complaint or indignation.  It should be grace. The reality, though, is just as my students would never have passed that mythology test without studying, I will never pass these tests without studying.  Too long I’ve tried to rely on my own power thinking that I will pass the test when it comes because I’ve heard God’s truth.  I’ve learned that I won’t.  I need to study.  I need to let God’s word sink deep into my heart so that when the test comes I hear Him over any pull to sin.

 

So, I’ve done what any 21^st Century girl would do – I’ve downloaded an app for that! Seriously.  Often I don’t have the wisdom to conclude my blogs with good practical advice, but today, I think I have a plan.  Several weeks ago, I downloaded an app called “Scripture Typer” on my IPhone.  It is amazing!  Already, I have memorized three new scriptures that have encouraged me in another area of struggle.  Today, I also added 1 Peter 1:6-7 and Exodus 20:20 to my quiz bank.  Psalm 119:11 says, “I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you” and Ephesians 6:17 tells us that the only offensive weapon we have for overcoming sin is the “the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”  Therefore in effort to pass the tests instead of give in to temptation, I am working to hide scriptures in my heart that will remind me that all temptations are really tests, and tests are opportunities for success.  Praise God that he is sticking with me until I get that A.  Bring on the tests!

Dead Mice and Dad

On Thursday, I walked into our guest room and was immediately hit with a smell that made me want to gag.  Dead mouse.  I knew it.  Having worked in an older school building for five years, I am more than familiar with the smell of dead mice.  My friend, Krisjan, inevitably had a dead mouse in her classroom every year, and it would take months and hours of searching to locate the little critter and get it out.  I hate mice.  Dead or alive, I have no idea of God’s purpose when he put them on this planet.

 

When Andy got home, I quickly directed him to the guest room.  “Are you sure it isn’t just our shoes?” he asked scanning the shoes we have hanging on the back of the door.  Ummm… no honey. Not unless you have a dead critter in your dress blacks.  We scoured the room to no avail, so I did what any girl would do in such a dire situation – I called my dad.  He suggested vacuuming out the air vents, especially when I told him the smell was more overwhelming when the heat was blowing.  We tried it.  No such luck.  I called him again.  I got my mom.  Her advice?  Just deal with it – surely it would decompose before long.  My mom values independence in her children, but dead mouse expert that I am, I knew it would take months and months to decompose.  We’d be moved out of this rental house before the smell would be gone, and our guest room would be completely uninhabitable in the meantime.  I begged to speak to my dad.  His solution?  He would come mouse hunting in Charlotte the next morning.

 

Let me preface all of this by saying that in situations that I can’t control, I panic.  The first winter I lived in the house I owned in Greenville, I had mice.  Live mice.  Running around my house.  I panicked.  Just ask my friend Rebecca whom I called at 3:00 am so that I could come to her house in my pajamas and crash in her guest room to escape the little pests.  I called my dad that time too, and by 4:00 that afternoon, he was standing on my front porch with mouse traps and his overnight bag.  He didn’t leave until the mice were gone.

 

Extermination needs aren’t the only ones my dad meets.  He is also handy in car accident situations.  Last year, I was driving from home to work on a Tuesday morning and out of nowhere, a car tire fell from the sky and knocked out my windshield.  Well, “almost nowhere” is a bit of an exaggeration.  It was actually the doing of a Farmville native, overall wearing man named Zebediah who didn’t feel it important to secure the tire resting on the top of his minivan as he only had a 50 mile drive that day. Unbelievably, the tire didn’t stay in place when his speed exceeded 45 MPH, and instead it almost totaled my poor Camry. My reaction?  Complete meltdown.  My dad’s solution?  To drive from Norwood to Farmville hauling an extra truck on a trailer behind him so I would have a way home from work and something to drive while my car was being repaired.

 

Clearly, my dad demonstrates love through acts of service, and he is one of those people that I believe has a solution for everything.  I also love the fact that he will drop everything and come when I need him most.  These types of service are his absolute strengths. 

