“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." 1 Peter 4:8
It is November 2020. Division,
high emotions, sickness, frustration seem to dominate our world right now. Scrolling social media just makes me sad –
all across the board – and sometimes seeing just one fun, playful post (like a
friend’s brown lab dressed as a S’more for Halloween) can bring me a smile for
days. There is something about a sweet
doggy s’more that reminds me that better days will come, all is not gloom and doom,
and even in the middle of hard things, God is with us and He is for us.
November also has a way of reminding me of God’s provision. Last November, Andy and I were just entering
a season with a very sick Joshua. A cold
in November turned into a very scary pneumonia in December, and even now, our
doctor has advised us to stay extra careful with him through COVID. Winter 2019 was a tough season for me
personally, but it is was also a season where I could see so much beauty in
hard times. Our community surrounded us
with love in ways that spoke to one of the highest callings Christ gives his
church – to love one another. Today, I
wanted to remember all the ways our family felt so loved last year at this
time. It is a post I have wanted to
write simply to remember how blessed we were, but it is also something that may
be timely as we put political and personal opinions aside and figure out how to
support our people this year.
So, here is a list of all the things that quickly come to
mind (I know there are more!) that people did when we were in the hospital with
Joshua that were so helpful. Some of
these would never work if a loved one was battling COVID, but some would, and
some could be adapted.
1.
Prayer.
The absolute best and biggest way people helped was by praying. Knowing that people were praying gave me such
a great comfort. Sometimes all I had the
energy to do was stand over Joshua’s bed and say “Jesus” over and over. I know I will mark that season as the time
when I truly felt the power of the name “Jesus.” Knowing that other people were saying the
words I didn’t have the energy to say was so comforting. Also, I had some friends who prayed with me
and that was the most encouraging. My
friend Erin is amazing about texting the prayers she is praying and some
friends prayed to my voicemail. Also, I
think sometimes we desperately want to share words of encouragement, but saying,
“I am praying!” is honestly enough. If
you want to take it one step further, my brother found a verse that he prayed
for Joshua and texted the scripture to me with the words “I’m praying this for
you guys.”
2.
Text. Even
if I didn’t reply, having people text that they were thinking of us and praying
was amazing. I always silenced my texts
if I didn’t want the interruption, so they were never a bother and always an
encouragement. It was even better when
people said, “Don’t worry about replying.
I just wanted you to know I am praying.”
3.
Food. Is
it a southern thing that people bring food in droves for any kind of
hardship? Possibly, but it is still one
of the best ways we were helped. When
Joshua got sick, my sister-in-law Alley was the first person to rally. Her family lives in Charlotte and her mom and
sister immediately went to Costco and stocked up on family meals that they dropped
at our house. They also brought several
magazines for me to look at in the hospital.
I can’t even describe how helpful this was – it gave Andy easy meals to
make for our other kids, and the magazines were such a good distraction from
the scary hospital environment. Later my
brother, Casey, sent meals he had prepared for our freezer, and several people
sent gift cards like Panera, Starbucks, Harris Teeter and Grubhub.
4.
Snacks. I
know this is basically food, but this is such an out of the box idea that was
so helpful. My best friends from college
got on Amazon Fresh and sent me a ton of snacks for the hospital, and even
included some special treats for my big kids.
They know me – I don’t eat in times of stress. So they knew getting me to eat a full meal
might be a stretch. But they sent a ton
of healthy, easy “grab and go” options, and I honestly cried when I stood in my
pantry on my first trip home and realized I didn’t need to go to the grocery
store. I could grab a snack size hummus
and a bag of pretzels and have my lunch packed.
The hospital room had a fridge, so I stocked it with what they gave, and
it allowed me to stay with Joshua and still eat a little each day.
5.
Errand running. I am not one to ever ask for
help, so it still shocks me that I mentioned to my sister in law that I needed
to get my Christmas cards from Staples.
Honestly, I think one thing that helped is that Alley reached out to me
so early in the process that the shock of what was happening caused me to
actually say the things we needed. My
mind was still racing and scattered, and somehow I mentioned those cards, and
she immediately saw the need and jumped on it.
She got her mom and sister to pick up my cards, and they even offered to
address and mail them for me!! I ended
up doing that part (and it was a good distraction in the hospital), but what I
learned was to LISTEN to what your friend says.
A distracted, scattered mention is actually often a place you can fill a
need. Don’t just wait for the direct ask
for help.
6.
Childcare.
Our moms immediately offered to come and help with our big kids. This is my personality type (hello Enneagram
5!!) but I need non-pushy, “I’m here to do whatever you need,” kind of
help. Showing up and taking me by surprise,
even in a crisis, is probably never going to be successful. We asked my mom to help right away as she
works only 40 minutes from where we live.
But Andy’s mom called and said she would come at whatever point we
needed and stay for however long we asked.
She made it seem like no big deal (even though I know she had to juggle
her schedule), and she quietly helped exactly how we needed. Beyond that, we had people who offered to get
Abigail from preschool or Daniel from the bus stop. We had a local church where the kids were going
to AWANA offer to come and get our big kids and take them to church and Sunday
School so that Andy could have the morning free or so that we could switch
places at the hospital. We had only
lived in Charlotte for 6 weeks when Joshua got sick, so the local offers did
not come from people who knew us well.
