The pastor at our church is always saying that Christians
will love God in direct proportion to how much they know they are
forgiven. It makes sense to me. The more we believe we were a hopeless cause,
the more we will appreciate the sacrifice of Christ that made us
righteous. But here is my problem: I have struggled with feeling the immensity of what the Lord has done for me. In my head, I know I’m lost without him. I know my sin. I can think of a thousand different ways that
I have disappointed God and myself. I do
understand that without him, I am nothing.
The problem is that I have always had trouble feeling what I know.
I am in a Bible Study right now with several women who just
exude absolute gratefulness for the sacrifice Jesus made. We have been sharing our testimonies over the
last couple of months, and it has been one of the best experiences of my
life. It is amazing how hearing other
people’s stories is gradually changing my understanding of God and his amazing
grace in my own. When we first started
the process, I have to say that my chief emotion was jealousy, though. I listened to woman after woman tell a story
that involved a life she had lived before Christ, a moment when she knew Jesus
was Lord, and complete change in lifestyle that left her friends or family
asking questions – giving her a chance to testify to God’s goodness in her
life.
This type of story has always made me slightly jealous
because mine is so different. I honestly
cannot remember a time when Jesus was not part of my life. I can’t really even point to a salvation
moment because I feel like I’ve always known the Lord intimately. Of course, I have a moment in third grade
where I raised my hand at church and prayed with a volunteer to have Jesus “enter
my heart,” but I have to be honest and say I believe Jesus was already in my
heart, and I had already heard the Holy Spirit talking to me. The prayer only confirmed for others what I
already knew to be true. I don’t even
have a story where I walked away from the Lord for a long period of time and he
brought me back to him in a beautiful conversion. I am so far from perfect it is unbelievable –
and I definitely know that – but my walk with Christ has, for the most part,
been gradual steps forward to the point that it is sometimes hard to explain
how I am the person I am today. He didn’t
change me in one moment. I don’t have
this perfect before and after picture. I
can only talk about change over time. I
think this type of story has made it hard for me to really know how much I have
been forgiven. It has made it difficult
for me to truly feel the right
appreciation for Jesus’s sacrifice. And
if I’m 100% honest, there have even been times when I’ve secretly thought, “I
wasn’t that hard to die for. I haven’t been that bad.”
When I was in high school and even part of college, my
secret thoughts manifested themselves in pride and judgment. I’m not sure anyone would have said I was
judgmental because I truly enjoyed people, and I was kind, but I know that, in
my heart, I was as judgmental as they come.
I looked at those people around me who were drinking excessively, doing
drugs, sleeping with their boyfriend/girlfriend, skipping church, and I felt
pride – I wasn’t as bad as they were. I
was doing the right things, and it wasn’t that hard to do the right
things. Why couldn’t everyone else just
show a little self-control?
Over the years, my pride and judgmental attitude have been
areas the Lord has chipped away. He has
allowed me to meet people from different walks of life who have helped me be
more understanding and show more grace. He
also gave me a precious relationship in college that I absolutely destroyed
because I was too prideful and full of judgment to give grace. God let me walk the complete wrong path and
lose that relationship to gradually teach me to have compassion and to let him
be God. I’m not saying that I don’t
still struggle with those sins on occasion, but I do feel that I walked into my
Bible study in Charlotte with an incredibly different outlook on other people
than I had when I was growing up.
However, I still was not at a place where I could truly see how much
Christ really did for me on the cross.
Over the past few weeks, though, these women who have
already become my closest friends in Charlotte have been sharing their stories,
and they have been speaking right to my heart.
It has been equally as wonderful that the past several testimonies I’ve
heard have been from women who have had insanely similar backgrounds to me when
it comes to their early lives. And then,
usually in high school or college, their stories have deviated from what my own
life looked like – and they all had an event or a reason that things
changed. The change was also usually
propelled by something out of their control – a decision another person made
that changed the course of my friend’s life for a while. It has been absolutely amazing for me to see
the hand of God working in so many ways.
Every story shared had intense moments of pain, but every woman also described
the beautiful lessons she had learned as a result of walking a difficult path
and exuded gratefulness for where God has put her today.
I have listened to the stories in full amazement – for what
God is capable of doing and for what he can overcome – but also in awe of the
women my friends have become. I also
look at these women in anticipation knowing God is nowhere near finished with
them and excited that I now get to join them on the walk that they are taking
with him. Their stories have also helped
make me thankful for my own and have helped me see how much God has saved
me. I know it sounds strange, but
hearing the similarities in our stories and then the radical differences have
shown me that it is only by God’s mercy I have walked the safe path.
By the world’s standards, I may not have made any colossal
mistakes yet, but without God’s provision, my story could have been incredibly
different. No, I didn’t sleep with any
of my boyfriends, but until I dated Andy (and had become more mature and sure
of my convictions), I didn’t have a relationship that lasted more than 3 months
– and the boys I really liked always
broke up with me. God made it easy for
me to wait on my husband and marriage.
No, I’ve never been drunk (and I didn’t taste alcohol until I was 21),
but in high school, I maybe said “no” to one beer and then earned the “good
girl” reputation which my friends (especially those who did drink) ironically protected at all costs. You could forget about any of them offering
me drugs – probably because they didn’t want me to know they were doing them! In college, my faith started to grow by leaps
and bounds, but God also introduced me to my friends Ashley and Emily during my
first week in the dorm, and the three of us supported one another in a desire
to find a church and get involved in campus ministry. Before I knew it, I was wrapped up in close
relationships with other Christian girls that sustained me through college and
made walking a path toward God incredibly easy.
When I transitioned again to a working environment, God put me under the
mentorship of an incredible Christian woman and surrounded me by so many
Christian co-workers, it was hard to remember I was actually a public school
teacher. In that environment and with
those people, he showed me how to glorify him in my job.
Listening to the various testimonies of my friends has shown
me how random life can be. Especially
during formative years like middle school, high school, and college, we have
little to do with our own stories. One
bad relationship or influence or event has the potential to change the course
of our lives. It is only by God’s grace
that we make certain decisions and not others or that he redeems us when we
fall. I look back at my story and think
about my first boyfriend. What would my
life have been like if we had dated longer?
He was absolutely no good for me, but I liked him so much. What if God had not allowed us to break up so
early? What if my high school influences
had not worked so hard to protect my innocence?
I teach high school and know the truth of peer pressure, and it amazes
me that when I went to the few parties I attended people hid their beers
instead of offering them to me. Praise
God for those friends! What if Emily and
Ashley had not come into my life? What
if I’d never worked with Christian coworkers?
Or found an amazing church in Greenville?
I love that God has used the other people in my group and
their stories to show me that my story has nothing to do with me and everything
to do with him. It is not a coincidence
that my life has turned out the way it has and that I have been saved from so
much pain. God has been so good to me,
and he really has saved me from more than I can ever know or understand.
“For by grace are you
saved through faith and that not of yourselves; it is a gift of God: Not of
works, lest any man should boast.” – Ephesians 2:8-9
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