 

Someone reading this blog might think that I am a “daddy’s girl” and that I grew up closer to him than anyone else, but interestingly I was closer to my mom growing up, and even now, my mom is one of my best friends.  Andy and I were in the car for several hours this weekend while we travelled, and we had the chance to talk about the parenting difference between my mom and dad.  The interesting thing I realized in our conversation is that they both have separate strengths that make a wonderful balance.  You see, where my dad comes through in the big things, my mom is there in the day to day.  Growing up, my mom was at every sporting event, band concert, and youth group event.  My mom packed our lunches and knew our teachers and heard all the inner workings of our friendships and dating relationships.  We are adults now, but she still knows it all.  She asks questions, sends emails, calls us on the phone, and as my youngest brother says, “interrogates” us for information.  She knows the names of my students, and my favorite places in Charlotte, and what is going on with all my Greenville girls. 

 

My mom is awesome in the day to day, but I know she would never come to Charlotte and crawl under my house to find the source of my mouse problem which is what my dad did on Friday.  On the flip side, though, I’m not sure my dad could mention by name all the bridesmaids in my wedding.  I don’t know what life would have looked like if I had been raised by only one of my parents, but I know that the combination of the two of them is perfect.

 

Interestingly, the differences between my mom and dad probably represent common differences between lots of moms and dads.  Women are more relational and as such, probably more interested in the day to day life of their children.  Men are more product driven and work focused.  They aren’t as interested in long heart-to-hearts as they are in making a difference in a specific situation.  In the new Bible study I’m doing with my small group, those differences would be labeled tenderness (women) and strength (men).  While I was reflecting on the difference between my parents to Andy this weekend, he made the comment that they represent the “image of God” to me.  Given that the traits they each have are common traits for their genders makes me wonder if God’s divine purpose in creating family to include a mom and a dad is that men and women each represent unique traits of God to their children.

 

You see, God is the perfect parent.  Like a mother, He is there for us in the day to day.  As the Psalmist says in Psalm 139, “O Lord, You have looked through me and have known me.  You know when I sit down and when I get up.  You understand my thoughts from far away.”  He knows all the small things we think and feel, and he sees us in the day to day.  Like a father, though, he is also able to rescue us in our time of great need.  Speaking of an imminent release from 70 years of Babylonian captivity, God tells the Jewish people in Jeremiah 29, “’Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me and I will listen to you.  You will look for Me and find Me, when you look for Me with all your heart.  I will be found by you,’ says the Lord, ‘And I will bring you back and gather you from all the nations.’”

 

I can’t help but wonder if God designed the family life to show children a picture of himself.  Like a mother, he will care for our every need and support us in our daily lives, and like a father, he will rescue us when we feel we can’t make it any longer.  The church puts a lot of pressure on men these days because God is compared in the Bible most often to a father.  I have heard sermon after sermon on how important it is for men to focus more on their families and be present for their wives and children, and all of that is true and good, but I’m wondering if our focus should change some.  What if BOTH men and women took their roles of parenting seriously?  What if both partners saw that their job is to show a unique part of God’s character to their children so that those children could better know the Lord? 

 

Matthew 7:11 says, “You are bad and you know how to give good gifts to your children.  How much more will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask Him?”  We have to know that even on our best days, we are still bad at being a picture of God to the world.  We are sinful, and fallen, and we don’t see the big picture the way God does, but how awesome is it that even in spite of all of that, parents can still bring joy to their children.  My dad coming to check out my mouse situation brought me such calm, and as it turns out, he wasn’t even able to fix the problem.  In fact, we are still in the process of finding someone who can remove a dead mouse from a heating unit (which was the diagnosis of the scent). But, on Friday, knowing that my dad was there and had the potential to help brought me out of panic mode.  How much more powerful is it that I can see the good gift my dad brought me, and know that I have an even greater Father in heaven who created the mice and knows just how to help me – in that or any other situation.  Which is why I’m praying he’ll send us a good exterminator!

What's in a Name?

Disclaimer: Before I write this post, I want to make it very clear that Andy and I are NOT pregnant nor are we planning for babies in the near future.  This post, however, is about baby names just because names are interesting to me.

 

I have always been interested in names. I think the obsession started when I was 3 years old and my youngest brother was born.  Prior to his birth, I was dying for a sister named “Casey” after a family friend whom we had recently visited.  I got a brother instead of a sister, but to appease me, my mom agreed to the name “Casey.”  Honestly, she was probably looking for an out to my dad’s family name option which was “Hale.”  Either way, it worked – I was happy.

