Identity Crisis

My students ALWAYS “have” to leave the classroom.  These are some of the excuses I heard this week:

“I HAVE to go to the bathroom, or I swear I’m going to pee on the floor.”

“I HAVE to go see Mrs. So-and-so because she has a letter that I HAVE to take home to my mom today.”

“I HAVE to go to the office to call my dad and tell him I don’t have practice today.”

“I HAVE to go get water, my throat is sooooo dry.” – said while holding neck.

“I HAVE to go get a wet paper towel because I got punched in the eye in gym – look at it.” – said while pulling down the lower lid of the eye to reveal an eyeball that looks perfectly fine to me.

 

And all of these things HAVE to be done RIGHT NOW!  I have to admit that I am not the teacher that lets my students roam the hallway.  Call your dad about practice?  No, text him right now.  Pee on the floor?  Yeah right, but ok give me a bathroom pass.  Throat so dry?  I feel your pain - so is mine.  Punched in the eye?  It looks fine to me.  Mrs. So-and-so?  No way am I letting you interrupt her class. 

 

Though I have few students leaving the room, I do occasionally let them go do what they “have” to do – like Mr. Pee on the Floor who used one of his two quarterly bathroom passes.  When they leave the room, I follow the school procedures and sign a pass for them to be in the hallway.  The process at MPHS is the same as the one I used at FCHS, so when kids bring me their planner to initial, it comes as second nature to do what I’ve done for five years and quickly scribble “SV.”  I have not signed a planner correctly all year. 

 

This perceived identity crisis doesn’t only come with scribbling my initials.  I still can’t get used to the kids calling me “Mrs. Speight,” and when one accidentally called me “Ms. Vaughn” a few weeks ago (because that is the name he had seen on his summer schedule), I didn’t blink an eye and probably wouldn’t have noticed had he not turned red and apologized.  I can also count at least 3 times in the past two weeks that I have either introduced myself as “Shannon Vaughn” or stopped just short of “Vaughn” to stutter “Speight” instead. 

 

I had a friend who after she got married, would actively correct anyone who called her by her maiden name.  I relish in it.  When an old student sends me a message addressed, “Ms. Vaughn,” my heart smiles.  It is hard to let go of Vaughn.  And don’t even get me started on seeing “Vaughn” attached to the names of my future sister-in-laws!! It makes me feel almost as if something is being stolen from me as irrational and hilarious as that sounds.

 

Every time I work to get used to my new name, I think of the verses in Ephesians 22-24 that says, “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires, to be made new in the attitude of your minds, and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” 

 

The verses sound so pretty and perfect.  You decide to follow Christ and you are immediately a new creature following a new way of life.  Interestingly, God sometimes changed the names of people to reflect their commitment to him.  Think of Saul who became Paul at his conversion or Simon who became Peter when he professed that Jesus was the Messiah, the Son of God.  However, neither of these men was made perfect at his conversion.  Peter denied Jesus at the cross, and Paul says in Romans 7:18, “For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.”

 

I was approximately 5 years old when I became a Christian.  I don’t remember having a “former” way of life.  The only life I really remember is the life I have in Christ, so I don’t remember a radical change and a big struggle associated with it.  Since becoming married, though, I think I have a better understanding of what it means to have a sinful nature living in me.

 

You see, I often feel a draw to be “Shannon Vaughn” again, and when I’m not actively reminding myself that my last name has changed, I am “Shannon Vaughn” to the new people I meet or to the student planners I sign.  I was laughing with my mom about this struggle, and she told me that she has been married so long that she can’t imagine introducing herself as “Chris Coggins” – her maiden name.  Her comment reminded how a relationship with Christ will impact our sinful natures.  We are all going to struggle with the things we struggled with before we were made new in Christ, and because we were born into sin, we all have those temptations regardless of what age we became a Christian.  I feel pulled to gossip, be prideful, be judgmental, be unloving, and a host of other sins.  But, the longer I am “married” to Christ, the longer I remain in him and the deeper our relationship, the less and less I will struggle with my sinful nature.  I will begin to see myself as a “new person” in him and my “old person” will fade away more and more.

 

You know something else, though, that I am also realizing?  Becoming new takes practice and self control.  I won’t start signing student planers appropriately until I stop working on autopilot and actively practice “SS” every time one is placed in my hands.  I won’t stop introducing myself as “Shannon Vaughn” until I’ve had a lot of experiencing introducing myself as “Shannon Speight.”  Habits don’t become habits until they are well practiced, and once well practiced they are hard to break (or replace!).  The same is true with overcoming sin.  Because of my sinful nature and habits, I am naturally pulled to gossip, for example.  I won’t break that habit until I’ve practiced not gossiping, and the only way to practice is to encounter a situation when I’d be pulled to gossip and restrain myself.  I think God allows temptations because he wants us to grow stronger and develop new habits to become a “new self.”  As such, temptations shouldn’t be viewed as stumbling blocks but as opportunities for growth.  We should be thankful for them.  We should adopt the mindset of James, Jesus’s brother, who says, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:2-4).

 

I look forward to the day that I have been with Andy so long and love him so much that I can’t imagine myself as anyone other than “Shannon Speight,” but more than that I can’t wait for the day that I have been with Jesus so long and love him so much that I can’t imagine returning to the call of my sinful nature.