Note: I am falling behind in writing lately, and when I logged in, I noticed my last post - I would definitely say "love" is a concept God has been talking to me about lately!! Obviously, I need a lot of instruction to get it right.
I went to a baby shower last night for one of my
best friends in Charlotte, Jacquie. I
have not seen her since she has been pregnant, and now she is only a month from
her due date. She is adorable!! All baby and seriously glowing with
happiness. It was such a joy to
celebrate with her and anticipate the coming of her new baby girl. Jacquie is not my only friend expecting a
baby this spring. My roommate of 4 years
from college, Ashley, is welcoming a baby girl in May, and my sweet nephew will
be born to my brother, JT and his wife, Gracey, in April.
I look at these beautiful pregnant ladies, and it
seems crazy to me that a year ago, I was in their shoes. I was so close to my due date and filled with
all the emotions that brings – anticipation, excitement, nervousness, a little
fear! What a wild ride this year has
been. On the way home, I had over an
hour in the car to think about how my world has changed in such a short amount
of time, and I think more than anything about this past year, learning about
love has been the most wonderful blessing I’ve experienced. A mother’s love is truly a feeling unlike any
other. With all the other people I love
in my life, I have some expectations for them.
To some degree, my love is probably conditional. My feelings for them ebb and flow based on
where we are in our relationship. I think
that is ok. Learning that love is often
a choice more than a feeling, is a blessing in these other relationships I
have.
But with Daniel it is different. I love him simply because he is mine. My love for him has nothing to do with what
he does or doesn’t do. In some
milestones, he is more advanced. In
others, he is slower. And I don’t
care. I rejoice in who he is. I am proud of the small things he does –
like learning to clap – and because of my love, I am patient with the places
where he is learning. I honestly can’t
think of anything he could do to make me stop loving him.
I think that the Lord has used my first steps of
motherhood to teach me about how he sees me.
I am a doer. I am a people
pleaser. I want to be liked. This is who I am. I think I have viewed my relationship with
the Lord so similarly to how I view my relationship with other people. I have felt like I have to do certain things
to be a “good” Christian and be in God’s favor.
In my head, I know he loves me no matter what, but I think I felt like
the degree to which he liked me was determined by what I was doing or not
doing.
Recently, I have been having a hard time keeping up
with my quiet times. I have also not
really looked forward to going to church, and I’ve become increasingly aware of
some perpetual areas of sin in my life.
The combination has made me feel overwhelmed and just like a huge
failure as a Christian. It has been hard
to see the good in myself and imagine how the Lord might ever be able to use
me. I know that may seem dramatic, but
if you knew my heart, I think you’d understand.
My heart has just been looking ugly.
But gradually, as I’ve learned more about love, I’ve
heard the Lord quietly whispering, “I love you. I love you because you are
mine. You are not a failure.” Last
night, as I drove home, the Lord brought this verse from Zephaniah to my mind: “The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior
who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer
rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” This verse sounds like how I love
Daniel. I take great delight in
him. No matter what our day has been
like, I can rejoice over him. He is
beyond special to me, and there is nothing he has to do to earn my love.
I think this is God’s message for
us. No matter where we have been. No matter how ugly we see our hearts. No matter what terrible thing we have done or
are doing. He is our daddy. He rejoices in us. He takes great delight in us. I think what I’m really learning about God
(not just in my head – but in my heart) is that he is not keeping a record of
what we are doing right and what we are doing wrong. He is not a teacher – which is how I think I’ve
always seen him. I think I’ve seen him
evaluating me – accepting my improvements and ready to work on my short
comings. But that is wrong. That is not how God sees me. God sees me like I see my son (and to an even
greater extent as he is a perfect parent).
He sees me through a lens of love.
And that changes everything.
“Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for he is
gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents
from sending calamity.” – Joel 2:13
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