 

When I was a little bit older, I wanted to know everyone’s name in our family.  I bet I’m the only grandchild who can name almost every aunt, uncle, cousin, and grandparent’s first and middle names.  My Aunt Libby and my Grandma Vaughn were interested in family trees and heritage, and I remember studying the family Bible to see who was related to whom and what everyone was named.  I decided that the Vaughn family boy name I liked best was “Evan” – the other prominent choices being “William” and “John.”  My favorite Coggins’s family name was “Chloe” – the name belonging to my great-grandmother.  Ironically, for all my love of names, I didn’t get a family name.  My parents named me “Shannon” because my dad was a truck driver when I was born, he had recently driven through a town named “Shannon,” and he liked the sound of it.  My middle name is “Marie,” which my dad claims is after his mother whose name was “Mary,” but my mom says was just a name she liked.  Who knows?

 

One of my best friends, Emily, is having a boy in June.  Choosing the name of her first son was an ordeal for her and her husband.  For the second son, the task is no less simple, they both have names they like but nothing they can agree upon.  She asked our group of friends to help her brainstorm boy names and send her suggestions.  I haven’t sent her any suggestions, but the conversation about her name options did start a conversation between Andy and me about names we liked.  Over our New Year’s Eve dinner, I found out that Andy wanted to use a Biblical name if we ever had a boy.

 

His comment has led me to begin researching Biblical names for boys, and let me tell you, there are not many good choices, but they are all so much fun to examine.  So, here are my list of tips to consider when picking a Biblical name:

 

1. Consider the way the name is used in the Bible.  I have met more than one person who has proudly told me that they were named after a character in the Bible but could not tell me where the character appears or anything about the meaning of the name.  I understand these parents were probably trying to pick a unique name, pulled up an internet search of Biblical names, picked one they liked, and then told their kids the name came from the Bible.  However, wouldn’t you hate to pick the name “Cain” and 10 years later, your child finds the verse “Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him”?  Depressing.

 

2. Pick a meaningful name.  Very similar to point number 1 – there are lots of names that appear only once in the Bible.  They don’t appear in a negative light (like Cain’s), but they are simply one name in a long genealogy.  “Jared” is a nice name, but the only time it appears in the Bible is in Genesis 5, and all it says is that he lived 162 years, and he had a son named Enoch.

 

3. Consider Biblical heroes.  If you decide to pick a well-known Biblical name, you have the opportunity to give your child a role model, and hopefully a very early interest in the Bible as children enjoy hearing their name in a story.  “Daniel” is my personal favorite in this area.  Daniel is the only big Biblical character I can recall who doesn’t compromise his beliefs or values – he asked to eat only vegetables when being trained by the king of Babylon even though it was risky, he spent time in a firey furnace and a lion’s den because he refused to pray to the king instead of the Lord, and he was a prophet.  Andy likes “Paul” because of the ways he spread the gospel without fear.  Stephen was stoned for his faith, David was a king that followed the Lord (expect for that whole Bathsheba thing), Samuel heard from God, Joshua and Caleb convinced the Israelites to enter the promised land and Joshua also gave the “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord” speech.  Other good names in this category?  Noah, Joseph, Peter, Isaac, and Gabriel (if you want to go with naming your boy after an angel).

 

4. Pick an obscure name with a really good verse.  I love the concept of painting Bible verses on any wall of my house but especially nursery walls.  There are some Biblical characters we don’t know much about but who show up in really awesome verses.  “Asa” is one of my favorites in this category.  Asa shows up briefly in 1 Kings 15 as a king of Judah.  The verse I’d put on the nursery wall associated with him? 1 Kings 15:14, “Asa’s heart was fully committed to the Lord all his life.”  Another good choice in this category if you can handle going a bit outside the box is “Jabez.”  If you can get over the fact that “Jabez” means “pain” because his mother gave birth to him in pain, you might find the blurb in 1 Chronicles 4:9-10 meaningful.  It highlights a prayer Jabez prayed in his life that God would bless him and the scripture says that God granted his request. Two of Jacob’s sons in Genesis 49 also have some good verses from his blessings.  Judah is a bit unusual but it is the tribe from which Jesus came and a good verse that goes with it is Genesis 49:8: “Judah, your brothers will praise you.”  Dan is mentioned in verse 16: “Dan will provide justice for his people.”  Ephraim is also a name that is mentioned in this section of scripture and is the name of Joseph’s youngest son. Jacob blesses Ephraim saying he will be greater than his older brother – even though his brother, Manasseh, would also be great.  As a result, Ephraim might be a good name for a second son.