My takeaway here is don’t be afraid to offer help, even if it is just a
preschool mom you know slightly. We didn’t
take anyone up on those offers, but knowing we could ask them was so
encouraging. Also, be specific. Don’t say “Let me know if you need help.” Instead think of a specific way you could
help and say that: “Please text me any time if you need me to get Abigail from
preschool. It isn’t a problem, and she
can even come play with my son after school until her dad can get her.”
7.
Cleaning.
My mom and my aunt cleaned my house one day, and Andy's mom did random odd
jobs that we had been putting off. None
of them asked me – they were there watching the kids and at nap time they just
did those things. If they had asked, I
would have said “no,” but coming home to a clean house with a few items on our
checklist complete was amazing.
8.
Hospital deliveries. We were in the hospital for almost two
weeks. I couldn’t believe the friends
who found ways to have things delivered to us.
I think most of them used the hospital gift store. Two people sent balloons, and Joshua actually
enjoyed playing with those! Those balloons
were the first things to make him smile.
My friend Kelly sent a bag of good chocolate with the words “God is in
the valley and so is chocolate.” I still
could cry thinking about her gift. And
that chocolate was one of the few things I ate while we were there. My friends Tyler and Jenn also sent an edible
arrangement to the hospital. That was
another really great gift. I’m sure some
of this is knowing your friend, but healthy options I could nibble truly were
the best for me. And I still think about
God’s kindness in that gift because the day it arrived, I was really craving
fresh fruit.
9.
Attention to older children. I think this goes somewhat to childcare, but
one way that someone really blessed us was when my friend Sara came to take
Abigail out for a special day. This
would have to be something a good friend offered to do – someone the child
would be comfortable with – but if that is your relationship to the person in
need, it is a priceless gift to the family.
Sara is one of my dearest friends, and she lives in Raleigh. She realized she had a day she could take off
work while we were in the hospital. She
offered to come at least 3 times before I said “yes.” We didn’t technically need the help with
Abigail. Daniel was in school, and Andy
was working from home, but I also knew it would be a fun day for Abigail and knowing
she was having fun made my day in the hospital with Joshua so much easier. Sara came and packed in so many fun things
with her that Abigail still mentions that day.
Sara drove almost 6 hours round trip to do it, and made it sound like it
was absolutely no big deal and stressed how happy she was to do it. She also texted me pictures throughout the
day of all they were doing. Joshua wasn’t
horribly sick long term, but if he had been, sporadic days like that where
other people helped rally to make my other children feel special would have
been one of the greatest gifts to me.
Mom guilt is a real thing and not being able to be everything everyone
needs is so hard. I’ll be forever
grateful to Sara for stepping into my shoes that day and making my girl feel
loved and special.
10.
Random hospital supplies. Something that might be nice if the hospital
room accommodates it, would be special items.
We ended up being there long enough that I asked my mom to bring me a
coffee pot. In the mornings, I would try to wake up before Joshua and run to
the cafeteria to get a cup of coffee, but it was a stressful process for me because
I worried he would wake up and be alone and scared. My coffee run only took 8 minutes (I totally
timed it!), but being able to brew my own coffee in the room was nice. Also, sheets and a blanket and pillow are
nice if the parent has a makeshift bed in the room. I used the hospital supplies at first but
ended up being more comfortable with things I brought from home. Even if all the parent has is a recliner, a
cozy blanket and nice pillow can go a long way.
Nice soap and shampoo would also be a sweet gesture if they have access
to a shower at the hospital. Flip flops
for the shower and cozy socks or slippers may also be nice for a patient or
parent going through a more extended stay.
I also ended up buying a few cosmetics to keep in the hospital room after
we had been there for a about a week – so things like face wash, lip gloss,
tinted moisturizer, extra hair ties, could also be nice in a gift basket.
11.
A drop by hello.
This one isn’t quite as special to me – surprise visits are not exactly
my thing, and interactions with people do drain me. But I will say that even I wished for a
familiar face in those first few hospital days. Andy and I took turns staying with Joshua, so
when I was there, I was alone. I’m much
better like that than surrounded by friends or family, but I remember
desperately missing Winston where we had several friends who worked at the
hospital. I remember thinking, “If I
lived in Winston, someone could just pop in with a cup of coffee and a quick
hello.” And honestly, it would not have
mattered who that someone was. It would have actually been easier if it was someone
not too emotionally invested in the whole thing because at the time, I didn’t
have the emotional resources to comfort anyone else. For example, I didn’t really want a family
member because the emotional response they triggered was tough and draining for
me, but we had a supper club friend in Winston who worked at the hospital, and
I remember thinking, “If only Phil worked here, and I could ask him to bring me
a coffee.” Someone who wouldn’t stay,
who didn’t go very far out of their way, who didn’t expect anything from me,
but who just said hello and maybe a quick prayer – that would have been
meaningful. So if you happen to work at
a hospital and know someone spending time there, don’t underestimate a quick
hello or an offer to stay with the child so the mom or dad can take a short
break.
No comments:
Post a Comment