Beauty in Loss

This picture was taken almost exactly a year ago.  Saturday night, Labor Day weekend.  I was telling Andy the news I had known for a week – we were having a second baby.  We were so happy and excited.  Always one to be nervous in the first trimester, I remember feeling peace that this pregnancy was going to go well and that God had a plan for it.  The next morning, I miscarried.

I was so upset.  Two days later, on Tuesday, I went to my first MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) meeting of the year where I was serving on the leadership team.  My job was to celebrate at the meeting any mother wishing to announce she was pregnant.  I remember walking around that meeting with a bag of chocolate, handing out Hershey bars to a few moms making announcements and painting a huge smile on my face as we tried to predict if the baby would be a boy or girl while my heart was breaking inside.  I left the meeting that morning barely holding back the tears that I finally let fall as I drove the fifteen minutes to get Daniel from preschool.

I also remember getting the most encouraging text message from my sister-in-law that afternoon.  I remember my best friends sending me cards and texts and calling to let me know they cared.  I remember, especially, listening to the song on the radio, “Just Be Held” by Casting Crowns, and even writing a blog about how it spoke to me.

This week, the song has come on the radio a few times when I’ve been in the car, and I’ve found myself thinking about it again.  My favorite part says “Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place.”  I listened to the song this year while driving my son AND my beautiful new daughter.  A daughter who would not exist had my first pregnancy continued.

Adding a second child to our home has been challenging for me, and I’ve struggled to adjust to a new normal.  It has been hard to again experience sleepless nights and the incessant demands of a newborn while balancing the needs and desires of a very active two year old.  It has been kind of like getting married again – we are all in love with our new little member, but we are also all learning how to live with each other, and that part isn’t always easy. 

But, this week, I have found myself thinking that I couldn’t imagine life without Abigail.  She has gradually worked her way into the fabric of our family.  Every time she wakes up from a long nap and sees me, she gives me the biggest smiles.  When she is crying, she calms almost instantly when I pick her up.  She loves to hear her daddy’s voice, and she is fascinated by her big brother.  Daniel points to her several times a day and says, “That’s my baby Abby.  That’s my baby sister.”  He loves her so much, and she clearly admires him. 

Gradually, my world is falling into place, and I’m feeling especially reflective this Labor Day holiday as I think that a year ago it felt like everything was falling apart.  I don’t know all of God’s purposes in our miscarriage, but I know that through it all, he was always on his throne and not for a moment did he leave us.  I also know to be true what I knew a year ago – even when I can’t see what he is doing, I know that in all things God is working for my good and his glory.  I’m so thankful for the life of my Abigail Joy – a life that came on the heels of heartache, and I can’t wait to see all God has planned for her.  This Labor Day, I find myself thankful for a loss that brought me closer to my Lord, and I’m especially thankful for his blessing in our sweet baby girl.