 

5. Pick a name that won’t get your kid bullied.  There are some really great Biblical characters with some really awful names.  For example, Nimrod was known as a mighty hunter before the Lord (Genesis 10:8-9), but who wants their kid to have that name?  I also came across the name Michal and liked it because it is a traditional boy name in our culture, but in the Bible the character is Saul’s daughter!  Or Zacchaeus is a good character – wanting to do everything he could to see God, but do you want the high school youth group to sing, “Zacchaeus was a wee little man, and a wee little man was he!” every time they see your child?

 

6. Make sure the good qualities of the character outweigh the bad.  The reality with Biblical characters is that most of them are not painted in a totally positive light.  I am thankful for that fact as it shows me that God can use people who are not perfect and that he can forgive even sins that I see as enormous – like David’s sin of having an affair with Bathsheba and then killing her husband.  But, if you are going to give your child a character to look to for life, someone like Judas, who betrayed Jesus, might not be the best bet.  Some names of characters that can be made positive are: Esau (who was able to forgive his brother and welcome him back to the family even after his birthright was stolen), Jacob (who became the father of the Israelites even though his name means “the deceiver”), Jonah (who eventually followed God’s direction after spending time in the belly of a giant fish), or any of the disciples who followed Jesus most of their lives even though they abandoned him when he was on the cross – Simon Peter, Philip, Thaddeus, James, Thomas, Nathanael/Bartholomew, Matthew, Andrew, John.

 

7. Don’t be afraid of the prophets.  Andy doesn’t love the mainstream names as much as I do.  I’ll fight for names like “Daniel” (who was also a prophet!) and “David” if we ever have a boy, but I’d be surprised if he agrees.  However, the Old Testament prophets sacrificed their whole lives to be God’s voice to a people who were so hard hearted they almost never listened.  I also like how clearly the prophets heard from God – a trait I’d love for our children.  Names like Elijah, Isaiah, and Jeremiah are all good options in that category. 

 

8. Consider groups of names.  Ok, last thought, but I think this is such a cool story that it must be shared.  I had a math teacher in high school who named her sons (in this order): David, Jonathan, and Samuel.   I know you can’t predict how many children you’ll have or whether you have boys or girls, but if you get started with Biblical names, there may be ways to make the names connect.  She said she picked “David” for “King David.”  When she had a second son, she named him “Jonathan” because David and Jonathan in the Bible were best friends and loved each other greatly.  When she had her third son, she named him “Samuel” because it was the priest, Samuel, who anointed King David.  Moses, Aaron, and Mirim were all siblings – Mirim helped save Moses from death when he was a baby and Aaron joined Moses in his ministry later in life.  Peter, James, and John were three of Jesus’s inner circle.  Paul, Barnabas, and Timothy are a threesome in ministry that pastors often use to illustrate the need to have a spiritual mentor, encourager, and mentee.  Ruth and Naomi were a mother and daughter-in-law that committed to one another to protect each other and travel together after their husbands died.  Mary fled to Elizabeth for support when she found out she was pregnant with Jesus.

 

Well, that’s all for me and my brainstorm of Biblical names.  I know this wasn’t a spiritually uplifting post, but I’ve had so much fun thinking about the merits and drawbacks of Biblical names that I had to share.  Emily, this post also serves as my suggestions for Holland baby #2!  I’ll email you later with the ones I’m super attached to and would like to keep on my own list.  Happy Sunday everyone!

The Cure for Home Sickness

I’ve been homesick lately.  The irony of being homesick for me is that I actually live an hour from “home”!  I’m not homesick for the place I grew up.  I’m homesick for Greenville.  Andy and I spent a fair amount of time in Greenville over the holidays, and driving around the familiar streets always makes my heart ache.  I miss my little house on Cherrytree and my job at Farmville Central.  I miss walks with Marianne and Bible Study with Rebecca and Monday night TV with Jenn.  Today, the weather was absolutely awesome, and as I was walking outside, I thought about how much I missed Greenville, but I couldn’t help but also think about the ways God has blessed me in Charlotte.

