Forget about Likes and Dislikes

Me and one of my favorite classes - FCHS Class of 2012

School starts back in two weeks.  I have tried to forget about how quickly my summer is coming to an end, but with everyone asking, “When do you go back to work?” I’ve been forced to look at the calendar.  I’m not ready I have to admit.  Probably because I have something of a love-hate relationship with my job.  In some ways, I am really passionate about teaching.  Today, I had breakfast with a friend who is also a teacher, and I got to ranting about an issue where I felt underprivileged children were being overlooked in school.  It was an issue that made me feel unbelievably angry because I care so much about the kids I teach, but then on the way home, I called another teacher friend and caught myself discussing “dream jobs” with her and how I’d like to get out of the classroom.  You see, the really weird thing is that on one hand, I don’t actually love teaching, and if I thought I could get another job making a similar salary, I’d be gone.  But on the other hand, I care tremendously about my students, can’t imagine my life not surrounded by teenagers, and know for sure God called me to this career.  The conflicting emotions make me feel crazy, but they are sentiments echoed by many teachers I know.

 

Regardless of whether my feelings are normal, I still have moments when I feel frustrated that the Lord has put me in education.  When I was in high school and college, I KNEW God called me to teach.  I mean 100% knew it.  I loved my education classes in college, but when I ended up in student teaching, I wasn’t so in love.  I did well, and I did like some of it, but even then, I remember thinking, “Oh no, what have I done?”  In my first couple years teaching, I remember really wanting to get out, but I also remember thinking, “I’m not going to quit this job until I know I’m good at it and I choose to leave.  I’m not leaving because I can’t hack it.”  That attitude got me through the first two years, and by year three, I knew that if I left, I would be leaving because I wanted to leave and not because the kids or the job itself was too much for me to handle. However by year three, I was also a year away from paying back my scholarship and then I was getting married, and overall, it just hasn’t made sense to leave education.  There are moments when I’ll pray that God will open up another type of job or give me wisdom about leaving the field, but the truth is that every time I’ve prayed those prayers, I think he tells me to stay.  I don’t think I’ll retire in education – I think God has at least promised me that he won’t make me stay in the classroom for 24 more years – but I am starting to appreciate the lessons I’m learning until God puts me somewhere else.

 

One lesson I think the Lord is teaching me is that it is not all about me.  I’ve been spending a fair amount of time in Romans 12 this year.  One of the sections in that chapter talks about using the gifts God has given us for his glory.  Teaching is specifically mentioned.  The passage says, “We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us.  If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach.”  The passage goes on to list several more gifts like encouraging, giving, leading, and showing mercy.  In each instance, the scripture basically says that if you’ve been given a gift, you should use it.  I love how it doesn’t say, “What do you like to do?  If you like to do it, then do it.”  Instead, the scripture says if God has blessed us with a certain type of gift, it is our responsibility to use it.  The scripture reminds me of one of my favorite quotes by George Bernard Shaw which says, “Forget about likes and dislikes.  They are of no consequence.  Just do what must be done.  This may not be happiness, but it is greatness.” According to the Bible, doing what must be done is using the gifts God has given.  I know he has gifted me with the ability to teach because, regardless of how I feel, I am good at my job, and I actually do like teenagers.  Following the Lord is not all about me.  It is about catching his vision and doing it.  It is about being faithful regardless of personal feelings.  It is about knowing that how I feel is not nearly as important as how I am living and who I am serving.

 

I also think I’m beginning to understand that even though I’m serving my students in my job, I’m also being served in ways that are so subtle I’ve almost missed them.  I was thinking about the ways my job has served me when I was reading Judges yesterday.  Judges 3:1-2 talks about the pagan nations God left around the Promised Land after bringing his people to it.  They had occupied the Promised Land for several generations and had experienced long years of peace, but they were still surrounded by other nations, and there were times when they needed to fight to keep their land.  It might have been easy for them to feel frustrated and wonder why God allowed difficult times of struggle, but verse 2 says, God “did this only to teach warfare to the descendants of the Israelites who had not had previous battle experience.”  In a world where powers were constantly rising and falling, the ability to fight was necessary.  If Israel enjoyed too many years of peace, they would lose the skills necessary to defend themselves – a death sentence in that time period.  God didn’t bring struggles to make their lives miserable, he brought struggles to make them strong and give them life.   I think the same is true about teaching.  I have learned so much in this particular job that I don’t think I would have learned otherwise. 

 

I’ve learned to advocate for students who can’t advocate for themselves.  I worked in a school full of at-risk kids for five years, and I can tell a huge difference in my mindset and the mindsets of teachers who haven’t had that experience.  I won’t lie.  It is hard to teach in a state labeled “failing” school.  It is unbelievably difficult to work yourself to death and try to keep all kids engaged and all instruction differentiated and have to justify yourself to every person from the state or the county who walks through your classroom.  It is devastating to push yourself to exhaustion trying to improve test scores and student achievement but then still find out your class is only 50% percent proficient on state exams or that only six out of twenty kids have made state expected growth.  I know what it is like to cry alone in my office while holding a long list of kids I have to call back to retake their exams because they were one or two points from passing.  I know what it is like to sit exhausted in a planning meeting with fellow teachers and feel hopeless and helpless when all our ideas have failed.  But you know what else I learned in that process?  I learned that every single kid matters.  I learned how to encourage and how to give pep-talks and how to be there for a kid who is crying in the hallway because she just failed her third End of Course (EOC) test in a week.  I’ve learned how to stand up to administrators on behalf of my kids and fight for them to be passed to the 10^th grade even though they haven’t passed the EOC after two years and six tries.  I know what documents to pull and how to make a case for them, and I have the courage to do it.  I know how to give hope to kids who feel hopeless and defeated.  Teaching in an at-risk school is hard – teaching in general is hard – but through it, I’ve learned what the Lord means when he says a true sacrifice is seeking justice, defending the oppressed, and taking up the cause of the fatherless (Isaiah 1:17).

 

These are not the only lessons I’ve learned in education.  I’ve learned patience and forgiveness and understanding and how to laugh when what I really want to do is crawl in a hole and cry!  I don’t know how the Lord will use what he has taught me in education in the future.  I know some of what I’ve learned – like consistency in discipline – will help tremendously whenever I become a mother, but I have to believe that he is also teaching me attitudes and skills that he can use to bless others when my career path takes me somewhere different.  So, as the school year starts back in two weeks, I have a choice to make.  I can be frustrated that I’m starting my seventh year of teaching when I thought I would get to stop after year four or I can be thankful that I’m in a place where God can use the gifts he has given me and instill in me more qualities that will prepare me for his future will.