Goodbye 2019

Just to illustrate what I'm working with... 

We have friends in Clemmons who have a tradition of praying with their kids on the way to school.  They talk about the day, pray for any needs the kids have, and pray for other people.  It is always described as a special and meaningful time to talk about the Lord on the drive to school and to build a tradition of prayer with their kids.  So, of course, learning from these slightly older and wiser friends, Andy and I stole the tradition for our family.  Andy did the morning school run in Clemmons on his way to work, and as far as I know, morning prayer time went great.

Fast forward to October and we move to Charlotte.  I pick up the morning school run about half the time to allow Andy to beat Charlotte traffic and get into the office on time.  This is inevitably how morning prayer time looks when I initiate it:

S: Ok, we are all going to say some prayers for our day. I want you to think of one person you can pray for that you will be with today and one prayer you want to pray for yourself.  Daniel, you start.

D: I don’t want to pray.  I don’t like to pray.

S: Well, you are praying so just be thinking.  I’ll come back to you.  Abigail, who would you like to pray for?

A: I want to pray for poopy head!!  *Joshua laughs.  Daniel cracks a smile*

S: Abigail, we don’t use bathroom words outside of the bathroom.  I’m going to pray for my friend xxxx who is having a hard time at work right now.  Does that help you think of someone?

D: I am going to pray for Abigail!!!  *He knows this will cause problems.  For some reason, my kids HATE one another praying for them.*

A: NOOOOOO!!! YOU CAN’T PRAY FOR ABIGAIL!  I PRAY FOR ABIGAIL!!!!!  

D: No, I’m praying for Abigail.  Mommy said pray for someone else.  Dear God, I pray for Abigail.

S: Daniel, stop praying!  Abigail, chill out.  Daniel, you may not pray for a sibling.  Think of someone else you see today.  Maybe your teacher.  Abigail, we should consider it an honor when our siblings want to pray for us.

D: I don’t have anyone to pray for.  I’m not praying.  

A: I’m going to pray for Daniel.  God, I pray Daniel has good dreams tonight.

D: Noooo!!! *kicking the seat* You can not pray for me!!!  Mommy said no praying for siblings.  Pray for someone else. *Abigail continues to pray above his screaming*  Fine, I’m praying for you, God, please help Abigail have good dreams tonight.

J: Hungry.  Eat?

S: Ok stop!!!  Nobody pray!!  Everyone stop praying!! Stop talking.  Just forget it.  Everyone be quiet.  I’ll pray.

Y’all, please tell me I’m not the only parent who faces these uphill battles in teaching my kids spiritual disciplines.  Things that seem like very good ideas in my head do not always play out the same way when actually implemented with my somewhat contentious children.  So this New Year’s Eve, I decided I wanted to start a new tradition of actively remembering what God had done for us as a family during the year, and I knew it could go either way.

My idea was to teach them about Joshua building the monument of remembrance at the edge of the Jordan river following the Israelites’ miraculous crossing of said river (Joshua 4).  We talked about Joshua 4:7 which says, ‘So these stones shall be to the people of Israel a memorial forever,” and discussed with the kids how every time the Israelites looked at that monument, they would remember how God had taken the Israelites out of slavery and allowed them to cross both the Red Sea and the Jordan river.  

We had Daniel pick a rock out of our backyard landscaping and told the kids we were building the same kind of remembrance.  We decided to write on our rock some ways that God has been faithful to us in 2019 and put it back in the yard.  We spend a lot of time in our backyard and decided that every time we look at this garden landscaping, we would remember what God has done for our family each year (hoping many more rocks will follow this one in years to come).

Fortunately, this idea played out a little better than the morning prayer routine. The kids did have a hard time conceiving of what a year meant and came up with things like donuts or God sending Jesus to die for us, but I knew they would struggle with the fixed time I was asking about.  I knew that this year it would simply be a chance for Andy and me to discuss with them ways we had seen God move.

I have to say that as I looked at that rock, I had to fight feelings of extreme sadness.  2019 was a really, really hard year.  It started with news of the BB&T and Suntrust merger on Feb 7 and ended with Joshua’s 12 day hospital stay in December.  I think the greatest lows in our family occurred in 2019, and the greatest struggles I’ve had in my faith since my teen years also occurred in 2019.