 

The biggest way God has blessed me has been my Wednesday night Bible Study.  Andy and I initially wanted to do a couple’s Bible Study so that we could meet friends.  After trying a couple of those groups, I quickly realized that a couple’s study wasn’t for me.  I needed women.  I needed giggling and chocolate and Beth Moore.  I went back to the drawing board, and I was able to connect with a Wednesday night group that contains women ages 19-55.  I know it sounds funny, but I could not have asked for a better fit.  Some of these women are good friends with one another, but overall, no one knows each other very well and no one is in exactly the same stage of life.  Some people have kids but those kids range in age from 16 months-early 20s.  Some kids are biological and some are adopted.  Some people are married, some have been divorced, some are remarried, some are single.  Some people come from the “grew up in church, known Jesus all my life background,” and some have much more colorful stories of salvation.  We are not all Southern, and between us, we have lived all over the United States.  But when we are in the same room, I feel like I am home.  This group reminds me of the scripture in Matthew that says, “Where two or three are gathered together in my name, there I am in the midst of them.”

 

You know, I think that verse gives an absolute promise that I have felt in every group I’ve been part of that puts Jesus as the center of the gathering.  I had a group that met together in my home before I left Greenville that had the same feel as the Bible Study I’m in now.  None of us knew each other well, but when we sat around my living room, we were able to talk and laugh and cry together and share personal requests in a way that I would normally never do with people I don’t know well.  There is a power in gathering together in Jesus’s name.  His presence is there and real and clearly felt in a way that brings hope and power.

 

There is also something really special about being in a group that all know the same person intimately.  I have a friend in Charlotte named Jenny.  She and I don’t know each other all that well, but we have several connections back in Greenville.  I used to teach with her mom; she is really close to one my best friends, Sara; she graduated from high school with Andy’s brother; we babysat for the same family in college; and we even dated the same guy!  The fact that we share common experiences and friends makes me feel closer to her and has given us lots of fuel for conversation.  Similarly, when I go to Bible Study, I join together with several other ladies who know Jesus well and claim him as their best friend – just as I do.  We may not all have known the Lord in the exact same way or for the exact same length of time, but we do have similar experiences of him, and sharing our experiences helps us know and understand Jesus better and grow closer to one another.

 

Praise God that he can be found in any city and that, no matter where we go, he has the power to bring us together with other believers. And this power that shows up in the midst of believers who have gathered in his name also has the power to cure home sicknesses.  Or maybe at least make it disappear for a night!

JT and Grace

My brother got married yesterday.  It was a beautiful ceremony.  Gracey, JT’s new wife, has a family full of ministers and her uncle conducted the service.  It was the most personal wedding ceremony I have ever attended.  For the bulk of the homily, the pastor recited their love story and God’s provision throughout the five years or so they have known each other.

 

You see, JT and Grace have not had an easy dating experience.  When they started dating, they each had six months before he took a job in Ethiopia and she started work in Mozambique with the Peace Corp.  They dated until they left the United States but broke up once in Africa.  The next five years brought a series of reconnections and break ups that were difficult on both JT and Grace.  These stories are the ones we now joke about as a family, but Gracey’s uncle did a terrific job of making it clear how all of those events were used by the Lord to make them better for each other.  Throughout this process, I can see how God changed JT from a young, adventurous college student who was intent on reaching his own goals to a man who is now ready to put Grace and her goals and dreams into his plans.  At 22, JT wasn’t ready to see God’s plan in Grace, but now he is able to give God all the glory for bringing such a special, beautiful woman into his life.  He is able to cherish her as God intended all along.  Likewise, as her uncle pointed out, Grace learned a lot about kindness, forgiveness, and patience as she waited on JT and God’s timing for their lives together. 

 

Andy and I did not go through the same challenges as JT and Grace, but our story also included a breakup, lots of prayer, and some difficult obstacles.  Right before our wedding, I remember telling my friend, Marianne, that I was thankful for the difficulties because I think God taught us how to love each other through our dating life.  I don’t believe true love is solely a feeling.  I think true love is primarily demonstrated in actions.  As 1 Corinthians 13 says, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”  Before I got married, I remember praising God for the difficulties in our relationship because they taught us patience and kindness and forgiveness and how to protect and trust one another.  In essence, we learned how to persevere through difficulties and grow stronger together.  I think Grace and JT have been taught the same lessons in their relationship, and I’m thankful for the firm foundation God has given them prior to starting their lives together.

