So….a few weeks ago I had my first lesson on Biblical
submission, and let me tell you, it sure wasn’t easy. On the flip side, though, it taught me a lot
about Andy and more about God, and in the end, I’m thankful for this
opportunity to grow in the Lord and in my marriage.
My lesson came in the middle of preparing documents for a
house closing. For the record, I am
definitely praising Jesus that this house is selling, but I don’t believe any
other single event has taught me more about how far I have to go towards being
the Christian God has called me to be. On
the positive side: the amount of blogging material I’ve gotten out of this
ordeal!!
The story is long, but the short of it is that it was 8:30
pm on a Wednesday night, which in the Speight household is late at night. Andy and I were both exhausted and stressed,
but we still had a long list “to dos” related to selling my house. In addition, both of us had activities that
we had scheduled for that night and really wanted to be doing instead. I had a Bible study meeting that I’d been
forced to skip in order to be free to sign documents with a notary, and he had
an intermural game at 9:30 for a team he coached. Instead of doing what we wanted to do, we
were sitting at the kitchen table trying to make a decision about how to handle
a specific issue and disagreeing on the method.
As I sat listening to his point of view, I can’t describe
the conflicting emotions pulling around inside me. I have always believed in Biblical
submission. I’ve talked about it for
years in various Bible studies. I know
that some women really struggle with the concept, but my mom could not have been
a better role model in that area of her walk with Christ and relationship with
my dad, so I know deeply that submission does not equal weakness. I believe passionately that God created men
to be the leaders in the family and that God made no mistake when he included
Ephesians 5:22 and Colossians 3:18 in scripture. I believe he created wives to
be helpers, and Andy and I have had several conversations about what that
behavior can look like in our marriage.
In fact, during our kitchen table conversation, I could vividly hear a
myself saying (only a few months ago), “Andy, you’ll have to hold me
accountable to support your leadership in our home because I’m stubborn, and I
am used to doing things my way, but regardless of how I act, I truly want to
help you be the leader in our family.”
I’m not a crier, but in overwhelming emotional situations, I
give in. Hearing my own voice (or God’s??)
remind me that I wanted to support Andy’s leadership in our home, but faced
with the reality that supporting his leadership would mean making a decision
directly opposite to what I wanted, pushed me straight to tears. I was frustrated with Andy and frustrated
with the knowledge that not supporting him would directly oppose everything
I’ve said I believe about marriage. To
make matters worse, my husband was being the most Godly example of Christian
love he could be. You should know that
Andy hates conflict and is inclined to do all in his power to avoid it, and
left to his own devices, he would allow me to have my way every time in our
marriage. I know that being the leader
in our family isn’t easy for him and is something that he is praying God will
help him do, so watching him calmly and lovingly stand his ground on the issue
before us did not help my inner turmoil.
On the one hand, I had to admire his strength, and I was proud of him
for making a decision that was clearly thoughtful and wise. On the other hand, I still wanted my
way! In the end, I agreed to follow his
leadership mostly because I knew I couldn’t keep preaching submission if I was
willing to practice it.
This is the part where you are expecting me to say how
wonderful I felt immediately after agreeing with him, aren’t you? I wish I could, but honestly, that wonderful,
peaceful feeling didn’t come. Instead, I
only felt mentally and physically exhausted.
That night as we went to bed, I couldn’t help crying again and telling
Andy how frustrated I was with myself. I
knew that I had made a godly decision in following his leadership, and in the
most rational part of my brain, I even knew that his decision was probably a
better course of action than mine would have been, BUT I still wanted my
way. To add insult to injury, my less
than loving feelings in the matter made me feel only worse about myself! What kind of Christian was I if I couldn’t
lovingly and gracefully and peacefully follow my husband’s leadership? What did it say about my walk with the
Lord? I couldn’t help hearing 1 Peter
3:3-5 playing in my head like a broken record.
It says, “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as
elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self,
the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in
God’s sight. For this is the way the
holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own
husband.” Let me tell you, I wasn’t
feeling very beautiful.
I tossed and turned most of the night, and finally got up
around 5:15. Did I mention I have put my
quiet time back in the mornings? There
is no other way for me. So, I groggly
dragged myself to meet with the Lord and laid the situation right at his feet. He brought me immediately to Philippians 3
and spoke to me about several situations in my life, but especially my battle
with submission. He showed me
Philippians 3:8 which says, “What is more, I consider everything a loss because
of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have
lost all things. I consider them
garbage, that I may gain Christ.” Then
the Lord spoke quietly to my soul that submitting to Andy has nothing to do
with Andy and everything to do with the Lord.
You see, I didn’t want to submit to Andy because I was
prideful and arrogant believing my way was best. He was asking me to take a course of action
that was contrary to my personality, and I felt like I was sacrificing some
kind of core belief about who I am to follow his lead. But you know what? The verses I read showed me that I do the
same thing when I try to follow the Lord.
I will willingly put myself under the Lord’s leadership when it works
for me, when we are on the same page so to speak, but when he asks me to walk
away from sinful indulgences, I balk. I
resist out of fear of letting go of what I love or losing part of who I think I
am. You want to know the truth? I am nothing without Christ. Whatever I am finding my significance in
(job, friends, family, spouse, personality), it is all garbage compared
to knowing Christ. That is easy to say
but hard to live.
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