But, as I reflect on all of that, I can also say that 2019 was one of the strongest years Andy and I had in our marriage.  We fought to stay connected with one another, to stay patient, kind, and loving as we went through major transitions.  We worked hard to reconnect when we started to feel disconnected and to be intentional about being one another’s best friend.  We definitely don’t have this perfect marriage, but this has been a year where difficulties have not been successful at driving us apart.  For that, we thank the Lord. 

In 2019, we were also surrounded by great love and encouragement.  It is such a testament to our friends and family that they have not grown weary with supporting us as we have required a great deal of support this year.  I’m not a big crier, but this past year I can’t even count the number of times I’ve broken down in tears.  In fact, toward the end of our time in Clemmons, I remember a Sunday where I sat in between Andy and one of our dear friends, Mike, at church.  Mike’s wife is one of my best friends, but she was home with sick kids that Sunday.  I made it almost to the end, but during the closing music, I just lost it and could not stop crying - devastated by the thought of leaving our beloved church family. Also during the closing music, Andy had to go to the front of the church to pray with people who came forward for prayer, so at that point it was just me sobbing beside poor Mike.  At the end of the service, I apologized to him, and Andy said, “Yeah, but she’ll do it all again next week so you might want to sit somewhere else.” Mike was quick to respond that it was just fine, and he and Taryn have not walked away from us for any step of the difficult journey this year.  In fact, they even volunteered to come to the hospital when Joshua was sick and eat with us when a prior date night we’d scheduled was sabotaged by the hospital stay.

They are simply one example of the countless ways that our people have been with us this year.  I can’t remember a year where I have been more heartbroken but simultaneously felt so loved.

2019 has also been a year where God has been so close.  There is a Bible verse that says God is close to the brokenhearted.  This year I have lived that truth.  I can’t begin to understand all that God is doing, but I know that He has not left me and will not leave me.  The way to Charlotte was paved so clearly with so many “God moments” it gives me chills to think of them all.  

And then, God capped off my year with this sweet miracle:  Joshua being in the hospital led to so much prayer that it blows my mind when I continue to hear of the people who have prayed for him - people who didn’t even know us, but had a connection to our family in some way.  If that alone isn’t the love of Christ, I don’t know what is.  But this particular story still gives me chills.  My dad had shared about Joshua with his cousin, Ebbie, and asked him to pray.  Ebbie definitely knows me and is a solid Christian.  He was working with a group of men on a job site, and knew this group of men to be solid in their faith. He asked if they would pray for his cousin’s grandson, Joshua.  As the men prayed, one man said, “I have the feeling that we should also pray for Shannon.”  Ebbie had not mentioned my name to the men, and they didn’t know me.  Only the Holy Spirit could’ve supplied my name to that gentleman.  My mom texted me that story on the absolute worst day in the hospital.  It was a day when I was beginning to panic, and I felt helpless to know how to advocate for Joshua.  Meanwhile, his doctors were doing all they said they could do, but he inexplicably wasn’t getting better - and was, in fact, getting worse.  In my mom’s text, I heard God whisper, “See, I haven’t forgotten you.  My eye is on you and it’s on Joshua too, and even though some parents on this pediatric floor are facing even harder things, that doesn’t mean what you are facing doesn’t matter to me.  It matters and you matter.”

I think that is what I’ll carry away from 2019.  It was a hard year.  But through it all, I can leave it knowing that I matter to the Lord.  There might be a lot happening, even now, that I don’t like or don’t understand, but God has not lost control.  He steadily holds the reins, and he knows where we are going and what plans he has even though I don’t.  And he cares.  He cares enough to give my name to a group of men in the middle of their work day so that they could pray for me.  

Tonight, I am making a “fancy” kid friendly dinner - if such a thing exists with toddlers!  And we plan to eat in our dining room by candlelight and discuss how we hope to see God move in 2020 (part 2 of Shannon’s new New Year tradition!!). I definitely hope 2020 is easier than 2019, but I know that no matter what, if I’m looking for it, I will see God move - perhaps even in the most unexpected ways.

“Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations forever and ever. Amen” Ephesians 3:20