 

However, a firm foundation does not make a marriage, just as a concrete slab does not make a building.  God is a master creator and has a beautiful structure in mind for all Christian marriages, but that structure requires continued hard work on our parts.  The morning of the wedding, one of the groomsman’s wives, Leah, and I got assigned the task of cutting out small cards that said “Tips for the Bride and Groom.”  The cards got put out at the reception and guests could write advice on them and drop them in a jar that went home with JT and Grace.  It took Leah and me a good 20-25 minutes to cut out all those cards, and I never even took the time to write advice on one of them!  So, I’m going to conclude this blog with a tiny bit of what God has taught me in a brief six months of marriage.

 

I’ve learned that a wedding is only the beginning of a love story.  In my dating life, I saw the wedding as the destination – and for us, it was one destination as it took God working a few miracles to get us to that day.  However, as miraculous as it was that God paved a way for me and Andy, he is nowhere near done with us, just as he is not done with JT and Grace.  Married life has been 100 times better than dating life, but it has also taught me that we have a long way to go toward having the picture of marriage we want to have.  I’m learning that taking two highly independent, goal oriented people and putting them in the same house with the instructions to work together can sometimes be a recipe for disaster.  Once Andy and I got past the first month or two of delirious happiness to be in the same location, we found the next couple of months to be a struggle of figuring out how to fit one another into our lives on a daily basis.  Last week, it occurred to me that, for the first time since our “honeymoon phase,” we had experienced our first month with no real disagreement or conflict – quite a feat since the month of December was full of traveling and balancing families!

 

What made December better than the rest of the fall?  That would be God hammering away at our building and helping us put up a framework that includes the following:

1. Fall Forward.  Genesis 2:24, “For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and they will become one flesh.”

My favorite book on marriage is Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas, and in it he gives the advice, “Fall forward.”  He says that no matter what – no matter how angry, tired, or upset you are – you should always fall toward one another and not away.  There have been times when Andy and I have had communication issues that have caused confusion, frustration, or hurt feelings.  It has been hard to “fall forward” because even when we go to each other, we haven’t always been able to explain well to one another what we are thinking or feeling, but God has honored the fact that we try.  I’ve also found that the more we fall forward, the easier it becomes to understand and help one another and the stronger our building becomes.

 

2. Pray Together. Matthew 18:20, “Where two or three are gathered together in my name, there I am in the midst of them.” 

There is a cheesy saying that says a couple who prays together stays together.  I’m not big on this type of cliché, but I think this one could be true.  When Andy and I pray together about our marriage, our conflicts, and our dreams, I find that the “problem” looks so much smaller in comparison to how big God is.  We also have a foundation that allows us to look at all that he has already accomplished in us to remind us of his power and where he will be able to take us in the future.  We also take time at dinner every night to pray specifically for other people.  We each pick a person or situation, and we pray together over the request.  We write down who we prayed for and why in a journal, so we can keep track of the ways God answers prayers, and it allows us to celebrate together for other people when we see those prayers answered. 

 

3. Laugh Together.  Psalm 126:2, “Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with sounds of joy.”

Andy and I are not particularly funny people.  We are each individually known for finding humor in situations that no one else sees as funny or interesting.  To make matters worse, we typically do not find humor in the same situations.  One of Andy’s biggest concerns about our relationship when we were dating was that we didn’t laugh at the same things. However, the fun has come in the fact that someone in our house is usually laughing about something.  We have started to make an effort to humor one another and laugh and joke together.  This means that sometimes I join in on a joke with Andy that I don’t think is fun or funny, and sometimes he laughs at my jokes, too, even though he’d never laugh if someone else told them.  In doing that, we have fun with each other.  We create memories together, and we can look back at those memories and find joy and happiness.  Those memories help us create a special friendship and bond exclusively with one another.

 

4. Serve one another. 1 Peter 4:10, “Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.”

Service can be hard.  Andy and I had both lived alone for a long time prior to marriage, and we were used to doing whatever we wanted with our time and energy.  Learning to serve one another even when we don’t feel like it can be difficult, but the thoughtfulness of service can brighten an entire day.  Service looks different in every relationship, but for us it comes in small gestures.  Every morning, Andy makes our bed and puts all the throw pillows in place, and before he gets out of bed on workdays, I make his coffee. In the evenings, I make dinner and ensure that there is hot, healthy food on the table before he gets home, but he is quick to make a trip to the grocery store with a minutes notice for any items I forgot.

