Doesn't Work Well With Others

As a child, I was terribly shy.  I don’t remember having a friend at school until I was in the fifth grade.  When teachers completed my report cards, I bet they were never able to check the box that said “works well with others.”  By the time I made it to high school, I had several friends and was much more social, but I still preferred to work alone when it came to school projects and assignments.  I was never good at all the necessary parts of working with a group – coordinating work schedules, taking the ideas of others into consideration, compromising my vision. 

 

In college, I took the “doesn’t work well with others” trait to a new extreme when I took a 4 hour chemistry class.  Everyone was required to take 8 hours of science, and if you took this particular chemistry class, you could achieve your science requirement and only have to take one lab.  It was the only 4 hour science class on the books.  Seeing as how I hated labs (and the dreaded lab partner!) and liked chemistry, it was a perfect fit for my schedule.  On the first day of class, I found out that it was also a popular fit for all the football players on campus who also wanted to avoid taking four science classes and saw chemistry as the easy way out.  A room full of athletes would have been no problem for me if the professor had not also announced on the first day of class that all assignments would be completed in a pre-assigned group.  In his defense, he probably figured that four football players were better than one, and that the boys had a better chance of passing the class if they could work together on the four assignments that would, with the final exam, make up our grade for the class.  I saw the writing on the wall (and my grade sinking like a brick in the sea), and I quickly rounded my group of stinky, burly 19 year olds and told them I would do all four assignments if they would let me work alone.  I agreed to put their name on each paper, and everyone was happy.  We made an A in chemistry.   

 

I know my actions in that chemistry class were not ethical or right, and I’m sure my super honest husband is having a cow as he reads this blog, but doesn’t that story perfectly illustrate how bad I am at working with others?  I will say that with the development of professional learning communities and common planning, I am beginning to work very well with others professionally, but in my personal life, I still struggle greatly.

 

Recently, I was in a situation where I was working with a group to accomplish a common goal, and I saw every bad trait I have come boiling to the surface.  As a good, Southern girl, I put on a great big smile, did my assigned part, and only those closest to me (namely, my sweet husband) saw the ugliness.  My attitude promoted a discussion between us about why I reacted as I did and how I might change.  The conclusion was that the real issue I have with group work is that more often than not, I believe my way is right.  And heaven help if I’ve already accomplished the task at hand, then my attitude is, “I’ve done this all before, and I know the perfect way to handle it.”  Planning a baby shower?  Drop in, breakfast food, Saturday morning.  Planning a bridal shower?  A couple’s barbeque, Friday night, guests bring money for the honeymoon.  Teaching a standard class?  Structure, routine, relationship building. Planning a group vacation for friends?  Beach house, good food, a little shopping.  See, I bet you are stealing ideas already right?  I’m so PERFECT at this planning stuff!!  Oh wait, that is the pride coming through….

 

I don’t work well with others because of that little (ok, big) sliver of pride you see rearing its ugly head in that last paragraph.  And that sin spills over into individual relationships, too.  There are times when to be a good friend or wife or family member, I have to sacrifice my attitude of “I would never do it that way” (which also has the extreme connotation of “What a BAD idea!!”) for the good of the person and the good of the relationship.  Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”  I was reading that scripture this morning, and it occurred to me that in most of my areas of struggle, the possibility of living at peace with people IS completely possible and within my power, but I hold on to my pride, my idea of rights, and my selfishness over the relationship at hand.  Now, I was “raised right” as you might say, so most of the time the other person involved has no idea our relationship isn’t peaceful.  Take those generic situations that bring the “my way is the right way” beast into the picture: The mother-in-law wants to cook fish for Thanksgiving, and she is super excited about it; the church group wants to take camping retreat and the great outdoors is not my friend; the best friend picked out the ugliest bridesmaid dress I have ever seen.  In all of those scenarios (which have actually never happened to me, by the way – I can see the faces of my married friends as they wonder if their dress was the ugliest!!), I would take the “grin and bear it” route, but on the inside, I’d be resentful and annoyed. 

 

In the New Year, I want this one area of my life to change.  I WANT to feel peace in times when I go along with an action that is contrary to my own desires.  I want to be humble and loving and kind and gentle.  Romans 12 and William Barclay offer some very practical advice for achieving such a “renewed state of mind” (Romans 12:2).  Verse 10 says “Be devoted to one another in love.  Honor one another above yourselves.”  Barclay explains the verse by saying that “there is enough natural instinct in most of us to want others to recognize our rights; but Christians have no rights – they have only duties.”  My desire to do things my way is natural in the sinful condition in which I live, but it isn’t godly.  Andy made a similar point when he also told me, “You need to remember how much forgiveness and grace God has given you.  Who are you not to give that to others?”

 

Praise God that even though I am making such imperfect progress, he still speaks to me and quietly urges me to the right path.  Recently, I was reflecting on some of the ways I struggle with other people, and I kept hearing him say “Do not be overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:21).  I think this verse goes hand-in-hand with Ephesians 6:12, “Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”  When I struggle with other people, sometimes they may be purposely trying to make my day bad, but most of the time, they aren’t.  Most of the time they are like me and simply want things done their own way.  And regardless of their intentions (either good or bad), the individual using the situation to create anger and sin in my heart is Satan.  Satan knows my pride is a weakness, so anytime he sees a situation where things aren’t going my way, he is quick to whisper words in my ear, “You see what they are doing?  They have no respect for you.  They are so ungrateful and selfish.  You would never act that way.”  When I give consideration to those whispered thoughts, the result is more pride, more barriers, and less love.  Satan gets his way because he loves nothing more than to see lack of unity among believers.  Lack of unity waters down the gospel and makes all of us less effective for the Lord.

 

I don’t want to be this person anymore.  No one is more unhappy than me when I obsess about why my way is better.  Most of the time, no one even knows I am annoyed and obsessed because I do know how to be outwardly graceful.  This year, I want to be inwardly graceful but that change will only come with God’s power.  It comes by offering my body as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God (Romans 12:1).  It comes by not being conformed to the pattern of this world but being transformed by the renewing of my mind (Romans 12:2).  It comes by thinking about things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8).  It comes by considering others better than myself (Philippians 2:3).  It comes by remembering how much has been sacrificed for me and being willing to sacrifice for others.

 

In Philippians 2, Paul explains to the church why Timothy is superior to the other workers he has on hand.  He says in verses 20-21, “I have no one else like him, who will show genuine concern for your welfare.  For everyone else looks out for their own interests, not those of Jesus Christ.”  Isn’t it interesting how caring for the welfare of the church members was the same as looking after the interests of Jesus?  In 2013, I want to become a Timothy.  At the end of the year, I want someone who knows me well (hopefully my husband who sees it all!!) to say of me, “I know no one like Shannon.  Everyone else looks after their own interests, but she looks after the interests of Christ.”