So, my favorite summer show, The Bachelorette, comes on tonight.
Chris Harrison was actually right for once – this has been “the most
dramatic season ever.” If you haven’t
been following, let me catch you up quickly:
The Bachelorette this season is Desiree.
Of the 25 guys she has met, Brooks has been her front runner from the
beginning. Last night – in the first
part of the season finale – he told her that he wasn’t sure he loved her and
was ready to propose. She was
heartbroken, and the audience was led to believe that the season ends unhappily
for her. I guess we’ll find out the
truth tonight in the second part of the finale.
People seem shocked that Brooks could get to that point in
the show and not be ready to propose, and you honestly can’t help but feel
badly for Desiree. However, a blog I
follow called Simply Sincere wrote about how shows like The Bachelorette are ruining our view of romance. The post was excellent, and you can read it
here. I think she is right. Brooks and Desiree had a very emotional
breakup last week all because they expect that he should love her and should be
ready to marry her after knowing her for only six weeks AND having two (maybe
three) individual dates with her. Brooks
talked to his mom and sister about his struggle, and while I’m sure their
entire conversation was not aired, what the TV audience didn’t see in any of
the conversations was someone saying, “You are not crazy for not being
sure! It has only been SIX weeks AND you
have not even had an exclusive relationship.
At this point, you’d probably be crazy if you thought you COULD propose.” I was actually thinking “Finally someone is
taking this ‘getting engaged’ thing seriously!”
I also wished that I was the big sister in the room so I could give
Brooks my advice.
I’m good at being a big sister. Just ask my brothers – I bet they’d say my
advice is spot on, though in full disclosure they’d probably agree it is more
helpful when it is solicited than when it isn’t, so I guess this blog is hit or
miss. Nevertheless, I’m going to use today’s
post to be the big sister and give the unsolicited advice that someone might
appreciate. If Brooks had come to me
asking how he should know if he is ready to get married these would be my
answers:
1. If you have to ask if you’re ready, you aren’t ready. I think it is normal to have some fears about
marriage, but if you are asking whether you are ready, you have some doubts
that are too serious to ignore – take some more time. Or, if the relationship has already lasted
some crazy amount of time (think 5-6 years), it might be time to breakup. Don’t string someone along. That isn’t fair to either of you.
2. Make the decision with your head more than your
heart. I hate those lines like, “You
just know. You’re soul mates. You complete each other. He/She is your everything.” Gag me.
That is lust, people, not lasting marriage-type love. Instead, answer these questions: Do you have
the same religious views? Do you have
the same views about family and work and the balance between the two? Do you agree about money – how it should be
saved, how it should be spent, how you should give? Do you want the same amount of children? Do you communicate in a complimentary
way? Do you have the same views about
commitment and divorce? Are you
committed to putting God first and each other second? For the record, if each partner is looking to
the other to complete them or be their everything, the marriage is already on
shaky ground. You should each be looking
to the Lord to give you that kind of fulfillment. It is too much pressure to feel like you have
to complete another person or satisfy them in ways that only the Lord can
satisfy.
3. Consider your friendship.
I’m not a big fan of all those people on The Bachelor/Bachelorette talking about how they are looking for
their best friend because I think the line is becoming a bit trite, but there
is also a good measure of truth in it.
Don’t get being best friends mixed up with completing each other, but do
consider whether this is a person you can enjoy being around. If you had to move to some foreign city
together and you had no other friends, could you enjoy being only with your
husband or wife? Believe it or not,
married people don’t just hang out in bed all day, so passion and romance
cannot be the bulk of the relationship.
Do you enjoy doing things friends do?
Hiking, running, cooking, serving, dancing, traveling, watching
movies. Look for shared interests and
make sure that in the day to day, you’ll have fun together.
4. Get to know each other well. If Brooks were my brother, I’d tell him that
he doesn’t know Desiree well enough at this point to know whether they can be
married. He might know the answers to
the questions in #2 and he might know that they can be friends, but another
part of knowing if you are ready to get married is being able to understand the
other person – and allowing them to understand you. Relationships need time. You need to see how your potential spouse
talks to waitresses and children and the cable guy and his/her parents and
grandparents. You need to see that he or
she can show respect to anyone in any situation. You need to see how he/she responds to times
of stress or sadness or sickness. And
how he/she interacts with your friends or your family. You don’t want to marry the person who is
awesome around you and a total jerk to other people because in the long run,
your life will be full of other people.
It will be difficult for you if you always feel pulled between your
spouse and your family or friends.
5. Pray, pray, pray.
Committing to one person for the rest of your life is insane. Honestly, it is. I don’t know how people do it without prayer
and hearing from God. Life can change so
quickly, and in twenty years, neither of you will probably be the same people
you were when you got married. We don’t
know what obstacles and struggles life will bring, and if I had not had total
peace after much prayer that Andy was the person God had planned for me, I don’t
think I would have been able to commit to him.
Don’t enter marriage without peace from the Lord, because I believe that
having known that peace will sustain you, and when times are difficult, you’ll
know you’ll make it because God knit you together.
I love marriage and what it means, but it is an enormous,
scary decision. I hope Brooks makes the right one tonight. Honestly, I’d love it for him and Desiree and
the rest of America if he will tell her he isn’t ready for marriage, but he is
ready to date. Maybe for once we’ll end
that show on the right track!
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