 

I know this is not an exhaustive list, and I know that I have no idea what it takes to achieve a lasting marriage, but praise God, I’m learning!  I’m learning that life is not perfect, and that rarely do we love one another as we should, but I’m also learning that God is greater than everything that concerns us.  Somehow, he is able to work in our frailties and sin and brokenness to give the world a picture of his love through the covenant of marriage, and I’m thankful for the opportunity to be that imperfect picture.  And I’m thankful for Grace, for God’s provision in adding her to our family, and for the opportunity to see she and JT be a blessing to the world.

Rejoice With Those Who Rejoice

It was my senior year of college and my two roommates and I were all candidates for a prestigious award given by the College of Education.  The award was given to four interns in four different categories according to the grades taught.  It was awarded to the intern who seemed to have the most promise in the field of education based on his or her student teaching experience.  I was nominated for the high school category from the English department, and Emily and Ashley were able to both be nominated from the elementary department because they taught drastically different grades.  We had no idea of our chances of winning, but we knew that Emily’s competition in particular was steep.  She was up against one of those super interns who had the type of accomplishments master teachers never achieve.  Seriously, she must have dedicated all her time and passion to her semester of internship.  I have no idea when the girl found time to sleep and eat.  Emily was an outstanding intern and an even more outstanding teacher later in her career, but she was in the middle of planning a large wedding in addition to juggling the responsibilities of her intern requirements.  It was not uncommon to see her bedroom floor littered with wedding invitations, menu options, lesson plans, study materials, and Chi-fil-a takeout! 

 

Needless to say, when we got the emails about the award designations Superwoman beat out sweet, overworked Emily. I found out the results before my roommate.  She had just parked her car in the driveway.  It was late, she was tired, and as I heard the jeep door slam, I clicked open the email that revealed that Ashley and I (who weren’t up against serious competition) had won the award.  Beyond excited for myself, I ran out of the house and met Emily on the walkway.  “I won the award!” I screamed.  “Ashley did too!!” I added, and then quite rudely tacked on, “I’m so sorry; Jennifer beat you.”  I cannot think of a worse way to handle that news.  I was so excited for myself and Ashley that I didn’t consider Emily’s feelings until the words were out of my mouth.  I have a common problem of speaking before I think, and my poor roommates were more often than not the victims of my verbal vomit, but this situation took the cake.  However, what I will never forget about that night was Emily’s reaction.  Her first response was a cheer as she hugged me and celebrated with me.  Her second response was a laughing, forgiving, “I can’t believe you just told me I didn’t get that award that way!!” 

 

Today, I was reading Romans 12:15 and William Barclay’s commentary to accompany it, and the combined reading reminded me of Emily and her reaction 7 years ago. Verse 15 says “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn,” and in his commentary on the passage, William Barclay notes that it is easier to mourn with those who mourn than it is to rejoice with those who rejoice. His words rang very true.  Our hearts easily burn with sympathy when we see others enduring difficult times and situations, but it is hard to see people rejoice when we ourselves are struggling.  It is hard to put aside our own desires, and celebrate the good of others, but the times I have seen others successfully rejoice with those who rejoice, I see a beautiful picture of Christ and what it means to live in Christian love. 

 

I will never forget the way Emily responded to me in the dark driveway that night.  I will never forget the love and joy and forgiveness she offered me.  But, there are other sweet friends of mine who are awesome pictures of the scripture, too.  I have had more than one friend who have painfully waited and waited on God’s perfect timing for a baby, but I have seen them rejoice greatly and throw baby showers and celebrate at hospitals when their friends or family members have given birth.  I have another friend who desperately wants and prays to be married, but she was one of the people who was most excited for me when I got engaged, and she happily talked wedding details with me frequently in the months leading to my wedding. 

 

There is something about people who are able to rejoice with those who rejoice, and I think it has to do with allowing God’s peace to live in their hearts.  One of my friends, who is still waiting on a baby, has told me that she truly believes God has promised her and her husband a child.  She doesn’t know when his timing will come to pass (we are all praying this year!!), but I think her ability to dwell on his promise to her and live in the peace of the knowledge that he will provide allows her to be the friend who rejoices with others in their pregnancies.  I admire her.  And, from her, I have learned that the trick to rejoicing with others is to believe that God is working all things together for good.  His ways are not our ways, neither are his thoughts our thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9), but they are for our good, and when we rest on his power, we have the strength needed to rejoice with others.